President Trump held a press conference
earlier today declaring that a wall would be placed in between planet
Earth and Mars, further straining Earthling/Martian relations. Since
his third reign as President of the United States Trump has slowly
moved towards the plan of creating an even greater divide between
humanity and Martians. In today's press conference he stated “When
Mars sends its people, they're not sending their best. They're
sending people that have lots of problems. They're bringing drugs.
They're bringing crime. They're rapists.”
After the gasps settled he continued.
“I will build a great wall and nobody builds walls better than me,
believe me - and I'll build them very inexpensively. I will build a
great, great wall on our solar border, and I will make Mars pay for
that wall. Mark my words.”
No one bothered to explain that there
is no such thing as a “solar border.”
Vice President Jesse “The Body/Mind/Cyborg”
Ventura later commented “Government works less efficiently when it
begins to grow out of control and takes on more and more of the
responsibilities that belong to the citizens.” This statement led
many to believe that he was opposed to Trump's plan. It later turned
out that it was actually his hologram that was programmed to state
random quotes from earlier in his life which explains why just two
weeks prior he said “Wow! look at the size of Damian! He's had more
hotdogs than you, Gorilla!” and “Look at Heenan! Grabs the leg of
The Warrior, he's holding on!” much to the confusing of a classroom full of
3rd graders.
Actor Matt Damon issued a statement on
behalf of Mars. In 2023 he was forcefully removed from planet Earth
after Trump watched what he called “a Martian apologist
documentary” The Martian. Damon, not one to shy away from taking a stand
politically, asked for the resignation of Donald Trump. “He is
obviously insane” Damon stated from an ill built space station on
Mars. “He watched a movie from almost ten years ago and decided
that it went against his political beliefs and sent an American
citizen to another planet. Its...its crazy. I don't know how else to
put it.”
“Sorry losers and haters” Trump
responded. “But my I.Q. is one of the highest - and you all know
it! Please don't feel so stupid or insecure, it's not your fault.”
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