Phoenix Jones You Say?

Have you ever heard of Phoenix Jones? Oh, you haven’t? He was recently on the news for pepper spraying a crowd of people he felt were doing wrongs. Jones is a crime fighter. Like, a for reals crime fighter. Meaning that he dresses up and confronts bad guys until real help arrives. I guess you could call him The Human Rape Whistle. He’s based out of Seattle which is cool because if I ever saw ths guy in person I would end up in the hospital from laughing too hard. I mean, honestly. Does this strike fear in your heart? I guess maybe if you were minding your business and a giant Black man wearing a mask came at you from the shadows.

Jones got his start after his car was broken into and his son was hurt after falling on some glass. Hmm. Not as, uh, dramatic as having your parents shot in front of you, being the last son of your dying planet, or selling your soul to the Devil but I guess it’s a reason nonetheless. Jones used a mask which was used along with a rock to smash the window to save a friend later who was being attacked. He stopped the assault by “making a commotion.” Jesus, that could mean anything. Running around in circles doing the Kermit Flail could be considered a “commotion.” Anyway, this started him on his path to infamy. His tools are a baton, pepper spray, handcuffs, and a first aid kit.

ABC News ended up airing a special about him and his Justice League (or Just Us League) who call themselves the Rain City Superhero Movement. Not catchy at all. So these yahoos patrol the streets scaring normally law abiding citizens and making actual threats pee laughing. Fat kung fu dudes and broke looking ninjas aren’t exactly fear inducing. The one in red is begging to be shot at in that get up. And the ninja? At night he’s a human traffic cone. According to Wikipedia every one of them have military or mixed martial arts training. Yeah, I have mixed martial arts training too. I mix my arts all the time. Drawing, painting, and dabbling in guitar playing.

Some of Jones’ exploits are stopping a drunk man from getting into his car, spraying a guy trying to steal a bus with pepper spray, stopping a break in, and spraying a group of people with pepper spray. Two groups of people were arguing and Jones showed up, said “I’m a superhero”, and laid it on them. Seriously, what the fuck? I don’t mind ordinary citizens dressing up and fighting crime. I seriously don’t. But if you’re gonna do it go H.A.M. Don’t walk up to people and wave a stick around or spray them. Fuck them up for real.

Eventually this all had to come to an end. Phoenix Jones unmasked and- -sweet Mary mother of Joseph! What the fuck is that on his head?! Oh la oh la ay! Who in the hell still has this haircut?! Even when this was in style it wasn’t in style. Benjamin John Francis Fodor is his name, not Phoenix Jones. He’s also 23 years old. I guess he just stopped giving a damn about his costume because it looks like he was dragged by a car. He had to go to court and he revealed his identity to the world. Hopefully he’ll stay the hell off the streets and get his friends to as well. I wouldn’t suggest people do this unless they learn how to properly handle criminals that have weapons and - -fuck, this guys hair is way too distracting.