Saturday, April 23, 2016

Trying To Date The Kardashian's

The Kardashian women as well as the Jenners are...something else. I was talking to my cousin recently about which one of them I would have the best chance of dating or which one I'd even want to. I'd never put much thought or consideration into all of them but thought it'd be fun to break down each of them and look at what possible chances I'd have dating one of them if this was a reality where I thought doing such a thing would be a good idea.

Which I don't.

I'll be listing their ages, reported heights, previous relationships (according to the internet), best and worst qualities that I am aware of, and the percentage I'd have of dating them. As of now its zero. Is there a number that is less than zero? Banana. I have banana chances of actually dating one of them. If reading this upsets you chances are you need more hobbies and/or things to be angry about other than my random nonsense.

Name: Kendall Jenner

Age: 20

Height: 5'10”

Relationships: Ryan Nassif, Harry Styles, Nick Jonas, Jordan Clarkson.

Best Quality: Her hair?

Worst Quality: Likes pretty boys.

Chance Percentage: 6%

20 years old is a child for me. Hell, 30 years old is damn near pushing it since every six years in life is so different from the next in terms of how you think, look, and behave for the most part. I have dated thin chicks contrary to popular belief but have no desire to date a model. Again. Plus this whole dating nothing but famous people thing is gross to me. I don't want to be able to Google who I am with and see them with multiple people. I don't even like knowing who someone I'm dating dated.

Name: Kylie Jenner

Age: 18

Height: 5'6”

Relationships: Cody Simpson, Jaden Smith, Tyga.

Best Quality: Hips.

Worst Quality: Tyga.

Chance Percentage: 15%.

If her 20 year old sister is a child then this girl is damn near a toddler. I've been on this planet twice as long as she has. I know about the guys she's hooked up with and each time I just shook my head because this girl is so young. When she got with Tyga that was a whole mess because he was the baby daddy of who may now be her future sister in law Blac Chyna through her brother Rob Kardashian. Oh, its such a hot mess. She has also already started screwing around with her face which is silly as hell at such a young age. But she does have a thing for Black guys so that is why the percentage chance is higher. Chances are you will only see half her face in pictures because of her big ass cell phone.

Name: Kim Kardashian

Age: 35

Height: 5'3”

Relationships: Joey Lawrence, Damon Thomas (married), Ray J, Nick Lachey, Game, Nick Cannon, Reggie Bush, Kris Humphries (married), Kanye West (married with children).

Best Quality: Cry face.

Worst Quality: Cry face.

Chance Percentage: 70%.

This woman loves the Blackers! If I had a shit ton of money or was famous for my legs, which I should be, she'd be all over me like a cheap suit. But besides the fact I know too many people she dated I have seen her porno and it made me like that years version of her even less. I was like “Put some enthusiasm into this!” Plus she's been married three times and I doubt Jesus is cool with that and if you know me you know I'm all about my concern with how Jesus feels about me. She was cute before she started going Buffalo Bill on her entire body.

Name: Khloe Kardashian

Age: 31

Height: 5'10”

Relationships: Rashad McCants, Derrick Ward, Lamar Odom (married), French Montana, James Harden.

Best Quality: Smile.

Worst Quality: Too caring.

Chance Percentage: 93.5%.

Khloe is by far my favorite Kardashian. Though she is well into the territory where her ass is too big for her body out of any of these girls in the family she is the one that I'd like to hang out with. And it doesn't hurt that she is way into guys with my skin tone. She is also 31 which is a reasonable age for me to be trying to holler at. Khloe seems fun as well. I saw a video of her twerking in a dress and high-fived my screen. Her downside really is that she can not stay single for longer than a week.

Name: Kourtney Kardashian

Age: 37

Height: 5'0”

Relationships: Joe Francis (ew!), Scott Disick (children).

Best Quality: Good mother.

Worst Quality: Her baby daddy.

Chance Percentage: 24%.

Kourtney is the one that I know the least about. Though she is in public with her sisters or taking pictures of her own ass at the beach she seems to know how not to be found when she wants it. She has kids with Disick who seems like a total asshole whenever I see a picture of him. She seems the most normal of the Kardashian's but not that fun. But kids like me so I think I'd have a chance with her.  

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