"The Vitruvian Man" Part 3 of 5

“It’s only the masters that matter. Those who create.” Pablo Picasso

You hear it every time someone makes a huge mistake. In every film or book when something terrible has taken place and the fear grips you a single sentence or remorse escapes your lips.

“What have I done?”

None of us have the chance to say it aloud but I know it is what we are all thinking. The guards rush into the room just as Victor frees himself. One guard dives at Victor only to be caught mid-air by the throat. Victor tosses him aside as if he were but a sheet of paper. The sound of his neck snapping on impact causes us all to jump. Timms makes a run for the door and suddenly finds himself on his stomach with Victor on his back.

“Someone stop him!” Ripley shouts. Victor puts his fist through Timms head hard enough to dent the floor. He dies instantly. Jim grabs Dr. Rivers and I and pulls us to the other side of the room.

“This is exactly what I said would happen!” Jim says.

“Does it feel good to be right?” Dr. Rivers asks him.

“No” he replies.

Five more guards enter and dive on top of Victor. The begin to hit him with batons that contain electrical charges. Victor stands and the guards fly off of him like children atop a giant. He takes on of the batons and looks at it as if he has never seen such a thing. Actually, he has not. He pokes at his hand with it and seems confused. He then pokes one of the guards with it who begins to scream. You can almost smell the pieces of the puzzle being put together in his mind. He is understanding pain.

One of the guards grabs Victor from behind. Victor begins to leave the room while dragging the guard. A moment later a head is tossed into the room. Dr. K’Malan crosses himself as sirens begin to blare throughout the building. Dr. Pruet walks over to the head and bends down, only inches from it.

“He’s dead” she says.

“You think?!” Ripley shouts. “Are there anymore guards?!” A voice booms over speakers that can not be seen.

“Do not panic. There is no need to panic. Exit in an orderly manner. Do not use the elevators. Use the stairs conveniently located on the south east corridors. Again, there is no need to panic. Thank you.”

“Fucking hell” Jim says. “Where are The Big Heads now? They’re the ones that caused this shit! They torture someone and do nothing when he loses his mind and attacks us!”

We all rush to the door just as the computer told us. Like good little lambs to the slaughter. We get there and the door will not open. We all pound on it. Nothing happens.

“Do not panic.”

“Shut up!’ Dr. Rivers shouts.

We try to pry the door open to no avail. Just then we hear a scream and turn just in time to see Victor holding a torso in one hand and an arm in the other. They do not belong to the same person.

“Do not panic.”

“Victor, there is no need for this bloodshed” I say. “You do not have to turn into a monster.”

“Monster” Victor says. “’An imaginary creature usually having various human and animal parts. Giant: someone or something that is abnormally large and powerful. Freak: a person or animal that is markedly unusual or deformed. A cruel wicked and inhuman person.’” He drops the body parts and ponders for a moment. “I am not imaginary. I am strong though. Not abnormal in any sense. Cruel. Am I cruel? ‘Disposed to inflict pain or suffering.’ No, not cruel. I am just…am.”

“No, Victor” Dr. Rivers says. “You were meant for so much more than this.”

“Was I?” he asks. “I was just alive. You all brought me pain. It took a moment for me to figure out what pain was. ‘Suffering or distress.’ Yes. I was suffering. I was in distress. I had no need to feel these things. You made me. I was what you would call content. I was what I was. I was am.” He stops for a moment and looks at the blood on his hands. “Blood. Do I contain this?”

“Yes” I tell him and take a step forward. Jim grabs my arm and I pull free. “Victor, please just calm down and…”

“I am calm” he says. “’Not excited or agitated; composed.’ I am these things. What is a Victor?”

“Your name” I say.

“What does it mean?” he asks.

“Champion” Jim says.

“Champion of…?” Victor asks.

“Nothing” Ripley says. “Now just stay right there and let the guards lead you away. Everything will be fine.”

“Your heart is racing” Victor says to Ripley. “Why?”

“Because he’s afraid of you” Dr. K’Malan says.

“Why?” he asks.

“You’re covered in blood!” Jim screams. “My, God! Look at you! You shouldn’t even exist! You were created in a lab!”

“Explain” Victor says.

“I’d really rather not” Jim says. “Look. You were not born like the rest of us.”

“Explain…”

"The Vitruvian Man" Part 2 of 5

“What really interests me is whether or not God had any choice in the creation of the world.” - Albert Einstein

“Close to one billion dollars have been spent creating this creature. I refuse to wait another day while the two of you attempt to get it to speak. He has enjoyed a charmed life thus far. No more. Pain. It has never experienced pain. Let us see if he will speak with 2000 volts of electricity coursing through his body. Now get started. Now.”

And that was the end of it. The Big Heads have decided that Victor must be tortured in an attempt to make him speak. Dr. Rivers and I leave and do not say a word until we are back in my office. Dr. Rivers sits again on the edge of my desk and stares at my wall which is covered in plaques. Jim enters the room without knocking.

“So?” he asks.

“We torture the worlds first perfect man” Dr. Rivers says.

“Oh, bullshit!” Jim shouts. “Why in the hell do they want to torture the guy? He hasn’t done anything!”

“That is the problem” I say. “If he would have at least yawned this would not be happening. They want us to electrocute him.”

“This is gonna end bad” Jim says. “Have they never seen a horror movie? You make a creature and mess with him and you know what happens next? He fucking loses his mind and kills everyone! Its Frankenstein! I’m not doing this!”

“Yes, you are” Dr. Rivers says. “You do not have a choice. Do I even need to remind you of what happened to Tammy?”

“Jesus…” I moan.

Tammy aka Dr. Tamara Rhodes aka She Who Shall Not Be Mentioned was a researcher early in the program. She was a team player. All for making the perfect human. But the day she heard his first heartbeat she decided that we were wrong and should not play God. No one knows what happened to her. There was no explanation given from The Big Heads. No one bothered to ask. There are rumors that she is in a petri dish on Level 6. Some say she was dissected and will be used as the prototype for the next experiment. I would rather not think about Tammy.

The next day the three of us are seated across from Victor. For the past two hours we have done everything possible to make him respond to us. Jim even tried to convince Dr. Rivers to flash him. For a moment I believed that she would. Anything to keep us from having to torture this man. There is a beep and the door slides open. Ripley and Timms enter.

“Is he ready?” Ripley asks.

“To have his fucking brain fried?” Jim asks. “Sure. You bet he is! Look at how excited he is! Hey, V-Man! You ready to feel terrible for the first time in your life?!” Victor just stares at him and then at Ripley.

“Creepy son of a bitch” Timms says. “Get him in these” he says and tosses a pair of black pants and a white shirt. “Guys upstairs say this will keep him from, you know, bursting into flames or whatever.”

“’Or whatever’” Dr. Rivers says. “How very professional of you.”

“Have you gained weight?” Timms asks Dr. Rivers.

“Yes, I have” she replies. “I am carrying around the extra money I make. Twice as much as you the last time I checked.”

“Enough” Ripley says. “Let’s get this over with.”

Half an hour later we are in a room with eight chairs but only one looks like it was made to hurt. All of us are here to see this, even Jim. Seated in the front are Dr. Rivers, Ripley, me, and Dr. Pruet. In the second row is Jim, Timms, and Dr. K’Malan. Victor is brought in by security that never speak, never run, and never show their faces. I wonder how much they even know about this program. For all they know we are a bunch of fetish afficianados about to watch a one man show. Victor does not resist.

They place him in the chair and place thick straps around his ankles, wrists, torso, around his waist, and neck. He does not resist. A slight hum is heard and a large spike emerges behind Victor’s head. The guards leave quietly. I can feel Dr. Rivers tense next to me.

“Je ne te quitterai point que je ne t'aie vu pendu” Dr. K’Malan says. “I pray we are doing the right thing.”

“What he say?” Ripley asks.

“’I will not leave you until I have seen you hanged’” Dr. Rivers says. “From Jean Baptiste Poquelin Moliere.” She turns to face Dr. K’Malan. “As far as praying goes, I think that prayer and God cease to exist once we put on our lab coats.”

“Oh, get over yourself” Timms says. “God never made a perfect man. We did. I mean, maybe he did. But you see how that ended.”

“Apparently being perfect gets you nailed to a cross” Jim says. “Or Kentucky fried.”

Another low hum quiets everyone. The large spike crackles with electricity before stabbing Victor in the back of his neck. He does not scream. But a new expression crosses his face. One we have not seen in him before.

Confusion.

The spike emerges lightly dripping spinal fluid and blood. Victor looks at us as if to ask, “Why are you not helping me?” The spike enters once again. This time Victor gasps. Dr. Rivers grabs my hand for a moment before releasing it. The spike emerges and once again stabs at Victor. He opens his mouth wide in a silent scream.

“Say something, you fool” I whisper to myself. Blood runs down his shoulders, staining his blonde hair. His crystal blur eyes search the room for something he can not ask for. Help. “How much longer must this go on?” I ask.

“Until he says something” Timms says.

“He is in too much pain to speak now” Dr. Pruet says. She is the newest member of the research team and also the youngest. When she speaks it is low, direct, and definite. There is never a trace of emotion in her voice or reactions. I turn to see her simply watching Victor being tortured as if she were watching an ant crawling amongst spilled sugar. “He’ll be dead in minutes unless he says something.”

The spike enters once again, this time a stream of blood springs from Victor’s neck, causing Jim to gasp. I watch him attempt to rise from his chair and then the sound of his rear end being slammed back in place. No doubt by Timms. Victor’s hands clenched as the spike penetrates his skin sending thousands of volts of electricity into his body.

“Is this what it was like for God to watch His son die?” Dr. Rivers asks.

“No” I respond. “God knew what would happen to his child the moment He was created. None of us could have foreseen this.” Victor gasps once again, this time blood issuing from his mouth. “That is enough!” I shout.

Victor’s hands relax as the spike is drawn from his neck. Blood trickles from the corners of his mouth. His entire body goes limp. The room is silent. None of us stand. None of us check to see whether or not Victor is still alive.

“Back to the drawing board” Timms says as he stands to leave. He stops when a sound comes from Victor. He is alive!

“D…d…d…d…d…” he says lightly. We all stand and listen to him. “D…”

“What is he saying?” Jim asks.

“D…d…d…d…”

“Something about ‘D’” Ripley whispers. “I can’t tell.”

“D…d…d…”

“Where in the hell are those guards?” Dr. Rivers asks.

“D…d…”

“Or at least the medics” Jim says. “Okay, guys! You got what you wanted! He’s speaking! Now get him some damned help!”

“D…”

“Say it!” I shout.

“Death.”

Story Behind The Photo 3

Meet my lovely lady. Back in 97’ or 98’ when I was still thin, couldn’t really grow good facial hair, and was in a magically delicious relationship, I went to Halloween Haunt at Universal Studios for Halloween. I didn’t go on Halloween but around the time. I went with my ex and a few other friends and had a great time. This evening proved that if I think that I’m in danger “Women and children first!” goes right out the goddamn window! If you were in between me and an exit when I’m being chased you’re nothing but an object keeping me from safety.

When we got there they immediately start chasing your ass. Yeah, I got on some rides and stuff but I’ll be damned if I didn’t spend the entire night running from monsters, killer clowns, and dudes chasing you with chainsaws. Big, loud ass chainsaws. My friends and I ended up in a maze and as soon as it started I took the fuck off! I was using my friends purses as a way to pull them behind me so I could pass them. I ended up running full speed into a wall, bounced off, and kept going. If that wall was any thinner I would have plowed right through that shit.

Justice League Dark, Voodoo, Savage Hawkman Issue 1

Mr. Soot tied an issue of Batman to a string and pulled it down the hallway leading out of my cell. Like an idiot of course I chased it down. Next thing I know a net falls on my head and he’s laughing his ass off. “This is getting too easy…” he said as he threw another pile of DC 52’s at me to review.

Justice League Dark

If you take anything away from this issue its that Shade The Changing Man is one of the coolest characters that you may never of heard of! The story starts off with this young girl wandering around not knowing where she is and mumbling to herself. She walks into a place and she looks on the TV and there is a freeway full of “hers” being hit by cars and dying. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg head to a place where magic is happening and get wrecked by teeth. Flying teeth. Batman decides that he and Zatanna should help out and she binds him with parts of the Batcave.

Shade makes an appearance and if you don’t know his history (which many don’t) the scene he has with his girlfriend is damn near heartbreaking. In London Constantine is being messed with magically. Madam Xanadu is seeing a future where everyone is lying in a pile of dead bodies. Aah! Aah! Aah!

This was a very cool issue and I would love to see where it goes. Bringing these characters, Deadman will make an appearance, together is a very great idea. Justice League Dark had great art and a cool story. Did I mention they brought Shade The Changing Man?! You all have no idea how much I like this guy. Do some research on him.

Voodoo

I know the character Voodoo aka Priscilla Kitaen from old Image Comics WildCATS which is known for having one of the worst cartoon theme songs ever written. Seriously. Look it up. Your eyes and ears will poop. I remember this splash page from the 90’s of her and it was one of the hottest drawings ever. What did Voodoo do? I have no clue. She was just some hot mixed chick that barely wore anything. Except on the friggin’ cartoon where they put her in a bodysuit! Okay. I need to settle down.

Voodoo is stripping at a club and the first image we get of her is on all fours as guys are “making it rain” around her. Look it up. Two undercover agents are watching her, the guy more than the other, and requests a private dance from her. His partner goes outside and whips some guys asses for trying to teach her some respect. The agent that is getting the lap dance (no sex in the champagne room) and lets Voodoo know that he knows that she may be an alien and that if she doesn’t turn herself in she will be dissected. She then turns into a monster and rips him open. Moments later she quits her job and the guy walks out okay.

I guess this is cool if you wanna look at a hot drawing and don’t know that Jessica Rabbit exists. It wasn’t bad or anything but there was nothing that made me want to pick this up ever again and feel like I really missed out on anything. It didn’t even feel like it was part of the DC Universe.

Savage Hawkman

I know nothing about Hawkman except his costume reminds me of something from an old Hanna Barbara cartoon. This issue starts with him burning his costume in a forest. It explodes and he wakes up back home and burned. A team finds some alien wreckage and brings it for examination. Bored yet? He heads to check out the ship and suddenly an alien inside of it comes to life and starts wreaking havoc. Hawkman all of a sudden transforms as if his costume is now in his body instead of him putting it on. I love how the costume is like “Eff you for trying to destroy me!” He fights the main alien and it absorbs his Nth metal armor.

Not a very good issue. The art was fine but the story was super rushed and felt like an action film where a lot happened but made me feel as if I had no emotional investment in it. Who cares about hawk man after reading this? Its like they did it to please people who thought his costume was silly and decided to make it appear rather than put it on.

Dark Knight, Flash, Firestorm, Green Lantern New Guardians Issue 1

There are two things me and Mr. Soot agree on. That last issue is Superman was terrible and honey badgers don’t give a shit. After a spirited discussion at the wonder we have with DC’s decision to let certain comics not only get made, but get made so terribly. Its now time to write about some comics. Lets hope they’re better than the last batch!

Batman The Dark Knight

This issue went back and forth in terms of what was good and what was bad about it. I liked the fact that they are making Bruce Wayne an interesting character. He is still trying to make Gotham City a better place. A police officer confronts him and accuses him of funding Batman, which if you think about it for a moment makes perfect sense and I’m glad they’re going in this direction. We even get to see Batman get his flirt on!

There is a riot at Arkham Asylum and I kinda had trouble figuring out who was who. The cops are getting their asses handed to them and Batman shows up to help. He starts head butting and kicking people in the face and they cant figure out why more than 300 of the most dangerous criminals got free all at once. This is okay. The issue jumps the shark when Batman finds Two-Face and he is the size of The Incredible Hulk and he screams that his name is now One-Face. Uh…yeah.

I like Batman and all but this issue was just too all over the place. If they had focused on just Bruce Wayne and the investigation into his life and funding Batman that would’ve been cool. Taking a character that and turning him into a monster (which I hate as much as fire monsters but not as much as smoke monsters).

The Flash

Never been a huge fan of Flash comics. The power to run fast never really appealed to me. I did begin to like him in the cartoons but never enough to call myself a fan. This issue may have changed that. While Barry Allen aka The Flash is at a party for science folk and some guys rob the place. Barry transforms into The Flash and whips their asses while being funny at the same time (take notes Kid Flash). One of the criminals ends up getting killed is someone Barry knew when he was younger. Oh, and The Flash gets accused of murder. This was a fun and interesting issue, especially the way it ends. I’m intrigued enough to check out the next issue. Truly shocking.

The Fury of Firestorm

I know who Firestorm is…vaguely. This issue starts with a family being tortured and murdered. So not a kid book? A star high school football player Ronnie is interviewed by Jason and Ronnie gets accused of being racist. He later asks his mother why he has no Black friends while Jason feels bad for even bringing race up. That killer team shows up at the school looking for the Firestorm formula which Jason admits to having and takes turning into Firestorm and blowing a lot of the school up in the process. Ronnie also turns into a Firestorm and they start fighting which is rather silly. It ends with them combining into some big ass fire guy named Fury. I hate characters combining almost as much as I hate fire creatures and…you know the rest. Cool art but the story was very meh.

Green Lantern New Guardians

Kyle Rayner is probably my least favorite Green Lantern but that may change if this series keeps the pace its at from this first issue. A Guardian creates a new ring and sends it to Earth to find a bearer. Kyle is at a bar sketching the waitress so he can leave it as a tip since he is broke. He heads outside to use the bathroom and the Guardian gives him the ring and they start flying away. With his artistic abilities he makes a great natural Lantern. All over the universe Lanterns of every color are being stripped of their rings and dying.

Later after Kyle saves a construction worker and a kid makes fun of his outfit, all the rings that left their owners start floating at him and announcing his name out loud (which is a very funny moment) and wanting him to wear it. The surviving former ring bearers arrive and want to attack Kyle for “stealing” their rings. This was a cool issue and I would definitely check out the next one.

Superman, Teen Titans, All Star Western, Black Hawks Issue 1

I refuse to go back to sleep ever again. Mr. Soot thought it would be funny to place another issue of DC’s 52 on my face while I slept. There are a lot this week and some of them make me question the people in charge of decision making. Some of these characters just don’t deserve their own comics. Seriously. Were you clamoring for a Black Hawks comic? Yeah. That’s what I thought. I’m getting ahead of myself.

Superman

Everyone knows who Superman is. He is the single most popular character ever created in comics and known around the world. He is literally the biggest super character in history. So I have to ask myself: Why did he get the crappiest issue one? I mean…wow. This is a real stinker. I cant imagine he is hard to write. He flies, shoots heat out his eyes, ice breath, super strong, and bad at disguise. Simple. So why the long boring ass introduction?

We get Superman sulking (a new power apparently) because The Daily Planet is demolished and a new one is built. They are also getting rid of the paper and going to TV and internet. He ends up fighting a fire creature. I hate fire creatures almost as much as I hate smoke monsters. He beats it after sending it into space. Later Clark Kent goes by Lois Lane’s place and she is sleeping with some other reporter. The issue ends with more sulking.

This issue was the one splashed across the TV, internet, and papers. So why did they make it the most boring ass one? I love reading but Jesus, this starts as being way too wordy. I don’t care about the history of The Daily Planet whatsoever. I almost stopped reading this one. It was just dull.

Teen Titans

Does DC have a problem writing teams that don’t have the word “Justice” or “Suicide” in the front? There are a lot of teen Metahumans floating around and jacking stuff up. This issue features Kid Flash botching a burning building rescue. He isn’t likable like he is on the cartoon of the same name. Red Robin has his home invaded and gets away by flying. When the hell did he get wings?! Wonder Girl gets rescued by Red Robin after stealing a car and taking down a helicopter.

The issue ends with a tie in to the awesome Superboy comic. Damn it! The story was way rushed and the art was strange. The teens looked like weird ass adults. For being so mart they have Red Robin (I hate that name) act more like Jason Todd in his recklessness. Wonder Girl, who hates that name, doesn't tell him what to call her instead. Kid Flash is a dick.

All Star Western

Jonah Hex. Know him? I don’t either. He’s a cowboy with a scar. I know he had a movie I couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes. If this comic was a film I would have left the theater. In old Gotham hookers are being killed. Hex and a dweeb go around trying to find information about the killer. What I mean by find information is Hex goes around beating people up and being an unlikable character. A hooker that gives him information dies and he sees that all the powerful men in Gotham have the same ring as the alleged killer. I just didn’t care for this issue. This didn’t sell me on Jonah Hex or make me care to figure out how it ends.

Black Hawks

Bombs. Fighting. Biting. Secret agents. Cell phone cameras. Chick gets infected. There. That’s the entire issue. A bunch of characters that would be background victims get their own comic for some reason. DC, you cant have a cell phone picture ruin something that’s supposed to be super secret in two of your debuts (as they did in Red Hood’s comic). This comic didn’t need to be written or drawn. Its just nonsense. DC cant afford to put crap like this out.

Story Behind The Photo 2

Back when I was around 13 and getting ready to get fat again my parents decided that it would be a good idea to move to 78th Street mere minutes away from where the L.A Riots began. At least it was after they happened. During this time I had my first in person girlfriend. My first two were over the phone. Don’t ask. Anyhoot, my girlfriend had a working Nintendo and let me borrow it since she had it in storage and never played it. That smile on my face is real and I have no idea who took this picture.

I would sit in that ugly brown chair (which would jackknife my father every week when he leaned back too far) and play video games and make lanyards for hours. On top of that TV is one of many two foot long lanyards I would make. How I don’t have arthritis I will never know.

Rosscast Episode 240: Deaf Penalty

In this episode I talk about the Michael Jackson murder trial, what I don’t discuss with strangers, an update about a dude beating off in someone’s yogurt, a Bitches Be Crazy featuring sex being denied, and Only In Florida with lesbians throwing sex toys. Click here to download this episode and here for past episodes.

"The Vitruvian Man" Part 1 of 5

“If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent Him.” - Voltaire

“What is your name?” I ask him. He just stares at me. A cold, icy stare. If I were a religious man I would say he appeared to have no soul. But alas, I am not a religious man. Though born Catholic I have long since renounced my faith. I have found it quite difficult to believe in God when I have done what he has.

Created man.

“Do you know where you are? How old you are?” He continues to just stare at me. As I pace the room his eyes follow me. He rarely blinks. His eyes have been engineered containing an overly adequate amount of tear ducts thereby eliminating the need to blink often. I find it creepy. “You are allowed to speak freely.”

His nostrils flare slightly. Someone must be approaching. Sure enough, my assistant Shane Rivers enters the lab. Lab. Amusing. This is as much a lab as an alley is an emergency room. This is not a lab. This is the Disneyworld of science. Floor Negative 18. Level 37 security clearance. Only fifteen know of its existence and just seven of them are allowed inside.

“Dr. Black” Rivers says. Its more of an acknowledgement of my existence in the room than a greeting. Rivers has always rubbed many of our colleagues the wrong way. Very self assured, arrogant, and attractive. “Has he spoken today?”

“Yes” I tell her flatly. She knows he has not spoken. In the four weeks he has existed he has yet to say a word. Multiple examinations have been completed and they all showed that he indeed has vocal cords that work perfectly. Beyond perfectly. I should know. I made them. “Just before you arrived he and I were discussing the current political climate. I am under the suspicion that he is a very right wing conservatist.”

“I see you have yet to solve the riddle of the humor gene” she says and sits down across from our “child.” Rivers picks up a clipboard and flips through a few pages. “How are you doing today?” she asks him. He just stares at her. I have suggested she flirt with him if for any reason that I would find it humorous. “When are we going to name him?” she asks me.

“Soon hopefully” I tell her. “I am tired of referring to him as ‘him’, ‘it’, and ‘patient.’ Have you heard what Jim has started calling him?” Jim is another one of the researchers for the project. It took five years before I was able to not call him Dr. Roberts. His name is James but he prefers Jim.

“Oh, what wonderful name has Jim come up with?” Rivers asks while rolling her eyes.“

"'The Vitruvian Man’” I say. She places the clipboard on the table and looks at me.

“That actually is not half bad” she says. “Can we call you Vitruvian Man?” she asks him.

“It sounds odd” I say. “Maybe Victor?”

“Fine” Rivers sighs. She removes a small recorder from her coat pocket and speaks. “Patient from this point forward is to be referred to as Victor and the suggestion of Dr. Black and myself, Dr. Rivers.” She places the recorder back into her pocket. “Good day, Victor.” He just stares at her. “Perhaps it is his hearing.”

“No, I have checked already” I tell her. “I am beginning to think he is just rude.” After another half hour of attempting to coax Victor into speaking, Dr. Rivers and I leave him alone with whatever thoughts he has.
Near my office I hear Jim whistling further down the corridor. I attempt to quickly gather my keys and enter before being spotted. I fumble my keys and they crash to the ground sounding unbelievably loud in the silence.

“Hey, Blackie!” Jim shouts. “Any word from the V-Man?”

“None” I tell him. “And he is now named Victor.”

“Victor?” Jim asks with an expression on his face as if he just walked into an unpleasant smell. “Yeah, no. No, I don’t like that. Sounds too Russian.”

“Isn’t your wife Russian?” I ask him.

“Exactly!” he says and bullies his way into my office. He sits at my desk and places his feet on my desk.

“Were you raised by animals?” I ask him.

“No” he says. “New Yorkers.”

“Same difference” I say as I dodge a paperclip he tosses my way. I sit on my couch and sigh.

“Aw, what’s wrong?” Jim asks me.

“It’s Victor” I tell him. “I just do not understand why he refuses to speak. At this point he should be speaking in eighteen different languages. But all he will do is just look at us.”

“Have you asked Shane to flash her boobs to him?” he asks. “That would get me talking!”

“To a divorce lawyer maybe” I say. “Perhaps he just doesn’t have anything to say” Jim says. “Or he finds the two of you horribly boring. Either way it doesn’t matter. We’ve created the perfect man! Next we’ll make the perfect woman and then I can get out of this dump!”

“The perfect woman has already been made” I tell him.

“If you say Bettie Page again I swear I will build the perfect foot and shove it up your…” Jim begins to say before Dr. Rivers enters the room. “Hey, speaking of perfect women! Hello, Shane.”

“Jim” she says and sits on my desk with her back to Jim. I am sure he is staring at her lab coat covered backside. “The Big Heads have decided that they are not willing to wait for Victor to decide to begin speaking. They want us to force him to speak.”

“Force?” Jim and I both say.

“Yes, twins” she says.

“And how are we supposed to do that?” Jim asks.

“Torture” she says.

Story Behind The Photo 1

This is the image of a very happy man. A very drunk happy man. A very, very drunk happy man. It all started when my cousin Mala invited me to a friends birthday party. Since I am a No Factory the idea of hanging out with a bunch of people that I don’t know isn’t terribly exciting to me. I was ready to drop the Nope Bomb when she said that we’d be going to Medieval Times Dinner & Tournament. Yes, the place where there are fucking men in suits of armor and horses and weapons and you eat with your hands! Oh, don't act like the idea of holding a giant piece of meat in your hands doesn't excite you.

Batman, Supergirl Issue 1

Mr. Soot did place that device under my bed. It played “Goodbye Horses” over and over again by Q Lazarus. He thought it was funny until I decided to walk around the house Buffalo Bill style. He just threw a bottle of lotion at my head and sighed. Now back in my cell with laptop its time to write some DC 52 reviews.

                                                     Batman 1

I love Batman so much. Seriously. This guy is the best character ever created and has the best rogue gallery. It doesn’t hurt that dude is a psycho. For reals. When was the last time you saw Superman, Green Lantern, or anyone walk into a room and challenge some of his most dangerous enemies to a fight? Not never. But Batman does. Batman don’t give a shit.
He walks into Arkham Asylum facing guys like Clayface, Killer Croc, and Two-Face and just starts whipping their asses. All of a sudden he is tossed into Joker’s cell. Suddenly the most unlikely team since Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan start fighting together and beating the inmates. I was like “Oh, this is just stupid. Why is this happening?!” Later you find out that it was a disguise and Nightwing aka Dick Grayson was playing him.

Later Bruce Wayne, his punk ass son Damian, Dick, and Tim all get dressed for a fundraiser. Bruce has decided to start rebuilding Gotham City and taking pledges. By reading Commissioner Gordon’s lips using a new program (he also has this cool eye contact that brings the Batcave’s technology with him) and finds out someone was murdered. Batman meets up with Bullock and they find a guy stabbed to a wall. Batman places a cigar to a weird substance on the wall and it says “Bruce Wayne Will Die Tomorrow.” He sends DNA samples from the dead guys nails and it comes back saying it belongs to Jason Todd aka Red Hood aka Robin 2. Zombie bastard!

Story and art Scott Snyder and Greg Capaullo was great. This was one of my favorite issues so far from the DC Comics. The scene where Batman faces all those villains at the beginning looked so cool and the way Bruce Wayne is drawn he looks cool. He doesn’t look like an anonymous guy who happens to be Batman. Very well done.

Supergirl 1

Poor Supergirl has one of the most convoluted ass histories in the history of comics. Someone every few years comes along and changes her costume, clones her, makes her Superman’s cousin, the last Kryptonian. Just all over the place. So its no surprise that she wakes up in this issue not knowing where the hell she is. She hits Kansas and ends up in Siberia. I’m no gynecologist, someone that studies Earth, but that seems impossible. She is attacked by men in robot suits and whips their asses and discovers she has heat vision. She is about to kill a soldier until Superman shows up and stops her. If you pay attention you’ll see that some of the stuff she hears takes place in other issues.

I makes me a bit nervous that a lot of the heavy hitters are making appearances in these smaller comics. Its almost like they don’t think they have the ability to sale themselves. If I knew beforehand that Superman made an appearance at the end it wouldn’t have swayed me to get this issue. Supergirl, who is forever connected to the world’s most popular character, should be able to stand alone.

Story and art by Michael Green and Mike Johnson. The art is decent. The story could’ve been just half of the issue with the rest explaining more. Why does she already have a costume? Is she old enough for me to stare at her boobs? I don’t know and I’m not sure if I’m willing to stick around and find out.

Wonder Woman, Red Hood, Birds Of Prey Issue 1

Snuck into the kitchen to get something that I could trick my body into thinking was real food. Mr. Soot was sititng at the table with a device in front of him. “Did you know that the inventor of the lie detector was also the same man who created Wonder Woman?” he asked. I nodded yes. “Oh, this isn’t a lie detector. Just something I will place under your bed later.” And with that I ran back to my cell and started writing!

                                    Wonder Woman 1

I know all about Wonder Woman. Who doesn’t? She was once a little blob of clay. GUMBY!!! Wrong clay. The story starts with some god offering three hot chicks drinks and then scaring the hell out of them. In a barn in Virginia a hooded woman cuts a horses head clean off and then a demon something pops on out. The hell is going on?! Hermes, who is weird looking and blue, shows up at the woman who owns the barns home and tries to tell her that “they” have come for her child. He gets nailed with an arrow and tosses her a key that makes her vanish into panty wearing air.
This chick appears in Wonder Woman’s home while she is sleeping and nearly gets choked out. The girl gives her the key and they teleport back to the barn where Wonder Woman whips the demon horse things asses. She cuts one of their arms off. Hermes stumbles from the house dying and tells the women that the girl is pregnant by Zeus. Scandalous! Back with the guy and three chicks he hears what will happen with Zeus and a new child and promptly crisps the three dames.

Story and art by Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang. This issue wasn’t terrible but it didn’t exactly knock my socks off. I do like the fact that WW (that’s Wonder Woman for the cool kids) seems to fight more warrior-like and brutal. She doesn’t say a single word as she fights those horse demons. They try to hurt this girl and she just goes gorilla on them. Worth checking out but the next issue needs more story and less action.

Red Hood And The Outlaws 1

I think the guy at the beginning of the story is Red Arrow. He gets broken out of a prison overseas by Red Hood aka Jason Todd aka Robin 2 aka Zombie!!! A bloodbath issues and help shows up in the form of Starfire. She burns some tanks and they escape to an island.

This island stuff is apparently causing some controversy Mr. Soot said. Saying the character of Starfire is being used unfairly and as a sex object. What female character besides Granny Goodness isn’t?! On the flipside look at how men in comics look. How many guys you know so buff their muscles and veins show through their clothes? Men get the same if not more because there are more male characters. Guys don’t talk about it but they feel the pressure of looking a certain way. Not me. I have a god complex. So yeah Starfire is banging Red Hood and Red Arrow. Not at the same time. That's in issue three. Giggity.

This story was interesting but I’m not sure if I’m dying to read the next issue. I’m on the fence. I like the story by Scott Lobdell and the art by Kenneth Rocafort is fantastic. Maybe it’s the combination of these three characters or something.

Birds Of Prey 1

I really wanted to like this story. I like Black Canary. The Justice League cartoon made me really see that she was a badass character once you get past the fact that she ain’t wearing pants. I’m pissed that only two of the four people on the cover are actually in the comic. Lots of fighting and not much story really. I mean there is but this issue made it feel like there was so much story that had happened and I kinda fell into this not knowing what the hell was going on. I don’t even know what one of the characters Ev Starling does besides drive badly. I wanna like this more than I did but meh. Story and art by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz.

Catwoman, Green Lantern Corps, Blue Beetle, Captain Atom Issue 1

I woke up in the middle of writing all these blogs for the DC 52 and Mr. Soot had a bottle of lotion and a poodle in his arms. I know when its time to get busy. And I am tired of being referred to as “It.” Lets get cracking on a bunch of comic books!

                                       Catwoman 1

Very first page is Catwoman putting clothes on. End of review! But seriously, that’s how this starts. Catwoman rushes out of her apartment just as some masked men shoot the place up before blowing it to bits. She ends up crashing at a friend/informants place and finishing out about some available work. She ends up in disguise as a bartender getting information from the Russian mob about some art.
She ends up hearing the voice of someone from her past who killed a woman right in front of her. Selina aka Catwoman is young in the flashback. She finds the guy in the bathroom and pretends to seduce him and ends up beating the piss out of him! She leaves the club whipping ass along the way before heading home (meaning a penthouse that’s unoccupied) and finding Batman waiting for her. They end up bumping uglies which was pretty cool to see for once instead of having it implied.

Story and art by Judd Winick and Gullem March. The art in this was pretty good. I have read Catwoman books in the past and thought they were okay. This was way better than those. She kicked ass, looked good, and they gave a glimpse into her past. Oh, and Batman and her got bizzay!!!

Green Lantern Corps 1

This issue starts off cool with two Lanterns and a criminal being sliced to death right off the start. Those rings these guys wear have absolutely no emotion. As soon as you die they’re like “Well, time to find someone else to wear me…” I don’t know who the killer is but one of the dying Lanterns did. Back on Earth Guy Gardner, also a Lantern, is applying for a job as a coach. They believe he is too dangerous and may endanger the students so he leaves.

John Stewart, another Lantern, is trying to get better and safer houses built for the city and exposing that City Hall is corrupt. Meanwhile something just killed an entire planet. Seriously, the entire planet. Guy and Stewart fly to the Green Lantern home world Oa and talk about how much their lives suck. They find out those alien have been killed and decide to take some more shields, er, Lanterns to find out what happened. They arrive and everything is dead including that planets Lanterns.

Okay story by Peter J. Tomasi and good art by Fernando Pasarin. I just cant relate to these Lanterns on any level though. Yeah, one is Black. So what? When guys who can create anything by thinking about it (Salma Hayek…!) have problems finding work I just shrug. It wasn’t bad or anything. Just…I don’t know. Worth a thumbing through.

Blue Beetle 1

A Blue Beetle is jacking up an alien planet. Later a Green Lantern (Jesus, these guys are everywhere!) stops a beetle from crashing to Earth. But not really. Even later a kid, Joey, in school is invited to a party after being smacked with a soccer ball.

Let me just jump to the action because the set up for this kid isn’t all that interesting really. Some super villains are fighting other villians for one of those beetles when Joey and his friend stumble into the middle of it. Joey gets his hands on this beetle and when he is struck with a knife it opens up and transforms him into something that looks like a villain on The Power Rangers.

Story by Tony Bedard which isn’t all that awesome. The art by Ig Guara is pretty damned impressive though. I just wish he had more to work with. The jumping back and forth with Spanish and English is cute twice, but stop. I get it. They speak multiple languages. They’re better than me. All right. Enough. I don’t know much about Blue Beetle and this didn’t make me want to.

Captain Atom 1

The story starts off with captain Atom whipping some dude in a robot suit’s ass. As he’s fighting he starts feeling weird and suddenly he disintegrates the suit with a touch scaring the hell out of the guy. And himself. He looks at his hand and it appears to begin to fizzle away before reforming. He heads back to base and Dr. Megala breaks his powers down for him explaining that he is vanishing.

A volcano starts appearing in the middle of New York and a nuclear reactor is getting set to blow in India. He handles the one in India first since that would affect more people. In New York he transforms the lava into snow absorbing way too much energy in the process. He saves the day but the issue ends with him literally falling apart at a molecular level. Aah! Aah! Aah!!!

J.T Krul wrote this (who has been fired from Green Arrow) and amazing art from Freddie Williams II. Captain Atom looked like he was not solid and I liked that. Not sure if it makes me wanna get it pregnant but this was a good start for a character I know pretty much nothing about.

Nightwing, Deadman, Legion Of Superheroes Issue 1

I woke up with Mr. Soot tapping his watch while standing in the doorway of my cell. “You’re sleeping. I don’t like that.” Just as I was about to protest he dropped a stack of comics on my lap. I asked him for more toilet paper. “Use Issue 1 of Static Shock” he said as he left. That’s not a bad idea.

                                       Nightwing 1

Most of what I know about Nightwing is from old ass Teen Titan comics and some of the Batman: The Animated Series. I know about him from when he was the original Robin, but I don’t know about his villains or anything. This issue starts off with Nightwing reminiscing about being Batman for the past year and how it changed him. He is also whipping some ass while doing this. He comes across a visiting circus. The same one that his parents died in. Dun-dun-duuuuuuun!!!

Meanwhile some guy walking through Gotham gets harassed by two thugs. He commences to break one of their necks and caves the other ones face in. Dick Grayson aka Nightwing finally decides to visit the circus and meets all of his old friends while there. A masked man is prowling the streets of Gotham (I assume it’s the same dude that just killed those other guys) sees Dick and attacks him saying he is the “most fiercest killer in Gotham.” While two cops distract this guy (meaning get gutted like fish!) Nightwing appears and fights the guy. This dude is faster and more dangerous than Nightwing and manages to cut him and knock him from a rooftop. The issue ends with Nightwing hurt and down about to be killed.

This was a kickass issue. I don’t know who this crazy ass guy is but I’m interested to find out. The art and story by Kyle Higgins and Eddy Barrows is good and fit’s the story well. Nightwing looks proper when doing flips and turns. Some artists make characters seem strange when they contort but Barrows does not. Very good issue.

Deadman 1

Another guy I barely know anything about. Seen him on the Justice League cartoon once. Pretty sure he’s dead. Good thing this issue covers his entire history. He is shot while working at a circus (apparently working in a circus is second only to working at STAR Labs as being dangerous as hell). He was a selfish prick and is told by a god named Rama, who brings balance to…stuff. She tells Deadman that he has to help others before he can move on.

He gets into the body of a war veteran with no legs. Before that though he finds someone who knew him in life and has to convince her he is Boston Brand aka Deadman by jumping in different people’s bodies. He makes his way back to the vets body and puts a gun to his head. Rama shows up like “What the hezee?!” She doesn’t say that but I imagine she wanted to.

Nice issue and a very good job of introducing the character to people unfamiliar with Deadman. Not sure if I’m dying to read the next issue. This probably would’ve been better if it went more in the dirction of Animal Man or Swamp Thing. This seems too bright for such a dark character. Story and art by Paul Jenkins and Bernard Chang.

Legion Of Superheroes 1

I…I just cant. Too many characters. Too much happening. Too much history. I kept having to flip back and forth to remember which characters did what. Art by Francis Portela is adequate and an overly complicated group of characters Paul Levitz tries to focus on. How about two characters an issue? Unless you’re the Suicide Squad I think I might be having issues with DC’s 52 group comics.

Not An Animal!

(this is a blog I wrote years ago and was inspired to post it because I had to use a urinal this morning that wasn't flushed and one of my friends on Facebook suggested bringing back troughs which is a tool of the Devil)

I am not an animal. But judging from the way men’s rooms are created they’d have you think otherwise. Those damned things are built for maximum stank. Hot, sweaty, and wet! Now that’s good in certain situations (knowhatImsayin'?!) but when I gotta slay the dragon its horrible.

The first time I ever came across a trough was at the tender age of 9. While at the drive-in I had to pee like a pregnant woman. So my father takes me to the bathroom. Oh, how I'd live to regret that decision! A device so sinister that even Satan himself passed on its creation. This son of a bitch went from one side of the bathroom to the other. Nothing but a long line of wang that went as far as the eye could see! And what about the poor bastard at the end of the trough? Was he to be hit with a tsunami of urine that had gathered speed as it traveled? Fuck this. I told my father that I didn’t have to go anymore and we left. To this day I cant believe that these things still exist. To me it’d be like walking down the street and seeing someone on one of those bikes that has the 13-foot wheel in the front. Its wrong and silly and shouldn’t exist anymore. Even the dodo knew when to make an exit.