I have taught you how to take out kids once before. What? I haven't? Holy crap. That's not good. Everyone knows that kids are the deadliest thing on this damned planet. Particularly creepy spirit children! These are kids that for whatever reason got possessed or came back from the dead with a wild hair up their ass and they wanna take it out on you because life sucks that way sometimes. We'll deal with it.
Now, I know that some of these are creepy as fuck but we're grow ass goddamn adults and we're not gonna let some kids, no matter how scary they are, run us out of our house! We live here, damn it! Some of these will actually be easier to beat than you'd imagine. Don't let those crazy White women from these films fool you.
Scary Girl From The Ring.
You're hanging out with your friend when they tell you that they have a tape that is supposedly cursed. Being a smart person you say “Now why the fuck would I watch a cursed tape?” and you slap them across the teeth. But...lets say you're feeling extra tasty stupid because its Wednesday and fuck logic. From the looks it appears to be a bad student film. No real plot. Lots of unnecessary jump cuts because whoever made it is an artist and you're not supposed to understand this. Tape ends and the phone rings. Some creepy girl says “seven days...” and hangs up.
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| Change the channel, bitch! Change the channel! |
Well, it turns out you have about a week to live and when you die, or your dumbass friend dies, it will be in the most fucked up and confusing way. I mean, like, coroners will look at your face and go “Sweet baby Lazarus! Who did she piss off?!” What I'm saying is that your face will look like you ran into a moving train. Twice.
Solution.
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| "Wanna hear my story? No. Fine. BLAAAARGH!!!" |
There are two solutions. If you want to be a hero you can dig up the story of this skeevy kid and find out that she had one of the worst lives ever. Can you fix it? Nope. She's already a pissed off ghost in a weird film that's part of a bad film. She is 100% inconsolable. You watched her tape, you die. Its that simple. Or is it?
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| Yes. |
You can pass the curse to someone else. Isn't that awesome?! I know, I know. Its a real asshole thing to do, setting someone else to watch this shit and eventually die at the hands of a demon ghost girl. But its just like George Washington said, “Sometimes you're the fucker, and sometimes you're the fuckee.” I may be paraphrasing. The fact of the matter is that you don't have to go out all contorted and messed up. Send the tape to a loud neighbor. When its quiet a week later you'll know your work is done.
Damien From The Omen.
I have a special disdain for this kid. My mother was gonna name me Damien until someone mentioned this movie to her and then she chose Dante which, next to Damien, is the name second most associated with Hell and the devil. So some family adopts a kid after their child dies during birth. Turns out the kid was given because he is the Antichrist and fuck it someone has to feed him and the church is pretty sure you'll be able to handle him when he turns into the super beast.
Solution.
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| INTENSITY!!! |
Fuck everyone that convinced you to take this kid! It'd be different if was mentally handicapped or something. Then you could say he was a lemon. But it turns out this kid works too well! People die in the most horrible ways when he is around. People can warn you that he is bad and you can only disagree to a certain extent. You shouldn't have to see someone get their head cut off to believe it. And only after the nanny hangs herself and says its for your new kid and your wife is killed.
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| "Hugs? No? Its your funeral." |
There are some knives that are supposed to kill this asshole. Use them! There's always that moment in films where a demon kid will give you that “there's some good in me” look. Fuck that. This kid is gonna bring upon the apocalypse. And not the cool one either!
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| Pictured: the cool one. |
And by the way, if the kid has a birth mark that is the mark of the beast, return it. Go find those damned priests and leave the kid on the church steps and run as fast as your legs will let you! You didn't sign up for this shit. You were trying to be nice and now a bunch of folks are dead. Cut your losses. Plus, any kid that doesn't argue when it has that haircut is obviously damaged.
Ghost From The Grudge.
So you move into a place where someone got killed violently and now their bitch ass ghost ends up killing you and the curse keeps on going because ghosts don't need to rest or anything. Fuck this ghost. You had nothing to do with why or how it died yet it wants to kill you and your family. Kiss my ass! This is exactly why realtors have to tell you if someone died in the house you're buying. Because bullshit like this can happen.
Solution.
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| Worst. Babysitter. Ever. |
Don't try and relate to the ghost or try to figure out its story. It starts when someone dies violently. You cant talk it down. Plus look at that thing. Does there appear to be an ounce of reasoning left in it? Nope. I don't even wanna help something that looks like that. Chances are, if this is on you you're fucked anyway. Just think calm thoughts and hopefully you won't come back looking like the ghost of bukkakes past.
Regan Macneil From The Exorcist.
Once again, some shit that has nothing to do with you is ruining your life. Some jackass digs up something in Iraq and the next thing you know there's a possessed little girl upstairs. This poor kid is living a normal life doing nothing wrong. If anything she’s too happy so you know that something bad is gonna happen to her.
Solution.
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| Really shouldn't have given her all that pea soup for dinner. |
You can take this kid to a doctor and see what the hell is wrong with her and why she’s pissing on rugs in the middle of parties, which totally happened, and walks upside down on stairs and vomits blood. No doctor on the planet is going to be able to give you a diagnosis that will satisfy you. They won’t say “Its diabetes.” They will likely run out the room screaming. Especially when this type of shit happens.
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| Praying isn't working! Kill it with fire! |
Maybe the priest will help but its not like he’ll be the same ever again. He wont go back to the place where priests all hang out like Chuck E. Cheese’s and talk about this with his priest buddies. He will be in a bar with his hands shaking like a leaf, barely able to get the drink to his lips. You? Get the fuck out of there. You don’t need this kind of stress in your life. Maybe your kid will be fine, maybe she wont. She can forget what happened but there’s not enough therapy in the world to make you forget this shit. So run.
Click here for previous Dante Saves You.
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