Monday, June 13, 2016

Kids These Days 67

Whatever happened to just telling a punkass kid “No”? The new Finding Dory movie is coming out and pet stores and people that care about fish in general are worried about a bunch of parents that are controlled by their children will show up in droves buying these expensive and hard to take care of fish because they can't tell their kids to stop being stupid and go clean their room because it smells like fruit and ass and the laundry hamper looks brand new because clothes are never put in it. Years ago this same thing happened with clown fish after Finding Nemo came out. Same with turtles after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dory is based off of a fish known as a blue tang. I knew nothing of this type of fish and had to find some basic information. Turns out that the blue tang fish ain't nothing to fuck with. I just made that up and if you hear it anywhere else you'll think of me. You're welcome. 

These are known as surgeon fish and are important to reef control. They live in spots between six and 131 feet deep which is a bit different than that shitty little tank you have in your living room. They live in waters all the way from New York to Brazil and can live between right to 20 years. Read that again. That is a long ass time to have something that is gonna just swim in circles watching you sleep and wondering why its in this tank watching you grow up from a spoiled brat to a heathen that rubs its genitals against any hard surface before forgetting to feed it for a few days because life happened. Oh, and they get about a foot long. I would never have thought that. I would have guessed maybe five inches tops. Like dicks. 

As a child I had two dogs and a lot of fish. My fish would live for a while. I won't get into what happened to a bunch of them I had for the last time in elementary school because I don't feel like calling my mother late at night and cursing at her. But I liked having them and they were so fun to just watch and wonder what weird things went through their fish brains. I had a couple more in junior high and a few years back one more that was cool. It got sick and that sucked.

The thing is all of my fish were cheap, free, or gifts. I didn't see one in a movie and beg my parents to get me one. Hell, all the stuff I wanted as pets when I was little were not real. If you got me a Falcor from The Neverending Story I would have been your slave until the end of time. Or cartoon characters. But if I were a parent today and my kid saw this crazy ass blue fish, that honestly ain't even cute, I'd just say no to them and go about my day. I also like to think I wouldn't raise a kid that would get that upset because I said no to them. I am sure every parent just laughed reading that to which I say: stop letting your kids use cell phones and try talking to them once in a while before they put you in an old folks home where they steal you food and punch you in their I'm planning.

Click here for previous Kids These Days.

No comments: