Kids These Days 25

My brother brought it to my attention that kids nowadays are even bigger pussies than I thought. Yeah. I'm talking to you, Erik with a K. You wuss. There are reports that kids are ending up in the hospital because of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. New Mexico, Illinois, and even fucking California schools are trying to ban what is one of the best snacks ever created. Why? Because they say it lacks nutritional value. Love doesn't either! You gonna try and ban that, too?!

They (meaning ze Nazis) say that this delicious treat that likely tastes the same as God's fingertips also creates a response in your brain box similar to illicit substances. Um, and this is being banned why?! The reason why kids are running to the hospital is because they are eating so many of these things that their shit is turning red and they think that they are shitting blood.

"Mommy! My poopies look like Red Vines!"

“A number of patients who have consumed these Cheetos in excess have complained of pain in their upper abdomen, rising up into their chest, likely due to due to the red peppers and spice contained in the snack” some doctor who hates fun said. Most people know my history with Flamin' Hot Cheetos. When mixed with apple juice the results are, how can I put it? You know what happens when Godzilla arrives in Tokyo?

That.

Pictured left: my asshole.

I know the dangers of mixing these two things just like kids know the effect of eating FHC (that's what I call them when I don't have time for your bullshit). You don't eat these and go do karate after school. If you buy these for your kids you know they are little fat asses eating these because the last time an apple was in your house it was in a Hostess pie. The fact of the matter is that FHC's are great. They are crunchy, they leave your hands and mouth red, and make your tongue burn. Wow. Kinda sounds like that girl you met in Cancun last year, huh?

"But, bro. She looks 'clean'!"

After my brother sent me the article where kids were exhibiting bitchassness I said that I could be in the bathroom shitting flames and you'd never know. Maybe years later like now when I posted a blog about it. But not at the time. I cant even picture myself going to the bathroom, dropping a deuce, and screaming “Mama! I am shitting blood! Why, lawd, why?!” I'd more than likely go “Whoa. That's...whoa. Hope that doesn't happen again.” Then I would evaluate my diet. “Hmm. What did I eat today? Cereal. Orange soda. Oh, right. That massive bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos!” Its science.

The same people that preach about how bad these are for you and how they just fuck up your innards are the same ones that won't even eat food that an animal has stared at but drink until their liver collapses in on itself or gets higher than eagle pussy on prescription meds and weed. We all have bad shit that we do. We know its not good for us, but fuck it. We only live once. We get one chance to set this spaceship that we call our bodies to ramming speed. Might as well make it count.

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