Thursday, March 10, 2016

Naked Jackass Stuck In Tree

For more years than I am comfortable to admit I have said that the scariest thing in the world is a naked man. This poor lady named Gail Wilson who also has muscular dystrophy in Oregon lived my nightmare for real when this crazy ass dude 30 year old Steven S. Burton broke into her home. 

She was just chilling at home while her husband and daughter were away and drinking soup when a naked ass Burton appeared out of thin air in her doorway. “He had a big grin on his face. He came walking toward me with his arms open wide. I kept saying 'Get away from me. Get out of my house.'” Instead of leaving he went in for a hug. She used to be a correctional officer so she knew how to handle crazy.

After she shoved his goofy ass away a few times he grabbed her dog and locked himself in the room. “I thought, 'This is it, I'm going to be raped or murdered.' I'd more or less accepted my fate. Today was my day. But I wasn't going to let him take me gently.” She called police and they showed up but Burton had already made it to her shed outside. He ended up climbing a fence and dove off the side of a cliff but police didn't hear a damned splash. I just picture them cupping their hands to their ears and hearing a whistle and then silence...because I grew up watching too many cartoons. Maybe he hit the ground? No such luck. People that break into homes for naked hugs don't hit water. 

Police got down to check and there Burton's dumb ass was hanging butt booty ass naked from a tree. He tried to fight police off but eventually resigned himself to the fact that he was stuck in the tree like some stupid, naked, idiotic cat. After getting him down they found his clothes The think he was on all the drugs which is why he stripped and ended up in that lady's house asking for a hug.

They ended up having to do some Rube Goldberg situation using ropes around his chest and ankle to get him out. There were about twenty people helping to get him down which means there were three people helping and seventeen watching and filming this shit. It took three hours for this to end. They got him on a stretcher, handcuffed, and drugged him up. He was taken to this hospital and then jail and charged with harassment, resisting arrest, burglary, and disorderly conduct.

No comments: