Crap Chronicles II

So this next story has something in common as the last one. Apple juice, the bane of my existence. I was working at this place called Centinela Feed & Pet Supplies. This was a shit job. Not literally unless someone couldn’t control their pet and they decided to take a dump on the floor. Anyhoot, I was on my lunch break and decided to treat myself to a awesome lunch. Flaming Hot Cheetoos and a big ass bottle of apple juice.

What was I thinking?

So I’m sitting in the break room (meaning where all the pallets were kept) and eating this concoction all kinds of happy. As soon as I finish the apple juice I think to myself, “My, God. What have I just done…?” My stomach starts rumbling. Its go time.

I rush to the front counter and get the bathroom key. There’s only one and there are two keys. I take them both and run to the bathroom. I lock myself in there and start laying layers of toilet paper on there. I worked there and know how nasty the punk ass employees were let alone the people that used the bathrooms there. I sit down and try to keep things quiet. The door was paper thin and I knew that if I lost control I would alert everyone that someone was baking some brownies.

Someone started knocking.


I kept quiet until the doorknob started shaking. “Occupied!” I shouted. They still kept trying. There was only one toilet in here and I was using it. I had the keys but started to wonder what would happen if one of the managers opened the door. The toilet was quite a ways away from the door. I would have to stage dive to the door and kick it or something which would’ve been funny with my pants around my ankles. They stopped and I tried my best to do this quietly. I kinda succeeded until I the end when my ass whistled.

“Really?” I asked my ass and cleaned up and left. I looked in the mirror and wiped the sweat from my brow. This kinda thing doesn’t happen like this at home. I can eat a big ass bowl of Colon Blow and drink a gallon of apple juice with black coffee and watermelon and I’d be good for hours. But when I am out and drink apple juice I have a ten minute window before my body rejects what I ate like a baboon heart.

Hope you all enjoyed laughing at my expense. I haven’t had an incident in years. Unless you wanna count the food poisoning a few years back, but that was different and it happened at home. That was a bad week…

Rockets.