Thursday, March 2, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 64

Stargazer Fish

You see this thing? Fuck this thing. This is a Stargazer Fish. I never knew this thing existed until today and I could've lived the rest of my life not knowing that this thing lived in the sea. The ocean is already this place where everything that the bible describes will show up when the Rapture arrives lives. Just imagine going deep sea diving and everything is going well. You and your foolish spouse decide that it is a good idea to put oxygen tanks on your backs and go searching for...stuff. I don't know what people do underwater except pray. You look down and this goddamn thing is staring up at you. How quickly would your ass go flying up back to the surface? Too fast. Next thing you know you got the bends. You don't even wanna know what that shit is.

There are fifty one species of these things and they live worldwide. Oh, great. Its stupid eyes are mounted on top of its stupid head along with its stupid mouth. They hide in the sand and when its time to eat they leap out like assholes. They can grow up to almost three feet long which is just unfair. They have two poisonous spines and some of them can even generate electric shocks. The shit is up with that? The last brave men on Earth eat these because for whatever reason their venom is not poisonous when eaten. Wonder what legendary asshole was the first to try this out. Wikipedia says that these have been called “the meanest things in creation.” I imagine anything that could shock and poison you at the same time would have that title. Its like someone shooting you and then stabbing you.

Atlantic Wolffish

Fuck this thing too! The Atlantic Wolffish can get to 40 pounds of blue scaled bullshit. The largest one was six feet long which is extremely unfair for other fish. And me. It swims side to side like an eel and its fin runs down the entire length of its body. Cool story. This damned thing also has teeth that are bonkers. Look at that bullshit. We all know someone that has teeth like this. 

On the bottom and top rows they have four to six fangs along with three rows of teeth meant for crushing. I'm sure some of you have had ex girlfriends with mouths like that. Am I right? Each row of teeth have different types of teeth for crushing and just to make shit even more jacked up its throat is covered with serrated teeth. Read that again. Its throat! These things were still being discovered in the mid 1800's which I am sure made them shit their knickers. They can live in near freezing waters and in Iceland their names translate to stone biter. I call it shit inducer. 

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