Not A Fan Of Superman

Growing up I was never a huge fan of Superman in comic book or film form. I was a Batman kinda kid. Till this day this is the way I think. As I got older I realized that there were many reasons why I had problems with this guy. His costume surprisingly isn’t one of them. Since I am pretty much done covering DC’s 52 I have decided that this blog will cover anything regarding comic book related information like movies, games, old comic books, and me just bitching about whatever I want. Like Superman who really isn’t that super when it comes down to it.

Heat Vision/Ice Breath. Superman has lots of powers. Lets start with his heat vision. This is a very cool power to have…if he ever used it. Years ago when I read The Death of Superman (spoiler alert!) and he fought Doomsday he didn’t bust out this ability until minutes before dying. If he thought about it for a second he would’ve just burned this crazy bastard to death and saved us all from the dozens of shitty Supermen that came out afterwards. Could you imagine being able to look at something and burn it?! Villains wouldn’t even know that I had the ability to punch I’d be using it so much.

Or you could use it to cook souffles.

How often does Supes use the ice breath? Not never. He used it in the movie to freeze a lake and put out a fire. Would have been easier to just swoop down and yank the flames into the sky or use ice breath to freeze it. God forbid you were in that lake when he decided to kill all the wildlife in it to put out that fire making the firemen all but useless at their jobs. Or to freeze a tank that was about to explode. I don’t even think that would work. Superman uses his powers like a child would. “That forest is burning! Better freeze this lake and fly it over the flames!” Really, dude?

Bullet Proof. It feels stupid to even point out the fact that Superman is bulletproof. If you fire a bullet at him you have to have heard of him. “Hey, you see that time Superman flew into a flaming building? How about that time that tank hit him and he didn’t flinch?” This still doesn’t stop people from firing at him using all their ammunition. And then…? Throw their gun at him. Superman needed to hold a press conference and have a cop firing a gun point blank into his face, turning towards the camera, and saying “This is what the fuck I do.” Crime should have ended the day Superman arrived. But it didn’t. because Superman doesn’t think. I wouldn't even have to see this happen to believe it because I live on Earth and I know that there is a creature that is the leader of a bunch of other creatures, gods, aliens, and super powered humans and if he tells me that he can be shot in the face and not blink I'm gonna believe him.

Super Strength/Speed. When you think of Superman the first image you have is his costume followed by thinking of his powers. Retard Strength doesn’t even begin to describe the amount of power this guy has. He has beaten enemies that have conquered planets. There is a move called The Superman Punch! Again, use the press conference example but switch getting shot in the face with flicking a car with his finger and looking into the camera and saying “This is your face in my dreams.”

"Shoryuken!!!"

Superman turned back time once to save a woman who was a 2 out of 10 by using his speed. People always argue over who is faster: The Flash or Superman? Flash disappears when he runs too fast. Superman alters reality. No one should even be able to pull a weapon out on him. As soon as they reach for one their face should be gone either with a punch or a laser from his eyes. As soon as a super villain opened their mouth to monologue Superman needed to be wearing their body as a sleeve with their asshole somewhere around his wrist. Look at that picture. Superman is so fast he dunked on four men during a basketball game. Not just four men. Two of them were BLACK men!!!

Secret Identity. Picture someone walking into your room wearing glasses. Now imagine him leaving and coming back seconds later wearing a costume with his glasses in his pocket. Would you have trouble identifying him? Nope. Clark Kent is not a great identity. If you had all the powers he had you would try and use it to better the world. Not be a reporter. Speaking of which since he is the on the frontline between information coming in and then reaching the masses, why is he always shocked when shit happens? You're not allowed to be surprised by anything Mr. Superhearing! Clark Kent is so stupid that even Superman hates him.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRDDDDSSSS!!!"

Not Evil Enough. Yeah, I know he landed in Smallville, Kansas and was raised by some nice old people who grew corn. But imagine if he had landed in Gotham City. He would be far more proactive and have the ruthlessness needed to stop crime on Earth. He should have the entire planet afraid to do shit. Lex Luthor assumes that this is gonna happen one day so he’s like “Look. This dude is from another planet and can do things we can only dream of. One day he’s gonna wreck our shit. How about I stop him before that happens? Huh? I’m the bad guy?!” Superman has only lost his shit a couple times and it was when he was almost dead or about to die. I don’t think he has the power inside to truly rid the world of evil. Just stop it long enough to write an article.