Dante Vs. Nature 24

Fucking lions, man. No, not, like, actual lions fucking which is hilarious. Just lions in general. The other day Cam called me and asked if I had heard a news story about a woman mauled by a lion at a sanctuary. I checked the internets and ended up finding another story about another woman being mauled and killed by a lion. The first one is a intern that worked at an animal sanctuary in Central California and police are trying to figure out what caused the attack. Hmm...one can only speculate.

The lion, 5 year old Cous Cous, attacked and killed the intern while she was in the lions enclosure. When cops arrived she had already been fucked up and lying near the lion. They tried to lure it away but it was full of human blood and didn't want to hear none of their shit so they shot it. Only one other employee was there since the park is closed on Wednesdays. This entire thing sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me which you didn't so I shall continue to provide my opinion.

The lion had been raised there since it was 8 weeks old. Its so weird to me that people think its tragic or act surprised when a big ass wild animal does what big ass wild animals do: attack things. And sleep. Lions that are locked up anywhere always look sad. I'm sure this one was just waiting for someone to slip.

Breaking news!

Cam sent me some reports from this story.

"Dianna Hanson, the intern killed by a lion inside an enclosure at a big-cat sanctuary in California, died of a broken neck, a Fresno County coroner said Thursday, although it's still unclear why the lion attacked her."

Cam: He attacked her because he's a lion.

"5-year-old male lion broke the neck of the woman at a Central California animal park after it got out of its feeding cage and attacked as she cleaned its bigger area."

Cam: Maybe people should be more aware of their surroundings. She was, in fact, in a lion's cage.

"The lion had been fed, the young woman was cleaning the large enclosure, and the lion was in the small cage. The gate of the cage was partially open, which allowed the lion called Cous Cous to lift it up with his paw," Hadden said, based on a briefing from investigators. "He ran at the young lady."

Cam: Are you kidding? You left a door to a lion's cage open? What the fuck were you thinking?

"Hanson was talking with a co-worker on a cellphone in the moments before she was killed, the coroner said."

Cam: Oh! She was on her cell. That explains everything.

"She did not suffer. As tragic as this death is, it's important to know that she wasn't alive for a long time," Hadden said.

Cam: Oh, she suffered. In those last two seconds of seeing lion's fur flash in front of you and knowing you have no where to hide there's no way she wasn't terrified and that shit would hurt.

The next story is about a couple in Africa having sex and all of a sudden a goddamn lion attacked the chick. I mean, what more can I say about this story? The one thing that sucks is that they make the dude who survived sound like a coward.

"Sharai's partner, who has not been identified, ran off naked in a bid to raise the alarm...unfortunately the woman was mauled to death by the lion, but her boyfriend managed to escape naked...the guy managed to escape before stopping at a distance where he witnessed his companion being attacked."

Hakuna Matataah-aah-AAH!!!

Hey, no matter how much I love you if a lion starts eating you while we're having sex...I'm gone! My feet wouldn't even be touching the ground I'd be moving so fast. They think this may be one lion that also attacked and killed a man who was not fucking at the time. Man, these lions. I don't even know what to do about them. Cant walk through Africa without them eating you while fucking and you cant clean their cages without them interrupting your phone call.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.