Dante Saves You: Survival Edition

Adventures are nonsense. People are always trying to get me to go somewhere far and I don't wanna. I like being at home where I don't have to worry about things like animals, robots, or just the damned elements. Fuck the elements. Let's fuck the elements together in this Dante Saves You Survival Edition!

I am gonna teach you how to survive everything from planes, islands, water, cousin fuckin', and just good old fashioned bad decision making. This is not gonna be easy and a lot of you wont make it back. At least I'm honest...which is why I'll never go into politics. Yet. One day I will and you will all bow before me and my codpiece! Bwahahaha! Apologies. I got carried away. My magic codpiece does that to me.

So You're Alive

Snow is bullshit. Its like life isn't hard enough without the sky raining down ice. Planes are bullshit too. If man was supposed to be that high in the air we'd have longer legs. Or wings. Wings would make more sense. One day you and your soccer team are on your way home pretending that what you do is an actual sport and suddenly your plane doesn't believe in itself anymore and now you and some of the people are left alive. Did I mention no one knows where you all are? What should you do?!

Solution

Eat each other. I mean, who knows how long you're gonna be stuck here? Might as well do something crazy enough to have an interesting story when you get rescued. Meaning if you get rescued. Otherwise, fuck it. Find that asshole who kept farting and eating all the peanuts on the plane, gather everyone, and just club him to death. You'll have enough food for days! No, none of you know how to prepare human. Except maybe Kirk. Kirk gives everyone the willies.

So You've Been Cast Away

You're just doing your job delivering shit and one day the plane goes down. What sucks is this time you don't have any friends to eat. Like Beth. Oh, I bet she tastes like peaches. I could just sink my teeth into her...oh. I forgot where I was for a moment. So you are alone on an island with nothing for company but a bunch of shit from your job washing onshore. Like a volleyball that you become friends with. That would be like if I was stuck on an island and a bunch of goddamned keyboards washed up. Not cool musical kind. Just fucking ones to type with. How do we get off this hell on Earth?

Solution

Your wife is pretty much waiting to fuck so the faster you get off this island the better. She is itching to get her freak on and the longer your dumb ass is sitting there pretending that you invented fire and doing your best Duck Dynasty impression the higher the chances are that she will assume you are dead and get remarried. Fuck that. Till death do us part, bitch! So you take some of them ice skates that you found, cut a tree down, build a boat. Done. This is the easiest one yet! Now to get home and give your wife some of that American Me style sex!

So You're In A Blue Lagoon

One day your drunk uncle, as if there's any other kind, takes you on a boat ride and drinks himself to death. God. This sounds like my life story. So this irresponsible asshole dies leaving you and your cousin stuck on an island with no real way to get off. Not only that but you don't know shit about shit. Why is hair growing on my boyparts? Why are my pants getting tighter? Why are her ladybits bleeding? But more importantly why do I want to get inside of you?! Oh, so many questions and no one to answer them. Might as well fuck your cousin, right?

Solution

No! You get away from her, you freak! Fine. No one ever told you about sex or anything so like an idiot you start fucking your cousin. Now her stomach is growing and you think she is just getting fat because even on a deserted island its perfectly okay to give chicks complexes. For some reason the baby doesn't have two heads and flippers but now you have another mouth to feed and she don't even know how to feed the baby! The baby is like “Fucking maroons...” and pops a titty in its mouth. Great. Little bastard is gonna live longer now. I've read the bible. I know how this goes. He's gonna kill you in your sleep one day. So grab all that shit that's washed ashore and...sorry. Wrong scenario. If help shows up (which does!) flag them down. You don't wanna raise a kid on an island. There's no toilet paper.

So You're A Lord Of The Flies

Seriously. Fuck planes. You and a bunch of kids from your military school end up crashing into the sea and landing on an island where instead of being happy that you have some freedom and don't have to wash your ass anymore you all decide to go native on each other. Kids are getting beaten, running from nothing in the dark, and picking on the fat kid who while looking at with my 2013 adult eyes isn't really fat at all. He's thin compared to the chubsters that I see on the bus everyday. What we gonna do?!

Solution

Prison rules. You find the biggest kid and beat him like a dusty rug. You all allegedly have military training so use it against him, form some order, and become the king of this place...for about a week and a half until you are rescued. Yeah. Shit got bad that fast and ends that fast. Poor fat kid got killed for nothing pretty much. Kids are assholes.

So You're In Open Water

Strike one was suggesting that you take a vacation in Australia. Strike two was deciding to go into the ocean deep sea diving on a tour knowing good and goddamn well that the ocean is just a plate for nature and humans are the meal. You have no weapons other than the ability to humiliate yourself in front of your wife by making the sea far saltier with your giant tears. So how the hell are you gonna get out of this one?

Solution

There's no land in sight. Sharks are surrounding you. Your wife is too hot for you to feel good about killing. You could try and capture one of the sharks and make it your bitch but the whole kicking and screaming would ruin that. My solution when I am lost is to just pick a direction and just go as fast as possible in it. It doesn't always work but its better than ending up on the bottom of the sea leaving behind a puzzled looking corpse.

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