When
I watch commercials or read articles about Kids These Days all I can
do is think of how jacked up our future is gonna be. These children
don’t know shit. I’m sorry, not your kid. You kid is the next
savior of humanity. Nothing can stop them! it’s the other kids we
need to worry about. These paste eating weirdos that permeate our
culture are gonna be at child bearing age soon and something needs to
be done about it, Children Of Men style. Yeah, you know what I’m
talking about.
In
my first few KTD blogs I would point out sit that kids wont get
nowadays. It turned into me berating them like a, well, dumb kid. I
have decided to go old school for this one with some more shit that
wont make sense to kids unless a new singer that was born after 1995
mentions it in a song and it becomes cool again.
Klondike
Bar References.
“What
would you do-o-o, for a Klondike Bar?” What wouldn’t I do is more
like it! I would do things that would shame my ancestors. These
commercials used to air with folks being asked this question and but
being teased with a Klondike bar being waved in front of their face
until they shamed themselves into finally getting one. If you asked a
kid now what they would do for one of these they’d probably tell
you that they aren’t allowed to even have one because kids are
denied awesome things like this all the time. No wonder they go crazy
and shoot shit up. All they wanted was some ice cream, chocolate, and
a hug. Hmm. There is milk in these though and we know how kids feel
about that.
Got
Milk?
Kids
can not drink milk! I don’t know what the fuck is going on but if
you give a child a glass of milk their day is shot. They created this
term “lactose intolerance” which I still think is a work. I can
drink milk just fine. I could as a kid as well. I mean, add some
Captain Crunch and its another thing. They don’t even air the
commercials showing how big and strong milk made you. I know that
using Hayden Panettiere is a bad choice since she’s 4 foot 1, but
still. Think this is why kids are so damned small and skinny now.
They talk about the obesity problem in this country but have you seen
teens and grown ass men lately? Dudes are skinnier than their
girlfriends! Do some pushups! So what if milk gives you bubble gut?
Deal with it.
Rewinding
VHS Tapes.
You
remember what it was like when you first played a DVD? That shit was
a whole new world Aladdin style. Don’t even get me started on how
it changed watching porn forever. If you wanted to go to another
scene gone were the days of “Whirrrrrrr…” for five minutes to
skip fifteen minutes…if your VCR was that fast. In a moment you
were somewhere else. Kids have no idea what this world was like when
you had to wait to watch something. Well, they do but its when a
video if buffering and uploading. That’s not the same! Rewinding
VHS’s seemed to take even longer than fast forwarding them. They
tried to calm our tits with laser discs but that was a damned
nightmare. Did anyone own those things?
Real Trix
Cereal.
You
think what you’re eating now is Trix cereal? Pah! What they are
passing off as Trix today is absolutely nothing like what it tasted
like when I was little. Trix as this delicious ball shaped (ha!)
treat where each one had its own individual flavor. The shit they are
selling now is fruit shaped nonsense that tastes absolutely nothing
like the real thing. I'd love to time travel and get about thirty
boxes and share it with friends. Or better yet give it to one lucky
child and let them experience the lies they've been living their
entire life. Seriously. It tastes that different.
Click here for previous Kids These Days.
2 comments:
Heehee. You are officially a grumpy old man.
Get off my lawn!
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