Johnny Panic: Making Sad Ass Kids Smile

A few years back I did one of those programs where you make a wish for sick kids. I had no desire to do it. I think they are depressing as hell and I am all about not being around sick people let alone kids because even when kids aren't sick they have the potential to get sick at any moment. They're like germ minefields. But after being guilted into it by Ronica and Zazz I finally decided to grace a bunch of sick kids with my presence.

“It'll be good for you” Ronica said. “It will make you appreciate your health more.”

“Who says I don't appreciate my health now?” I asked her. “I'm always telling people how good I feel.”

“That's because you're a cocky superhero” Zazz added. “Most people can't fly and are not bullet proof.”

“Well, that sucks to be them” I told them. “Not my fault everyone isn't as cool as me.”

“It doesn't help you remind us of that every single day” Zazz says. Hater.

“If I don't remind you every single day then how will you remember?” I ask. “It's like when we were little and I had to teach you how to wipe yourself every time you went to the bathroom.”

“He did that?” Ronica asked Zazz.

“Don't you have somebody to save?” Zazz asked me, trying to change the subject.

“Oh, it was bad, Ronnie” I said. “His family raised him like an animal. Zazz would only brush his teeth when it got so bad that his teeth stuck together. He would squeal like a pig when he had to take a bath. One time he had a mustard stain on his chin for an entire week.”

“It wasn't a week…”

“Yes it was” I say. “I know it was a week because Tuesdays were hotdog Tuesdays and you got it on your face and then still had it on your face seven days later.”

“What does this have to do with anything?” Zazz asked.

“It proves that I have been charitable to children since I was a child myself” I say. Point. Me. “Enough of this talk! It's time to make some sad ass dying kids smile!”

This went on for an hour.

We finally headed to the hospital and I signed autographs and took pictures with the staff for about fifteen minutes. I had to admit, being around all these hot ass nurses was cool. It would've been more fun if Ronica and Zazz weren't here as designated cockblockers, but whatevs. I'm here for the children.

A nurse that was probably hot before I was born takes me to the floor where the super sick kids are. She tries to warn me that what I see may be shocking but to please try and hide my reaction. I remind her that I have flown to Mars, pushed the moon, and even fought a space alien. Honked up kids don't scare me. Then I walked into a room with two children that have cleft palates and yelped.

“What in the Laverne & Shirley are they?!” I screamed. Okay. That was not one of my best moments. I may have overreacted.

“Mr. Panic, these children suffer from a genetic disorder” used to be hot nurse tells me.

“Why would you do this to your kids on purpose?”

“Excuse me?”

“Their parents did this to them through science?!”

“Uh...” she said. “Genetic. Not generic.”

“Oh...” I replied. “That makes way more sense. How come they look like Predators?”

“Palatoschisis and cheiloschisis, which causes a birth defect of their lips, are a genetic disorder, like I said, that effects children. Surgery repairs this condition but most children that have it are from places that can not afford the medical costs.”

“That's fucked up” I said. One of the children, a little girl, laughed. Not sure why but I expected her laugh to sound different. “Can I play with her?”

“Of course.”

I pick up the little girl. The nurse tells me that her name is something that I can't pronounce so I call her Lisa. The nurse tells me how much a surgery like hers costs and I realize that I spent that much on shirts last week and I start to feel bad and when I feel bad and can't punch something I throw money at it as fast as I can until I start to feel better about myself. I let the nurse know that I'll pay for every jacked up kid in the place. She thanks me, Lisa gives me a hug, and I head out of the room. Ronica and Zazz are waiting for me.

“Well?” Ronica says.

“Do not go in that room” I tell her. “Those kids are scary! Did you know that there are kids born with mouths split in half?!”

“Yeah” Zazz says.

“Oh, really?” I ask. “What's it called, Mr. Smarty Pants Know It All Peabody?”

“Cleft palate” he says. Ha! He's wrong!

“Ha!” I say. “You're wrong! Its called paleolithic and chickosaurus!”

“That can't be right” Zazz says.

“Your face can't be right” I reply. Ronica pinches my arm. I pinch her ass. She knows the rules. “I told the nurse lady that I was gonna pay for a bunch of these kids to get taken care of. I'm generous like that.”

“Money can't help all of the kids here, Johnny” Ronica tells me.

“Lies!” I say. “Money helps everyone. Especially children on account of them being smaller so things cost less. I am learning so much today. Now enough of this negativity. Let's go make it rain in the cancer ward!”

So we head over there and Ronica proves me wrong. There are these little kids that have various stages of cancer and it sucks. There are two boys who were named Johnny after me. They said that they wanted to be me when I grow up. Now, I don't cry often, but when I do its ugly. You ever see a Harvey Keitel movie? My cry makes his seem like a light whimper. The kids start laughing at me. There's a picture that ended up in the papers and online of me staring at the ceiling, mouth wide open, wailing with tears streaming down my cheeks, surrounded by a bunch of bald happy children. It looks like the worst album cover ever. The picture became a meme. Assholes would stand at a party, wedding, or anywhere fun and make a face like they were crying while everyone else was cheering.

Either way I ended up staying there for three days granting wishes. Ronica left after one day and made me promise not to do anything stupid. Zazz got pooped on by a baby. It was awesome. I slept for two hours the whole time surrounded by kids. They dog-piled me when I was passed out and when I woke up I took them in groups flying. Just piled them into buses or ambulances if needed and flew them around. Before I left I did some TV interviews and donated $20 million to some hospitals and set up a fund for parents that can't afford treatments for whatever.

“I know that cancer is a bitch but there are a lot of other things wrong” I said. “There are kids with Predator faces. Did you know that?! We need to fix this. No more Predator kids on my watch!” That didn't come out the way I wanted but people got the point. I'm a good person.

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.  

Click here to donate and learn about Operation Smile.

Click here to donate and learn about Smile Train.