Dante Vs. Nature 48

Goddamn it, nature! We have a deal. We create buildings and homes to keep you out and in return we don't eat every single one of you. Its a symbiotic relationship that has lasted for centuries but sometimes nature wants to step out of bounds and invade our lives.

Stephanie Lasca of a PR and marketing firm in San Diego was the one that discovered a monster in her toilet. “I thought my eyes were deceiving me. This is every person's worst nightmare.” This is an old building and it is being said that it may have made its way into the toilet from another building.

Only In Florida 3

You ever get so mad at someone that you bust a toilet seat lid over their head? Me neither. At least not yet. Who knows what the future holds?! A dude in Florida named Norris Troutman who is 20 years old and 6 foot 6 got his ass arrested on a felony battery charge for hitting his uncle, that is disabled, in the head with a toilet seat cover for apparently no reason whatsoever.

His uncle, Sammy Lee Johnson and 48, was sitting on the couch watching TV with his mom when Norris just came into the living room and walloped him with the damned thing. His uncle said he was “was unsure why Mr. Troutman was upset with him” and “did nothing to provoke the attack.” What confuses me about this story other than the fact that a dude attacked someone with this choice of weapon is where he got it from.

The window sill.

Crap Chronicles III

“Oh, this ain't good…“

This is what crossed my mind as I headed to the bathroom. Like I said in a previous blog, I didn't have the best of diets a few years back. On a diet consisting on mostly beef my colon was like the 405 during 7:30am. At the behest of The Whore (I'll explain later sometime) I decided to go on a fast and cleanse.

The cleanse started with drinking this herbal laxative tea. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't doubt that the stuff would work. I just doubted how fast it would. Now here's the deal. I had to drink one cup of this stuff right before bed. It didn't taste half bad. I guzzled it down and was like, whatever. It was a Sunday night and there was no better way to start the week than with a nice, refreshing cleansing. Oh, this was such a bad idea.

I get up and it's Monday morning. This tea shit had had the entire night to work its way through my system. I figured that I would have to crap immediately or at the very least wake up prairie doggin' (bonus points of you get that joke). No dice. I did like I was told and drank another cup using the same bag. I got ready and headed downstairs to work thinking nothing of it.

Crap Chronicles II

So this next story has something in common as the last one. Apple juice, the bane of my existence. I was working at this place called Centinela Feed & Pet Supplies. This was a shit job. Not literally unless someone couldn’t control their pet and they decided to take a dump on the floor. Anyhoot, I was on my lunch break and decided to treat myself to a awesome lunch. Flaming Hot Cheetoos and a big ass bottle of apple juice.

What was I thinking?

So I’m sitting in the break room (meaning where all the pallets were kept) and eating this concoction all kinds of happy. As soon as I finish the apple juice I think to myself, “My, God. What have I just done…?” My stomach starts rumbling. Its go time.

I rush to the front counter and get the bathroom key. There’s only one and there are two keys. I take them both and run to the bathroom. I lock myself in there and start laying layers of toilet paper on there. I worked there and know how nasty the punk ass employees were let alone the people that used the bathrooms there. I sit down and try to keep things quiet. The door was paper thin and I knew that if I lost control I would alert everyone that someone was baking some brownies.

Someone started knocking.

Crap Chronicles

I was talking to someone about my bathroom habits. Cam jokes that I have only used her bathroom at her place twice even though I have been over her place plenty of times and drank many liquids. She isn’t lying. I rarely used the bathroom at other folks places. It goes past being a matter of privacy or cleanliness. This somewhat goes back to when I was little and my brothers would kick the door open when I was dropping a deuce. I have only freed James Brown twice outside of where I was living. This is one of those times.

I was about 12 years old. I was with my parents going to see my cousin Randy and head to the mall. Before we left I had a awesome breakfast of Raisin Bran and apple juice. Yeah. You see where this is going. So yeah. We all hopped in the car and made our way there. We sat there for half an hour when my stomach started rumbling. I had to shit. Now.

After squirming for a few minutes I told my parents that I was gonna head inside. I jumped out the car and just as I was making my way to my cousins place she comes out the door. I asked if I could use the bathroom and she was like, “No, let’s go.” 

Bitch.