Thursday, April 7, 2016

President Trump Plans To Build Wall Around Earth

President Trump held a press conference earlier today declaring that a wall would be placed in between planet Earth and Mars, further straining Earthling/Martian relations. Since his third reign as President of the United States Trump has slowly moved towards the plan of creating an even greater divide between humanity and Martians. In today's press conference he stated “When Mars sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists.”

After the gasps settled he continued. “I will build a great wall and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me - and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our solar border, and I will make Mars pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

No one bothered to explain that there is no such thing as a “solar border.”

Vice President Jesse “The Body/Mind/Cyborg” Ventura later commented “Government works less efficiently when it begins to grow out of control and takes on more and more of the responsibilities that belong to the citizens.” This statement led many to believe that he was opposed to Trump's plan. It later turned out that it was actually his hologram that was programmed to state random quotes from earlier in his life which explains why just two weeks prior he said “Wow! look at the size of Damian! He's had more hotdogs than you, Gorilla!” and “Look at Heenan! Grabs the leg of The Warrior, he's holding on!” much to the confusing of a classroom full of 3rd graders.

Actor Matt Damon issued a statement on behalf of Mars. In 2023 he was forcefully removed from planet Earth after Trump watched what he called “a Martian apologist documentary” The Martian. Damon, not one to shy away from taking a stand politically, asked for the resignation of Donald Trump. “He is obviously insane” Damon stated from an ill built space station on Mars. “He watched a movie from almost ten years ago and decided that it went against his political beliefs and sent an American citizen to another planet. Its...its crazy. I don't know how else to put it.”

“Sorry losers and haters” Trump responded. “But my I.Q. is one of the highest - and you all know it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault.”

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