Only In Florida 4

Crime in Miami is tired of attacking people the good old fashioned way. Fists? What is this? 1998?! Its all about smacking folks with penis now. During a home invasion robbery a 31 year old woman was slapped by a dick when she refused to fork over cash. This all started when her father in law opened the door at 3am and the criminals forced their way in. Wait. What?

First off, if someone is knocking on my door at 3 in the morning they are wasting their time. They can be screaming about free cookies and I'm still not opening the door. Second, why is a 31 one year old staying with their father in law? It ain't the holidays! This is all weird. Oh, wait. Florida. Nevermind. Got it. So these two guys come in, get past this ineffective dude, and aim a gun at the woman's head and scream “Bitch, where is the money?!”

Like this but with real penis.

She told him that she didn't have any as he continued to shout at her and slap her with his dick. Look. If you even imply that you're going to put your dick on me I will give you anything you ask for. Being slapped with a dick is a story I can go the rest of my life not having. And who slaps someone with their dick...uninvited? Come on now. We're all adults. We've all been asked or asked for it to happen. If you haven't you're probably too young to be reading this or far less adventurous than me which is sad because I'm about as exciting as an episode of Smurfs.

After realizing that his dick wasn't gonna make this woman give up the money he and his buddy stole a couple of TV's and bailed. The police are now looking for the guys. Good luck. If you're a guy with a TV and dick chances are you're on the police radar. The lady who got dick slapped thinks the crooks saw her coming from the bank which means that she totally lied! She had money! Maybe the guy didn't have an imposing dick. Like, if he whipped out some Lexington Steele level cockage she would've been like “Oh, you can take anything you want! ANYTHING!” Seriously, this guys dick was so not a threat that no one has even mentioned any form of sexual assault with this case. Ass grabbing is considered sexual assault. But not slapping people with a cute penis. Go figure.

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