Thursday, June 16, 2016

Dante Saves You: Purge Edition

I know its been a long ass time since I've done one of these and in that time you and your dumb ass friends have probably managed to get yourselves in all kinds of trouble involving guns, fires, and wayward children. But I am now back with this Dante Saves You Purge Edition! I have seen two of the Purge films that have come out so far (click here and here to read those) and they are a lesson in what not to do in a planned dangerous situation. There is another one coming out and I'm sure if I waited I could come up with five more things you could avoid by just not being stupid.

Stay Inside

Every year for 12 hours starting at 7pm and ending at 7am everyone in America is allowed to murder, rape, and just generally fuck shit up legally. Everyone knows it coming and smart people prepare by gathering as many weapons as they can with a list of people they want to wreck. forget that you didn't grab dinner months or even weeks in advance and decide that you really want that turkey burger and head to the store at 6:56pm hoping to get home before the Purge starts. You deserve to die!

Its 12 fucking hours! Just stay inside and you can avoid so much trouble. If someone comes to your place looking to start shit you have had over a year since the last Purge to either have weapons ready or to make sure your place is safe. Oh, and to make sure that no one in your house wants your ass dead and are holding a grudge because you ate the last bowl of Honeycomb in the house. Fuck that guy, by the way. Me want Honeycomb just as much as he did.

Don't Have Kids

Kids are a liability in the Purge. Either you will have to waste valuable ammunition to protect them or they will let their boyfriends in the house that wanna kill you so they can have sex like that makes sense. If you have kids during the Purge chances are they will either yelp when they need to be quiet or be like this one above and just be a creepazoid that uses a robot baby doll to jump scare you at times when that is the last thing you need in your life. Like life ain't hard enough without having this bullshit to deal with. I don't like spooky behavior and this kid is the definition of it.

But if its too late and you have kids because you can't pull out like every other responsible American citizen you can just lock them in the room for the night. Yeah, maybe next year they'll remember that shit and try to Purge you but at least you'll live for another year. And make sure they don't let hobos that are being hunted by rich White folks in. End up having to Purge the fuck out of your own kids which is totally legal by the way. Hey, I'm just putting it out there!

Level Up

Since you have an entire year to do this there is no reason why you shouldn't own assault rifles and flamethrowers unless the idea of being coursed once a year appeals to you. You should be so damned ready that when it is time to Purge people know not to even talk to you about it. You got your armor. You got cool ass face paint. You got more bullets than brain cells. On this one day its not like you have to be a rational adult. You can use anything other than explosives so just go nuts. I laugh when I see people with small handguns or knives. How about slapping three knives onto a crossbow mounted in a shotgun? See what I mean? Level the fuck up!

Have Friends

This is way more important than people make it seem in these movies. In this they either have friends (and family) that are equally as dumb as the are or somehow worse. You need to have friends that will not slow you down by running slow or falling on air. You need a friend that will kick someone that is on your back and also smart enough to know when your ass is not getting up anytime soon. Hey, sometimes you gotta take one for the team. Stop being such a selfish asshole, ya selfish asshole.

Its also important to know who your friends are. You can't just let some new person join up with you because you don't know who they are and why they are outside during the Purge like your goofy ass. They could be a magnet for trouble. We all know people like that. Every party they go to fights break out. Every wedding they attend an argument occurs. They are at church and people get the holy ghost. Just trouble. Gather friends that aren't close to family or have kids. That is your best chance of survival in a group during this time. After 7am the next day you can do whatever the fuck you want.

But Choose Them Carefully

There is one scene in the second movie where they have already seen dozens of people mowed down with bullets and attacked so by the time something smaller happens you should be real used to it. Nope. While hiding from marauders in an alley a rat crawls up this chicks leg and she lets out a scream alerting certain death to their whereabouts. Nope. You dead now. I don't need that kind of stress in my life. If I come across you because you were running down the street screaming you better just keep on running because you are not joining my crew.

You gotta mix up your crew. You gotta have someone that is fast, a strong person, bait (sorry, chubby friend), a brave person (you can optionally be this person but I don't recommend it), and someone that is crazy but not unpredictable. Its cool if they are wiling to rush into a room and start swinging spiked bats but you don't want them doing it unprovoked. On a scale of 1 to 10 you want a crazy friend that is a 4 and tops off at a 7. That is a safe amount of crazy.

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.

No comments: