Dante Vs. Nature 11

I hate crickets. And grasshoppers. Stupid grasshoppers. I don't even like their name. Their names are like callings ants "ground crawlers." While on the phone with Cam last week I saw some movement out of the corner of my eye. Using my SEAL Team 6 training I immediately deduced that it was not a threat. But still it had invaded my personal space and the son of a bitch had to be taken down.

This was not the first time I had to handle a cricket. Years ago when I was working at the porn shop I was trying to go to sleep. I worked starting at 6am and losing sleep was not an option. I heard the little bastard making noise and found it in the kitchen. I couldn't see it but the noise it made was being carried throughout my apartment. I turned on the light and it got quiet. Turned it off and it got loud. It was playing games with me.

After an hour of this nonsense I still couldn't sleep. I played the lights on/lights off game for another hour and started to unhinge. I was tired. I put a pillow over my head but it did nothing. I put my fingers in my ears and that worked until I nodded off and my fingers slipped out. This was bullshit and I began to slip into Unreasonableville, USA population: Dante.

Unreasonableville's state bird.

I got a cup of water and threw it behind the stove and fridge figuring that the asshole had to be hiding back there. It got quiet. Had I won? No. Soon as I turned the lights off it started up again. Another cup. Lights out. Noise. It was time to go bonkers up in this bitch. I boiled a pot of water and put it in a Big Gulp cup. Yes, I was placing boiling hot water into a giant plastic cup to throw at a cricket at 3am. By this point me and logic had broken up.

I launched the hot water behind the stove hoping to at least hear a tiny cricket scream of pain. Nope. But it was quiet. I turned off the light and it was still quiet. I climbed into bed and it was still quiet. I woke up for work less than two hours later and it was quiet. Funny thing about daylight is that it brightens your madness. What seems rational at 3am is goddamn stupid around 6am. I walked into the kitchen and my floor was flooded with all the water I had thrown. And filth. All the gunk from under the friedge and stove had now gathered in the middle of the floor. I shook my head and sighed reaching for my mop when I saw it.

The cricket!

Little fucker was dead and that was cool. I had won. Fuck you, nature! I picked it up in a napkin and squeezed it. Yes, I am that guy. If I find an insect in my house I will kill it. Fuck setting it free so it can tell its other insect friends how groovy my apartment is. Back to what got this story started.

I saw a cricket on the wall and grabbed a bottle of Lysol. "No, not like that!" my brain warned. "It will jump away and make noise later!" I nodded at myself because fuck you I live alone and can nod to myself all I want. I picked up a pair of my size 13 Vans and smacked it. And guess what happened?

It jumped away.

I was ready though. This wasn't my first invitation to an orgy. As soon as it hit the floor the other shoe came down on it. Boom! Ya done, son! I cleaned up the mess, finished my conversation, and smiled knowing that the soothing sounds iminating from the gay bar would be keeping me up and not natures version of a car alarm.

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