The Whitest Of Knights

One time I looked at a woman across the street and wondered what she smelled like. Another time I liked one just because she had bomb ass legs. There was one that had the body of a Jessica Rabbit but the face of a Moe from The Simpson's and I wanted to volunteer as tribute. There have been countless ones that I have liked for purely physical reasons. There have been ones I liked that were ugmos but cool as hell and I even dated a couple. And hold on to your monocles because there have been women I've liked based purely on their hairstyle. We are living in a time right now where things you think let alone say can be used against you as a weapon and I am choosing to just opt out altogether.

There have been women I complemented only to hear them complain about the very thing I complimented them on. Saying something like “I like that shirt” ended with me staring at them as they spent the next two minutes telling me why they hated the shirt but “thanks.” It take a lot for me to compliment someone now because of that kinda shit. But now? Fuck complementing anything including the chef because anything can be taken as an insult. I used to say asshole guys ruined compliments to women or just straight up talking to them because because of them women had to walk around with their guard up. Facebook gave my cousin the option to report an image I made and I just laughed.

Don't Hate The Player

Now I saw this chick Kijuana Nige online a few days ago after I heard the story of the offensive line coach from the Miami Dolphins named Chris Foerster filming himself doing coke. I watched the video with sound and laughed my ass off seeing this man railing coke with some $20 bills and recording himself talking to a lady. I'm not sure why you would record that act since it would only be a good idea if you were on coke. Just answered my own question. In the video he says:

“Hey baby, miss you, thinking about you.” He continues “What do you think? Crazy? It's going to be awhile before we can do this again. But I think about you when I do it. I think about how I miss you, how we got together, how much fun it was. So much fun. Last little bit, before I go into my meeting. That fucked up babe? You think? I wish I was licking this off your pussy.” Now...come on. This guy is why I don't know how to talk dirty.

Dante Bitches About Ambitious Sex Positions

Goddamn it, Cosmo. I found this article called 5 Ambitious Sex Positions For the Brave and Flexible that should be called 5 Things To Do To End Up In The Hospital. I think this was made by someone that is trying to get people into a chiropractic office. By the way chiropractors are bullshit. Seriously. Look up who created it. Total bullshit and super dangerous. But this is not about that. This is about some sex positions written allegedly by a woman for you to try if you are dating a woman with loose elbows and a thick neck.

If you are daring, up for a challenge and super flexible, see if you can get yourself into one of these hardcore positions. Bonus points if you remember to stretch first.

Dante Vs. Nature 71

One of the reasons I am glad that I do these blogs other than the fact that it keeps me indoors is that I find out some interesting things about nature. And by interesting I mean terrifying. I just read a story about a guy in Texas that tried to shoot an armadillo. Yes. I said tried. It is reported that around 3am, which is the bitching hour, dude saw an armadillo in his yard and decided that it didn't belong there. So he took three shots at the damned thing.

One of the bullets bounced off the armadillo and hit his dumb ass in the jaw. He had to be airlifted to a hospital and had his mouth wired shut. I'm sure his wife who was inside is full of all the shame. A sheriff stated “We didn't find the armadillo” which means that there is a goddamn bulletproof armadillo running around the streets of Texas! I think if I saw an armadillo I would wait for it to curl into a ball. If it didn't I'd just shrug and walk away. Sure as fuck wouldn't take a shot at it.