Dante Saves You: Evil House Edition

Its October and you know what that means. Halloween! When I was little I went to a few haunted houses and they were just regular ass houses with straw thrown on the floor because as we all know straw is the scariest thing that you can find on the floor. When you see straw anything can happen after that point!

But this isn’t true. You can live in a jacked up ass house that wants to kill you or use you to kill your family and friends. Allow me to introduce Evil Houses! I know some of you will be like “Why didn’t you mention Poltergeist?!” to which I’ll respond “German scares me!” and the fact that I have used that damned movie in enough blogs already. So get ready for me to save your dumbass.

You Moved Into Amityville Horror. 

You and your wife decide to move into a nice new home in the middle of nowhere. This isn’t starting off well already. You two are religious to a certain extent and ask a priest to come and bless your new home because fuck living in an unblessed house. But there’s one problem.

And it isn't the fact your husband spends more time in the salon than you.

This house doesn’t want to be blessed. Its like me when I sneeze and someone tries to bless me. I growl. The priest instead of taking an L decides to continue to help you because fuck going back to a normal life. The man of the house starts to look like a fucking psychopath. He goes from looking like a member of the Bee Gee’s to a member of the Manson family. How do you survive this?

Solution. 

"I never should have left Astoria..."

Stay away from your husband. He isn’t having a bad day. He is going to kill your face eventually. Something bad happened in this house and you refuse to move because you think that ten years from now its value will go up. Asshole. Your dog even knows shit isn’t right! The toilet bubbles. Shit oozes out the walls. Kids are getting hurt. Just fucking get out of there! It isn’t worth it! And the priest?

Yes, I am wiping my face as I post this picture.

Just for trying to make your house happy he gets fucked over. He gets the flying shits, blisters on his hands, his car loses control, he goes blind and eventually loses his shit. The worst part though of course is the flies. Ugh! I hate when one fly is on me. Imagine a goddamn army of them buzzing with their stupid wings and such. Seriously. Just get the fuck out of there. Its not gonna follow you. Plus, if your life includes cutting logs for heat you’re doing it wrong. And by “it” I mean life.

Let’s Visit The Evil Dead. 

You and your friends decide to head to a abandoned looking cabin in the hills of Tennessee for spring break. What about any part of that sentence makes sense?! You all decide to stay and find a Book of the Dead and an old tape recorder. Nope. Its time to sleep in the car tonight, bitches! There is no way in hell that I’m staying in this place. But they’re sick of living so they do it anyway. Then this happens.

Thunk.

That’s right. Girl gets her vajayjay poked by a tree. A tree! Now you know why I hate nature so damn much. I cant live in a world where trees are running around fucking chicks. Your friends are starting to become possessed by demons and being killed but you still stay because its dark outside and, you know, them trees is fucking folks.

Solution. 

No,  don't wanna smooch.

Don’t be soft. Your friends aren’t gonna recover from this. You won’t talk about this later like “Remember when we went to that creepy ass cabin and all of you got possessed and started flying in the air and shitting blood? Wow, that was crazy!” Once your friends eyes go white just chop them up. Just make sure they aren’t just trying to be funny at the worst possible moment.

He always said he'd get her wet.

You can try and wait out the night which I would suggest. I know that it sucks that you had to kill all your friends and your girlfriend but shit happens. As long as you weren’t the asshole that decided to head to hillbilly country for spring break you can live with a clean conscious afterwards.

Let’s Vacation At The Shining. 

You and your family head to the Overlook Hotel during the worst snow storm in the history of history. One man, wife, child, and poor Black man who you know is gonna die have to stay in this big fucking place for the next few months. You find out that the last guy who was caretaker snapped and killed his family and you stay because fuck driving all the way back home in this weather!

He wants to put it in you. An ax. Not his penis. Which is also sharp.

The Black dude knows that your son has ESP and tries to help him out by not hiding him and running away. Dad has a drinking problem that calling alcoholism would be like calling a house on fire uncomfortably warm. And the wife? She’s uh…yeah. She’s under quite a bit of stress since dad didn’t just lose his mind. He wrapped it in a bag, soaked it in gasoline, set it ablaze, and tossed it off a bridge. How in the fuck do you get out of here alive?!

Solution. 

Nope.

Stay out of any room where the above picture is happening. Matter of fact, stop opening doors. The rooms just keep on getting worse. You know the kid that’s running around acting all weird because he is seeing shit that people pay drug dealers to experience? Listen to him. And stay away from the husband. I can not stress that enough.

"I've been under a lot of stress lately!"

Also, make sure to have a weapon. Not only that, if you have a weapon use the fucking thing! Don’t just hide somewhere with a weapon screaming unless screaming is the one thing the killer has no immunity to. And don’t run outside in the snow unless you know the way around. Which you don’t. Just lock yourself somewhere and let the husband drink himself to death. And get counseling. Lots of counseling.

You Brought Back Beetlejuice. 

You are a lovely young couple that die and decide to bring back the spirit of a lunatic to help scare the new people that are living in the house you two made a home. This time you are the problem that makes things worse by introducing a bigger problem. You cant leave the house because…well, sandworms suck. So this one time I am telling you to not leave the house. Or trust this guy.

Not sexy! Not sexy!

He’s obviously insane. He makes no attempts to tone it down by first meeting you. He’s supposed to help get rid of these new people but does nothing but make everyone else’s lives miserable because its Michael Keaton and that’s what he does. Asshole ruined Batman.

Solution. 

"The fuck is this? The Overlook?!"

As soon as you meet him just pass. Tell him you just died and aren’t thinking straight and made a bad decision by contacting him. Maybe there’s some small part of him that has humanity and understanding left and he’ll nod politely and leave.

"Wanna touch it?"

You know what? Fuck this guy. Just use all the crazy shit you can do as a ghost and beat the hell out of him. He’s just some asshole that looks like Bryan Setzer dead three months. Just fuck him up, make nice with the new family by dancing, and live happily ever after.

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.