Kid Uses Mothers Gun For Robbery

Ooh, some parents are shitty. Like, super shitty. In Florida this 8 year old boy stole his mothers gun and tried to rob a store. How did the kid get the gun? He just took it right out of her goddamn purse. She says he wanted to go to the park last Wednesday night. The fuck? You just let your kids go to parks at night? Your 8 year old kid?!

Only In Florida 4

Crime in Miami is tired of attacking people the good old fashioned way. Fists? What is this? 1998?! Its all about smacking folks with penis now. During a home invasion robbery a 31 year old woman was slapped by a dick when she refused to fork over cash. This all started when her father in law opened the door at 3am and the criminals forced their way in. Wait. What?

First off, if someone is knocking on my door at 3 in the morning they are wasting their time. They can be screaming about free cookies and I'm still not opening the door. Second, why is a 31 one year old staying with their father in law? It ain't the holidays! This is all weird. Oh, wait. Florida. Nevermind. Got it. So these two guys come in, get past this ineffective dude, and aim a gun at the woman's head and scream “Bitch, where is the money?!”

Shit Just Got Real 10

Heather sent me this story where there is video showing a bus robbery taking place. Well, it kinda sorta did. On a Seattle Metro bus 19 year old Trevonnte Brown (these names, these names...) put on a nylon mask because he must've just watched a film about crimes in the 1960's and decided that it would be a great idea to start stealing shit from people.

So here he is with his gun and walking up to passengers snatching their cell phones from them. What bothers me besides the fact that a person needs only one phone, two at most so there's no need to be taking so many, is that people are fucking oblivious to what is happening around them. I have never been surprised by something happening suddenly on the bus because I get into full meerkat mode when I'm on it. Nothing is getting past me unnoticed!

I see you, bitch!

Everyone is just like “Oh, la la la! I'm on the bus and its just me there is no one else in the world but me and who I am talking to on the phone!” Asshats. So he is just walking down the aisle and taking shit. And since there is sound I know that people were fine with having their shit taken because no one was like “This muthafucka is phone snatchin'!” Nope. They jut laid there and took it like dirty, dirty whores. Oh, you like that, don't you? Yeah. Just take it.

Kids These Days 15

Remember when we were little and kids would steal things like toys, candy, or baseball cards? Well, them’s the old days! Kids are now stealing condoms and candy at knife point! Three 13 year old jackasses were arrested for robbing a Walgreen’s in Wisconsin because when you’re 13 condoms are very important. You would’ve given me a condom when I was 13 that shit would’ve been dust by the time I got to use it. For real. Dust.

The manager saw these assholes stealing candy and when he went to confront them, which cops say to never do but as someone who worked retail and confronted thieves is fucking fun, and when he said something they threw a $15 box of condoms at him and brandished knives. $15?! Damn. Were they Louis Vuitton condoms?! Anyhoot, they screamed at him “Don’t you call the fucking police!” because that always works. The cops caught them and they all had steak knives. Here’s a composite sketch.