Dante Vs. Nature 23

I hate ants. I know that people say that hate is a strong word and shouldn’t be used a lot but fuck that I hate ants. I don’t have a fear of them. No insect scares me like “Ah, spiders!” I’ve killed plenty of spiders for ex girlfriends along with hopes of marriage and children. Ants are dicks. They ruin picnics and send spies to search for shit. You see one ant in your house know that there are thousands waiting for a progress report from him. “Oh, this fool got sugar all over the counter!” Once when I was little I was swarmed by a bunch of these little dicks.

I was standing in the backyard and looked down and there was one on my leg. I thumped it off and stood there. I don’t even remember what the hell I was doing in the backyard. Maybe staring at the sun. Next thing I know I feel another one and go to swat it into oblivion when I see hundreds of them all over my pants. I ran into the house and jumped into the shower with my clothes on. I had the heebie jeebies for the rest of the day. Everything that lightly touched me became an ant. Then there’s red ants. Fuck those, too.

I never saw these at home but they loved my grandmother’s street. 47th & Central was the home of red ants. We used to use my cousins hair pins and pick them up and put them in a glass bottle. One day my cousin grabbed a bottle we had filled with ants and chucked it across the street. I ran over to see if they were dead and they were just shaking like “What the fuck just happened?!” Did you know you cant drown ants? Check out video of it when you get bored. Its fucking creepy. How about those Australian bull ants?

“These ants are well known in Australia for their aggressive behavior and powerful stings. The venom of these ants has the potential to induce anaphylactic shock in allergic sting victims. As with most severe allergic reactions, if left untreated the reaction may be lethal. These large, alert ants have characteristic large eyes and long, slender mandibles. They have superior vision, able to track and even follow intruders from a distance of 1 meter. Myrmecia is one of several ant genera which possess gamergates, female worker ants which are able to mate and reproduce, thus sustaining the colony after the loss of the queen.”

Nope!

There is so much wrong in that paragraph. Besides being Australian which automatically makes them deadlier than anything else on the planet, they can track shit. One meter doesn’t sound like much because we’re big ass humans but imagine being able to sense people and follow them from, like, blocks away. That shit ain’t fair. And the fact that if a queen dies, the females which also work, will be like “I got this” and have more evil ant babies. Seriously. Fuck ants.

Except these guys. The Colony rules. 

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