Kids These Days 80

A couple of days ago I was talking to my friend and randomly we started talking about Hostess pies and I remembered that there was a damned pie based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My parents weren't the make a lunch with a nice dessert kinda parents so when there were new candies, cereals, or snacks I tried them. Ask me about any cereal available in the 80's or 90's and chances are I ate it. I was powered by sugar, salt, and chemicals that are now banned in many countries. “Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies: One of the rarest TMNT food products was made by Hostess from 1990-1992; it was the 'Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pie' - with a green glazed pie crust and 'Vanilla Puddin' Power' inside. A commercial for the pies featured all four turtles, performing a rap song with the memorable line, 'Fresh from the sewers to you!'”

Just Talking With Dante Episode 41

“There were so many varying forms of hoochie mama going on.”

In this episode I catch you all up on the past few weeks in my life, an annoying Lyft driver, seeing Kinky Boots and Cats at the Pantages, talk about my birthday, problems finding a barber, a kid drugging his stepdad for funsies, the update on a newscasters death, and some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 79

This is a cute ass looking ant. It's called a Panda Ant or if you one of those fancy folks it is known as Euspinolia militaris. I know you might think this I a cute half-assed Pokemon but in fact it is not even an ant. It is a wingless wasp! Its known as a panda ant because it, well, looks like a panda and an ant. The lady versions have thicker fur and no wings. The do not live in colonies like other insects choose to but rather stay alone. Oh, and they are also known as “cow killer” because their stings are so painful they can knock out an actual cow. These are found in Chilean forests which is awesome for me because I have never been there and likely never will so I don't have to worry about them biting my ass while I rest. Wait. They are found in the Southwest too? Fuck that. This monster wasn't discovered by some poor unfortunate soul until the 1930's. The males of the species get their creep on at night while the ladies get down during the day. They lay their eggs in a nest of another insect, their babies hatch, and immediately start eating the other insects. Little bastards.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Dante Bought A New Comb

Yesterday I went to get a haircut. The barber I used last year and once this year was not returning my calls so I went to this other barbershop on La Brea called Trendsetters. After making it home and being beyond pleased with my haircut I had to sit and wait for my new comb. I know that sounds weird. Last year I started using this sponge brush. It worked great but after a while it gets whatever you put in your hair all in it and starts to fall apart leaving little pieces of sponge in your hair. The last time I used it and later combed my hair out I noticed how much was falling out. I wondered if there was some new version of it or a new product.

I ended up finding this thing called a Twist It Up comb. It did not look like a comb. Look at it. It looks like a small tennis racket. I ordered it on Amazon along with Red One Aqua Hair Wax. Everyone said it smelled like red Kool Aid. It arrived today and I needed to know if this damned thing worked as well as it did in the countless terrible, annoying, carbon copy videos I watched on Youtube. Seriously. Videos where Black people are showing hair products are 90% bullshit and trying to be funny. They not. I watched a video that was 18 minutes long and the guy only used the brush in the last two goddamn minutes. Unacceptable! But...I did see a bunch of fine ass women with short hair using this. I watched one where she tried it out but added so many products beforehand that it did not work and she decided to keep using the sponge brush.

So I opened my package (giggity) and started using this. In a minute it already started working. I was watching this happen and being shocked. I then added a little bit of the Red One and started using the comb some more. Hell, I am using it every few minutes now because it feels good and keeps making my hair curlier. The Red One smells nice and it not as powerful smelling as folks said in reviews. It is not sticky feeling and my hair can still move. I expected it to be stiff. I do not know what type of hair I have. It is like cat hair unless I use vitamin E oil as soon as I start growing it. I used to use gels that hardened and mousses to get the look I wanted but knew that shit was bad in the long run. I also cut my hair on a whim. I want to keep growing it now so I am glad I got this Twist It Up comb. I can wash it. I can take it with me. Seriously. This was a great purchase.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Females

The word “female” never made it into my vocabulary. There are a lot of words that thankfully never snuck in. It also helps that I didn't start cursing until I was 22. I was listening to a podcast and this guy kept saying the word female and it sounded so weird and each time he said it I would think “Dude, cut that out.” This is not me virtue signaling. Just pointing out that some words bug people an usually because of the context. I use words like lady, woman, women folk, and chicks. Chicks has slowly begun to be replaced by any of those other words. But female never made its way in. If you hear someone use the word it is almost never in a way considered good. “This female said...” “All these females be...” “That place is full of females...” The only time it sounds not weird is when it is added to an occupation such as female cop, female firefighter, or female doctor. The word “male” sounds weird to me unless someone is talking about a wild animal. If some dude told me he had a lot of female friends I translate that to “I have a lot of people as friends...that I wanna bone down.” That's on me.

Even women use the word female against one another. It's a strange weapon to use. I know when there are words that suddenly are not okay to say anymore or words that you are told are not cool to say it is an odd feeling. You have so many questions. There are some words that were so okay to say back in the 80's that I had to let go of. If you have trouble letting go of particular words you need to wonder why and when you use those words and actually do research as to why those words make people feel like shit. That is pretty much why certain words stop circulating. They make people feel shitty and you shouldn't pride yourself on making people feel shitty. I know it is a cool thing these days to make people feel shitty online. Listen. I get it. Sometimes meaning most of the time it feels like you are being told to stop saying or doing something because it hurts the feelings of someone. Chances are you are using those words because you don't like the person you are using them against. Spend that time thinking of something you enjoy instead.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 40

“The internet is like 80% for masturbating, and 10% for getting mad, and the other 10% to get depressed. ”

In this episode I talk about my past week, getting a new plant, bitch about Netflix, bacon fighting back, Craigslist Rants And Raves, Missed Connections, and some Dear Abby advice that makes me shout. Click here for previous episodes.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 39

“If you have a big package you shouldn't say that...unless its frightening.”

In this episode I catch you up with my week, a dude that thinks he was being chased by snakes and zombies, Liam Neeson roams the streets looking to kill Black men, 21 Savage possibly being deported, Demi Lovato catching all the hell, a church leader thinking god would protect him from lions, a guy gets arrested with an odd penis tattoo, get mad at Missed Connections grammar, and a lot of Dear Abby reading that makes me lose my mind. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Gets Curious: Men Vs Women

There was a video that came out last week of this dude laying out two women with haymakers. At the time the guy was not caught but as of a day or so he had turned himself in. His name is Arka Oroojian. When I was talking to a friend about this video I said “I wonder what led up to this moment.” Not even kind of defending this big ass dude for knocking out two women. But I knew that it did not go from zero to sixty as it was being portrayed because I know how humans work. The video that went around started with this guy hitting these women and not quite running away. It was definitely not a run. A saunter maybe but not a run. There were a lot of people around and no one jumped in to help. Someone recorded the whole thing and even filmed him getting away.

Something about the video bothered me. Yes, seeing two women knocked out not in a UFC cage was one. Also the fact that no one helped. I was bothered by that but I understand why they did not. More on that later. Arka (which is way faster for me to type) said in an interview “I definitely feel bad...I wish they didn't spit on me or attack me.” Uh-oh. Plot twist. So he is saying that before the video started that he was attacked. This is what I meant by something not feeling right when I watched the video. I could not imagine people getting upset at someone for taking too long to get a hot dog to punches. I could easily imagine a woman or two bowing up to a guy because that shit happens. It happens more now or is just seen more now because everyone films everything.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 38

“She is pussy popping in the parking lot. She is between 35 and 72.”

In this episode I catch you up on my past week, a boy blaming a dog for his drug use, I question if anything good happens at a Waffle House, update on that pervert that slept with a comatose patient, and read a couple Dear Abby advice articles. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Gets Curious: The Impossible Burger

People jump on things fast. Clothing trends. Health trends. Food trends. The food trends is the one that usually bugs me the most because when people find out about some new food that is healthy for you they want everyone to stop what they are doing and try it. The newest thing is the Impossible Burger. I first saw it at The Counter and had no desire to try it. I am not against vegan and vegetarian things as much as I used to be especially considering that Donut Friend is my favorite donut spot and that shit is super vegan. But I like burgers. I like beef. I have no intention of stopping even though I know that the way it is made is fucked up and that the animals I eat make a lot of waste. I know this and am not changing until I find out that my heart is going to explode because of my diet. This Impossible Burger has me curious but the prices of those things alone keep me from buying one. Also the fact that it is supposed to taste like a burger. I tell myself I balance things out by not driving, never been on a plane, and barely make waste.

I know that sounds weird. I won't try something that is not made of beef that is supposed to taste like beef. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dante and I am skeptical as fuck and question everything. Too much. I question things too much and this burger is something I question. I looked up some information about this thing because it came out of nowhere. I want to know what it has, what it does, and who made it. It's not like they were in the vanishing Amazon and found this plant that produces beef juices. Damn, that would be awesome. This was created in a lab much like the beef I'll be eating in the future. Read about science meat. Sounds horrible but I'd hop on that faster than this Impossible Burger. The investors of Impossible Foods has been Google Ventures, Khosla Ventures, Viking Global Investors, UBS, Horizons Ventures, and Bill Gates contributing millions. I know some people saw Google and Bill Gates and their butt holes tightened a little.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 37

“I don't like when girls wear Daisy Duke's and their legs still get circulation.”

In this episode I talk about MLK Day and what it meant as a child, complain about women using dark arts to look like another woman, an old woman robbing people on a tricycle, and listen to a bad song that Jasmine wanted to torture me with. Click here for previous episode.

Dante Was In Snow Once

Jasmine wants me to talk about my one experience in the snow. I touched on this for a bit in an older post. So here goes. I was about 13-14 years old at the time. This picture is around that time period. At my school we had a hiking class. You could take a variety of classes at this bootleg ass school and hiking was one. Swimming was another. Hell, even gymnastics. Ask me if I know how to do a backflip. Ask me! So we would have different teachers on these hikes depending on the quarter. This school did not have semesters. I didn't experience that shit until high school. So this year it was our P.E teacher named Ernie. We called teaches by their first name at that school. So Ernie would tell us “Let's go, ladies!” and we would board the bus. We never knew where we were going. Ever. We would just get on the bus and end up somewhere. Sometimes it was close. One time it was far.

Real far.

So there I am. It's the early 90's. I got on steel toe boots, tight jeans right before those went out of style only to return decades later, and what Josh would call a “Cosby sweater.” It pretty much was. Blue with yellow, red, and orange shapes on it. Shit would be fly now. So we on the bus and it is taking actual hours to get where ever we were going. The driver, Mr. Baldwin, was not the best driver. He was dangerous in the city so imagine suddenly being on roads barely big enough for a car being commandeered by an actual school bus. A big ass Twinkie is heading up these winding ass roads. We would stick our heads out the window and see over the side. The shit was terrifying!

Bird Box Challenge Champion

Have you seen that Bird Box movie on Netflix? My condolences. I have written about the challenges that sweep the world for a few weeks before someone gets hurt, fired from their job, or dies. The current challenge that idiots are doing is the Bird Box Challenge. It is a thing where you put on a blindfold and just try to do things. From the photos and videos I have seen there have been people running into walls. Trying to walk through their own home unsuccessfully, lifting weights, or running. The current champion is a 17 year old girl from Utah that crashed her car while trying this challenge. Yeah. She got into a vehicle, put on a blindfold, and drove a car. The teen was not hurt nor was the 16 year old passenger in the car with her or the driver of the other car her stupid ass hit.

Allegedly she pulled her beanie over her eyes while driving. Police tweeted the image of her car along with the message “Bird Box Challenge while driving...predictable result.” Officer Lyman said “Luckily no injuries. It's just outrageous that somebody would think to do that. The stakes are just way too high to do something like that while you're driving.” This is not something you should have to say to another human. You shouldn't. And I hope this girl is never allowed to drive ever again. “But she is just a kid! They do things like that!” Yeah. Teens o do things like that. You know, hitting people with their cars and killing them. Sure, the guy she hit was not killed or the person in the car with her but it could have easily happened because she decided to do some silly shit like drive a big ass car with her vision impaired. It is reported that her car started veering, she went into oncoming traffic, sideswiped a car, hit a light pole, and then a concrete barrier.

This shit has gotten so stupid that even Netflix had to issue a statement. “Can't believe I have to say this, but: PLEASE DO NOT HURT YOURSELVES WITH THIS BIRD BOX CHALLENGE. We don’t know how this started, and we appreciate the love, but Boy and Girl have just one wish for 2019 and it is that you not end up in the hospital due to memes.”

Just Talking With Dante Episode 36

“For the amount of money I paid for dinner last night I could have gotten two blow jobs and sex according to 90's hooker prices.”

In this random ass episode I talk about what I have been up to the past week, complain about horoscopes, seeing movies, an old man robbed by prostitutes, a woman hiding watches all up in her body, and read some Craigslist Missed Connections that horrify me. Click here for previous episodes.

Kids These Days 79

I was talking to H. this morning and we got on the topic of Lunchables. When I did an image search there appeared all manner of Lunchables that I didn't know existed. Here is a short history of them. “Lunchables was designed in 1985 by Bob Drane, Tom Bailey, Jeff James, and Deborah Giarusso as a way for Oscar Mayer to sell more bologna and other lunch meat. After organizing focus groups of American mothers Drane discovered that their primary concern was time. Working mothers especially were pressed by the time constraints of fixing breakfast for their families as well as packing something for their children to eat at school. This gave Drane the idea of creating a convenient prepackaged lunch featuring Oscar Mayer's trademark red meat. Crackers were substituted for bread because they could last longer in grocery coolers. The cheese was provided by Kraft when Oscar Mayer merged with Kraft in 1988. The design of the package was based on the look of an American TV dinner.”

So they wanted to sale more meat and decided to give kids high blood pressure. When you read the nutritional facts on these things you see that you get almost the daily recommended amount of salts and sugars from one serving of these. Granted, back then people didn't know as much or care as much about health. I think folks were still getting used to the fact that kids were living past years old and the bigger they got the more you had to feed 'em. So while these were created in 1985 they didn't go international until 1989. So I was 10 years old and ready to get my meat, cheese, and crackers on! That is the perfect age to start shaping kids for good or bad. When you are that age you don't consider yourself a kid but know full and damn well you aren't a teen so every decision you make seems important.