Saturday, May 27, 2017

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 3 of 3

Mom, Milly in my old highchair, and I sit down and she tries to give Milly a carrot. Milly stares at it the way a cat does a cucumber. It's weird sitting with my mom and a little baby that belongs to me. It's insane actually. A baby came from my penis. My penis! Isn't that mind-blowing?! I know she came from Ronica's innards but still. She started here. Milly finally accepts the carrot from my mom and stares at it, squinting.

“What is she doing?” mom asks.

“I think she is trying to use heat vision” I say.

“Does she have heat vision?” she asks and leans back a few inches.

“Not that I'm aware of” I say. “If she gets heat vision I'm gonna be super pissed. I've always wanted heat vision.”

“No, you always wanted to brown note people which I'll never understand” she tells me.

“You know how cool it would be to make people poop themselves?” I ask her.

“You've told me...”

“Just think about it! Like, what if Batman showed up and instead of throwing things at the bad guys he just hummed and they just started spraying all over the place!”

“That sounds terrible” she says. “Where's the carrot?”

“Teleportation!” I shout. Milly laughs and claps her hands.

“Or she ate it” mom says. She squeezes Milly's cheeks and carrot oozes out. “Mary, come on...” she says and wipes her chin.

“Clum mon...” Milly says.

“Is she mocking me?” mom asks.

“I think she is trying to talk” I say. “She mostly mutters and laughs at Ronica.”

“Wonder who she gets that from? Oh, I almost forgot. Christine came by the other day.”

“Ugh...” I say. Milly tries to imitate me. “That woman is the devil.”

“She's a fine young lady now” mom says. “She just wondered if you'd been by and wanted to say hello.”

“Christine is a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm” I say. “Remember how she treated me? Broke my heart!” Milly laughs. “She didn't want to be my Valentine's!”

“She has the right to do that” she says. I point to my face. “Yes, you were a cute kid but still. That boy Raul had a ponytail.”

“And what is Raul the Ghoul doing now?” I ask. “I'll tell you! He just started working at Subway!”

“How do you know that?”

“What's with all these questions?! I'm just saying that Christine made the wrong choice that day. She could be in Ronica's shoes right now.”

“Mum ma...” Milly says.

“That's right!” I say. “She could have been your mama love. But she not. And she isn't as cute as your mama. Your mama fly.” Milly starts to float out of her chair but thankfully mom remembered to tether her down.

“She is a cute young lady now” mom says and removes her phone and shows me a selfie they took together. “See?”

“She a-ight” I say. “But look at Ronica!” I say and show her my phone.

“Why does she look terrified?” she asks.

“Oh, that was when I took all of us on a surprise skydiving trip” I say. “This picture is better.”

“Surprise skydiving?”

“Yeah” I say. “It's that thing where you pack a car full of people, preferably a convertible, disable the seat belts, and then fly up high and flip it upside down.” Mom just stares at me. “It's more fun than I'm making it sound.”

“I bet it is” she says. “What else are you and Milly planning today?”

“Thinking of seeing how she reacts to space” I say. “After that go grab Toro and bring him back to my place for dinner. He wants to train with me. He likes that he can hit me as hard as possible and I can't feel it.” Milly whines and reaches for mom. Mom picks her up and blows into her neck making her squeal. Milly tends to keep her powers in check around mom. “You're like some kinda superhero whisperer.”

“With you two as my only clients” she says.

“Only two you need” I say. “Look at us. Aren't we perfect?”

“Yes, she is.”

“I said...”

“...yes, she is.”

“This is child abuse.”

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