Friday, April 15, 2016

Johnny Panic: The Long Hard Chat

Click here for Check Your Privilege which leads to this.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna get my ass chewed out by a woman wearing primary colors. Ronica warned me that this chick might try this technique. Zazz, being such a huge fan of Aphrodite Malone whose name they made me say a hundred times to memorize, assured me that she would go on the offensive.

Plus one of her dumbass fans tweeted that she told them all not to mention this but they did and we knew what we were walking into.

“Its a pleasure to meet you” I tell this Malone. “I'm Johnny--

“I know who you are and I'm not gonna let you try and bullshit your way into my pants” she says.

“What in the--” Ronica begins.

“And you're nothing but an enabler” Aphrodite says.

“Wow” Zazz says.

“And you're the fat friend” she hisses at Zazz. No one calls my fat friend the fat friend except his hot friend. I'm just about to sonic scream this chick through a wall when Aimee sneezes. Its a fake sneeze. I look over at her and she uses her eyes to motion to Aphrodite's hand. This bitch is recording this. She's a sneaky snake!

I kinda lose it on her.

“Listen here, you do nothing hooker” I tell her. She steps back. “You are what is wrong with so many people right now. You think that by building your name by attacking me and my family--”

“You consider me family?” Zazz asks.

“--that it will somehow validate your existence.” I ignore Zazz's question. Aphrodite holds her phone up right in my face. “It won't. There are thousands of negative ass people like you born every second. Its cool right now but in a year, maybe a year, you will be left without this show. Without this audience. Without any of the 'friends' you think you've made during this time. And what will I be doing? I'll be saving the world. Even for people like you who think that by talking mad shit that it will make some kinda change. It won't.”

“You done yet?” she asks me.

He is but I haven't even started” Ronica says. I hold out my hand and she tags herself in. “You are like my Bizarro. As you know from prying into our lives so hard, I met Walter because I ran the best fan-site in the world.”

“Damn good site” I say.

“After all kinds of craziness we ended up dating. And even though it was and is great to be with him it is not easy. You write about the houses, the money, the fame, and the adulation. What you don't write about are the personal stories of the people he helps. The charities that are in his name. Or the fact that every single time he leaves the house, sometimes because I tell him to, to put out fires, stop missiles from hitting buildings, or god forbid another alien attack, that its my man. Its the father of our child that is leaving. Not Johnny Panic the superhero.”

“Only one in the world.”

“Its Walter Toner. A kid that grew up in L.A and for whatever reason was given super powers and instead of taking over the world like a million other people would have or using his gifts to just make money. His mother raised him in such a way that he decided to save the planet. I wouldn't expect anything less from him.”

“I wouldn't expect anything more” Zazz says and I'm not sure if its an insult or not.

“Are you all finished now?” Aphrodite asks again. “That was a really nice speech but it was all fake. I can't imagine how long it took for you all to rehearse this.” A wall slides open and she spreads her arms. I know what she is doing. She is expecting a round of applause. She has exposed the fraud, Johnny Panic!


She turns and faces the audience and they all sit looking at her. Not watching. She is being looked at. And judged. She rolls her eyes and faces them and immediately they start booing her. I know that this should feel incredible, but for some reason it doesn't. This is just ugly.

I float up behind her and the crowd starts to clap. I know these are the same people that were waiting for me to be skewered live but now that I'm right in front of them they are in awe. Its a thing. I get it. I'm Johnny Panic. I can fly and do cool stuff. 

“I'm sure I don't have to introduce myself” I say. They all stand and start cheering. Three women and one guy faint. I like odd numbers so I wink and three more women go down. “You all came here to see Aphrodite tear me down, right? Little did she know that I am not just a man. I am a team! She thought this was gonna be a squash match.” I've been watching a lot of wrestling lately. “But what she didn't know was that this was a handicap match with Freebird Rules! I got some hits in. Zazz tried but Ronica had to save him. Hell, even Aimee got the party started! In the end we won, this chick looks like a foolish fool, and...and...shit.”

This doesn't feel like a win.

I end up finishing up at the studio and fly us all back home. Ronica knows that something is bothering me because she is my bae and knows these things. I'm on the roof and she smiles up at me. My heart starts beating fast and my theory that she is a witch is almost confirmed.

“I'm not a witch” she says. I point an accusatory finger at her. She puts her hands on her hips until I fly down and bring her up with me. “You got the whimpers?”



“Even though we made that chick look stupid I don't feel like I won. Does that make sense?”

“It means you are growing up” she tells me. “Remember how you felt after you beat that alien by farting into his mouth?”

“I farted in his mouth good...”

“You were saving the entire world” she continues. “This was what is called a personal victory. As much as you think you're out for yourself you feel better when you help others and make everyone else feel good.”

“That doesn't sound right.”

“Three years ago if I had told you that I was the only woman you were sleeping with and that we had a child would you have thought that was right?” she asks. Hmm. This sounds like a trap.

“That would have...sounded like...heaven...or...something.”

“You're a terrible liar” she sighs. “There will be another Aphrodite and even more after that. But next time we won't waste time going to their shows. Now come inside. Aimee is almost finished with dinner and Milly...”

“ floating away” I finish. Zazz comes running outside as Milly floats into the sky. “I doubt anyone has ever had to say this but God but if I ever see you let my child float away again I'm gonna toss you into the atmosphere.”

“Noted” Zazz says and jumps up grabbing Milly's tether.  

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