People throw the word love around a lot. I love my late fish Maximus more than most of the people that walk this planet. I know that he was just a fish but whatever. I loved the little psychopath. Love is a very complex thing that we’ll never really understand completely and cant compare to others because fuck their emotions. You know what you love.
1. Sometimes I’m Not Good At It.
The first time I ever told someone I loved them was over the phone when I was 11. There was this chick I met and had a relationship with over the phone. Yeah, she broke up with me because she got a picture of me which taught me that I was not gonna get by on my looks so I had to work on having some sort of personality. Did I love her? No. I didn’t know what love was. The closest I had come to loving something at that point was a stuffed cow/dinosaur I had when I was younger.
Since then I have had relationships where I thought what I was doing was loving someone when it turns out all’s I was doing was waiting for them to stop being weird and treat me the same way I was treating them: with logic. I apply logic to certain types of love when I’m supposed to just dive right in like they do in the movies. Screw that nonsense. Sometimes I just really like someone and just say “Fuck it, I think I love them” and that’s stupid and I’ve stopped doing that.
2. I Can Love The Wrong Person.
I have been thinking a lot about my past relationships because for a few months now I have been in a half-assed wanna date someone mood. A lot of my past relationships so should not have happened. Its what happens when I ditch logic and go with “Let’s see what happens!” mode. I have experienced love and wanted to marry someone and all that jazz but the realistic part of my brain knew it wouldn’t happen. I just quiet it with ironing and watching Youtube clips of people falling off trampolines.
There were times when something would happen early in the relationship that was the biggest red flag ever and I would not ignore it exactly, but put it in my pocket for later. Maybe she liked booze too much, little more religious than I liked, not as sexual as I wanted. They weren’t right for me but I’m no quitter so I kept at it. Then later slapped myself in the throat for not listening to myself.
3. I Can Be Bad At Noticing It.
I have had someone say they loved me and it caught my completely off guard. I’ve mentioned my Social Asperger’s many times so when someone likes me I wont know unless they actually put their vajayjay in my face and say “There needs to be no space between our genitals.” I also wonder why they love me. Yeah, my brain tends to do that when someone likes me let alone says they love me.
It sucks when I love someone, as a friend or as a mate, and I’ve been thinking it for a long ass time and it turns out they feel the same way. I look back at all the random signs I miss and sigh heavily. I’m also bad at realizing that I do love type things with people I don’t have those kind of feelings for which is why I now have to monitor my massage giving. Seriously. Those things have caused a lot of situations in my life.
4. I Have Varying Degrees Of It.
I was talking to a friend about this a few weeks ago. I love bacon, my bestfriend, and my Grandmama but not all the same. There are people that think its love when its really just “I don’t want you to die.” I care for some people and then there are ones I love. I love some people and want them to have an amazing life and there are some people I love where I would strongly consider visiting in the hospital if they were injured. Then there are the ones, about four people, where I would do some shit that would make Liam Neeson in Taken blush because I don’t want any part of their life to be bad.
I understand that we all have bad days but when I seriously love someone in my special Dante way I’m pretty hardcore about it. When I feel myself going in that direction with someone I almost feel bad for them because my love is stutarded and strong. But those people at least know that I will break bones or go broke for them. Oh, and be there as a shoulder to cry on. There’s that too.
5. Its Not Unconditional.
I have thought back to the people I have told I loved them and sometimes laugh because I think “That wasn’t even close to love!” This goes for past friends and relationships. The people I have that love as described above will be in my life until I die or if they do a 180. The 180 is a very important part of this because even though some people think love is eternal, I say that it is them being an asshole for three months away from me never talking to them again.
You can stay with someone you say you love even though they are an abusive asshole physically or mentally. I have stayed with people because I thought I loved them even though they were very wrong for me because as pessimistic as some people think I am and I can be at times, I really do try to be a positive person. So when I am with a chick I will try to help you through your shit or a friend through their problems...to a point. When you refuse to fix a problem no amount of love is gonna work. You just start to make me unhappy and there is nothing more miserable looking than an unhappy couple. Believe me. I've been there.
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