Friday, May 26, 2017

New Dating/Relationship Rules

This is something I've been thinking about for a while after my last few relationships. I've not been in many as I tend to date someone for a couple of years and afterward stay single for an extended amount of time. The last time I was with someone it lasted less than a month and before that it was in 2013 and that last five months. Before that it was lasting for years each time. That is a little backstory. To go into even further detail just so you know a bit about these previous relationships the races have varied, their heights, weights, origins, occupations, and behaviors. The only thing I can say they all had in common was that they were nice at one point and we could talk.

I decided to create these New Dating/Relationship Rules because people keep tripping and not being honest. Or people are afraid to ask these questions which sucks because it would save a lot of time and heartbreak. These are questions that are acceptable between the first and third date. Skip talking about boring shit like politics and religion. That stuff is important in gathering crazy level data but that is long term thinking. You gotta ask these questions before you get them draws.

What Medication Are You On?

So important! You may not think so but I got some science and shit to back this one up. There is an estimated 326 million people in this country. You can't even picture that amount of people so stop trying. And out of those 326 million there are 119 million that admit that they are on medication. Ages 12 and up are included in this. And out of those 119 million about 19 million admit to abusing drugs by taking too many or using drugs that don't belong to them. I'm gonna personally bump that shit up to 50 million because there are a lot of you running around doped up and not admitting it. If I am dating someone I wanna know what to expect. I don't want to wake up with them standing over me holding a knife with their eyes closed or go to get breakfast and it turned out that they cooked a Thanksgiving dinner in their sleep. This is for real shit by the way.

You should head into relationships with full disclosure. At least I've treated it that way. No one I have ever dated could say “He was fine until I found out about that!” Biggest complaint from two was that I have too many chick friends and think I've fucked them. Nope. Some of the others just had men and trust issues that I was not willing to deal with anymore. And one I suspect was on medication and hiding it or needed it. I am hoping it was the first because that bitch would flip suddenly. I am not vilifying anyone that is taking medicine they need to not kill themselves or anyone else. Just let me know.

When Was The Last Time You Had Sex?

Not how big the dick was or anything specific like that. But when was the last time you fucked someone. I know it sounds like a very personal question, but come the hell on. This is someone you may be having the sex with and I don't know about you, but I don't want to jump in right after someone else just left. Let the room air out some. In my 20's? Him no care. I was a manwhore. But as an old ass man I care because booty cooties are real and some people just give it up way too easy to the wrong people. Treat your draws like your house. You don't just let anyone in, right?

Plus I need to know that you don't have a lot of options. Sorry, but its the truth. I want to know that if this don't work that you can't just make a call and get some ass elsewhere from a friend (meaning ex boyfriend). Not to say that I don't trust an ex boyfriend talking to who I am seeing but I need to meet him at some point and size his ass see if we look similar.

Why Do Your Relationships End?

I have been warned early in some relationships why it would end and sure enough that's what happened. The last girl I saw laid it all out, lets say in three steps. I got away at step two because step three would've ended with one of us in jail. There's a story attached to that last sentence. Let's just say I have never been arrested. If you say your relationships end because your last boyfriend never wanted to go out then I wont waste your time. If he didn't get along with his family I'll excuse myself. If it was because he didn't fight/argue with you then I am definitely the wrong guy and wasting both of our time.

I'm not gonna sit here and act like I'm completely innocent in why my relationships have ended. I'm not perfect yet I am simultaneously the greatest man that ever lived. Its weird. I can say that a couple ended because of miscommunication. Sometimes I spend time trying to figure out why someone is upset instead of just asking. One because of Jesus' punk ass. Another because of distance. I won't go further than that because then I am in my 20's and don't know shit about shit compared to now. I just want to know if there is some consistency to why they ended and compare myself to them. This goes for friends too. If all your friendships ended because they used, betrayal, or a huge fight then chances are the problem may be you.

How Do You Handle Stress?

This one is probably the most important. I can not deal with people that freak out over small things. I also don't want to be around someone that thinks that taking a swing at me is a good idea. Its not ever a good idea. How you handle stress says a lot about you as a person and I don't think people realize it. Do you storm off when someone disagrees with you? Do you start off shouting? Do you get upset and go drinking? Do you divert the conversation and bring up things from previous fights? Do you get high to avoid solving a problem?

I handle stress by trying to figure out what is stressing me out as quickly as possible. Know why? Because stressing out sucks and ruins my day. I don't want to come home to someone that stresses me out and I hope they feel the same way. I was in a relationship years ago where I dreaded coming home because after spending the day at a shitty job moving dead bodies I was going to have to deal with bullshit. I had no place to not be stressed except the ride to and from work. And I was miserable. I was not good creatively or as a friend to people during that time because I couldn't get leveled. No one wants to be stressed out but sometimes we grew up that way and start to think that's a normal way to live. Its not and its also the cause of your heart getting so stressed out that it explodes out of your chest at young ages.


Sort of Camille said...

Hell Yeah! Black Power.

chloe Neuman said...

I never realized there are actual living, breathing men out there (with a pulse) who have this type of insight. Quick, ladies, let's jump him so we can clone his DNA before he gets away!

Dante said...

I really think a lot of guys think the way I do but keep quiet because saying this kind of stuff chases women away. I'm proof of that.