Vaportini Because Mouth Drinking Is Passe

Earlier this evening I found out about a new way to get drunk. No, its not through your eyeballs or asshole. Sorry to disappoint you. Its through this thing/process called a Vaportini. Its like a bong for booze because for whatever reason humans keep needing new ways to get fucked up and it is also Spanish for “I hate being upright.” I have no problem drinking, having it work its way through my system, and then making bad decisions. The company that sells this says that drinks that are 70% proof or higher is better. For example, 86% hooch has 50% alcohol which means you’ll be on your way to acting like a completely different person in no time! Seriously, who likes being themselves?

She certainly doesn't!

Vaportini is described as “5 minutes after the vessel containing the spirits is placed on the base, it is ready to consume. The recommended amount of spirits is 1 ounce. One inhales through the straw and holds their breathe for a moment and then exhales. That’s it. The effects are felt immediately because the alcohol is going directly through the bloodstream. Most people experience a relaxed and mellow feeling.”

Was something wrong with this?

You know, there are a multitude of ways I feel when drinking strong liquor. “Relaxed and mellow” is not one of them. If you want me there give me some beer which contains only 7% alcohol. Anything stronger and I am danger of touching you, myself, or dancing. And chatty. Christ, do I get chatty! I have gotten horny around lesbians when too drunk. I start treating logic like a preacher does Satan.“Devil get behind me!” The effects don’t last as long as when you drink alcohol regularly, you know, like a human is supposed to. This is the way they used to get flies and rodents drunk in lab experiments. Are you a rat?!

Oh, you let me down. I vouched for you and you let me down...

Look, there’s nothing wrong with taking your time. That’s what’s wrong with people nowadays. Everyone is in a rush. Well one of many things. People aren’t patient, are quick to give you their political views when no one asked for them, refuse to have hobbies, bitch about people but continue to talk to them, date assholes, do a lot of talking with no action, throw the word love around too much, don’t send me naked pictures, and cant enjoy their own company. Don’t add getting drunk at the speed of sound to the list. As the great poet The S.O.S Band once said…

“Now, baby we can do it. Take the time do it right. We can do it, baby. Do it tonight.”