Dante Vs Nature 27

This was I have heard and read everyone discussing Shark Week. I don’t have cable anymore so I am forced to sit back and hear about all this footage of how sharks are eating folks or how cool one of them looks. Fuck that. Sharks are natures way of saying “See all this water? Stay out of it!” Sharks are assholes. I look at sharks and the sea the same way a kid looks at a monster in the closet. As long as I don’t look and keep away from it I’ll be safe.

And please, everyone, stop telling me that sharks don’t even like the way we taste or that we look like things they normally eat and in the same sentence tell me how smart they are and how great their senses are. Sharks just want to remind us every once in a while that they can and will eat us because they’re bored or upset that Breaking Bad is going off the air.

Frilled Shark

“The long jaws of the frilled shark are highly distensible with an extremely wide gape, allowing it to swallow whole prey over one-half its size. However, the length and articulation of its jaws means it cannot deliver as strong a bite as more conventionally built sharks. The many small, sharp, recurved teeth of the frilled shark are functionally similar to squid jigs and could easily snag the body or tentacles of a squid, particularly as they are rotated outwards when the jaws are protruded.”

"Hi..."

Guess whose staying the fuck away from this? Me! Look at it. There is nothing about this half dinosaur that says “I’m friendly so you should totally come and pet me.” I couldn’t swim away from this fucking thing fast enough. Its damned teeth are curved inward so if it manages to get a hold of you the more you pull the more you fuck yourself up. That is not fair, okay?! These are living, breathing power drills.

Goblin Shark

“Since it is not a fast swimmer, the goblin shark may be an ambush predator. Its low-density flesh and large oily liver make it neutrally buoyant, allowing it to drift towards its prey with minimal motions so as to avoid detection. Once prey comes into range, the shark's specialized jaws can snap forward at incredible speed to capture it. The protrusion of the jaw is assisted by two pairs of elastic ligaments associated with the mandibular joint. The ligaments are pulled taut when the jaws are in their normal retracted position; as the shark bites, the ligaments release their tension and essentially ‘catapult’ the jaws forward.”

This thing gives shits the shits. 

Let’s play a game called “Let’s See How Fast Dante’s Shit Can Propel Him Through The Sea!” It’s a game where I see this swimming up to be and I travel through the water as fast as I can while screaming like the bansheeist banshee that has ever bansheed. This is some kinda shit that Frodo should be fighting to get to Mordor. This is not a thing that should be on the same planet as me. I would have loved to sit in on the meeting where they came up with the name for this fucker.

Bob: “How about longnose shark?”

Jack: “I think that’s taken.”

Bob: “Toothy shark?”

Jack: “Naw. Too childish.”

(Hank enters the room)

Hank: “The fuck is that?! A goblin?!”

Bob & Jack: “Done.”

Longnose Sawshark

“The longnose sawshark is a medium sized shark. Its head is depressed. It has a saw-like flattened snout which measures up to thirty percent of its body size. It has barbels almost halfway up the snout and is a sandy brown color with irregular brown spots. The belly of the shark is pale while the bottom of the snout is pinkish. Its skin has tiny denticles all over it although the fins are scaly.”

A shark is bad enough. But for shits and giggles nature said “What if we put a saw on it?!” Nature is on meth. You take something that is the deadliest goddamn thing in the sea and turn it into a wet Leatherface. How come? Why is this a thing? The fucked up thing is that if I was in the ocean and this swam up to me I would think that I was hallucinating. I would think that someone had slipped something in my oxygen tank. Like the devil’s farts.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.