Dante Shows The Ladies How To Handle Texting Men

I talk to a lot of women. No, not like that. Not like that at all. Perhaps 85% of contact I have with people is woman contact. That sounds far sexier than the reality of the situation. One of the things I have noticed is that like most humans they communicate primarily through text messaging. Inevitably, while talking to men things get lost in translation and the next thing you know dick pics are sent, people are confused, arrests are made. Its a whole thing that could've been avoided if I was involved.

So I am gonna try and save you ladies a lot of uncomfortable situation by showing what you write to guys and what they see. It has been said that men and women speak a different language. I don't think this is true. There are just people who say what they really feel and some that are afraid of hurting people's feelings. Fuck their feelings. Embrace your inner robot. We live in the future!

Guy Says: “You should leave that guy for me.”

Woman Says: “LOL”

Guy Translation: “She wants the D.”

Now, instead of saying what she means like “There's not a snowballs chance in hell of me leaving anyone to be with you!” or “I like you just the way you are...not with me” they say the little “LOL” thing and the guy sees it as not a no. I was telling one of my favorite people Dashuh about how guys are like Pepe Le Pew. That cat never told him no and he just kept at it. I equate most of life to cartoons.

Hahahahaha! His brother's is bigger.

I know a lot of people don't like to say no, but if you are being hit on by a guy and you seriously don't want a piece of him then just say no. Otherwise he is just gonna keep pushing it. And by pushing it I mean dick pics. The last thing you need during the PTA meeting is your boyfriends cousin you met just the one time and barely spoke to at Christmas sending you proof that some things really do run in the family. And by things I mean...

Guy Says: “Wanna see something?” (sends dick pic)

Woman Says: (ignores picture)

Guy Translation: “She must not have gotten it. I'll send a few more.”

There is nothing worst than uninvited dick pics, who also happen to be the name of my new band. If you ever ask a guy if he's sent a dick pic and he says no then you are talking to a toddler. Women rarely ask for pictures of a guys dick and if they do best believe they have shown it to someone who has sworn secrecy.

Or the police who are very not about secrecy.

Real quick for the guys: if you send a dick pic, represent. Full staff, trimmed pubes, good lighting. You never want a girl to see your junk and go “What is this?” Back to the ladies. Guy sends one of these you don't want just say “My friend is right here and saw it.” If that doesn't stop his ass then you should stop talking to him period. He's not right with God.

Guys Says: “Good morning!”

Woman Says: (nothing because...life)

Guy Translation: “Bitch!”

I don't know why but men are far more emotional when texting. They are all about that JK and smilie faces. They are sensitive. A dude can be shitting on the toilet and sharing his feelings that he would never reveal in real life while sober. Some women say men aren't emotional. They are when you don't respond to their cute messages! I like to think that if I had a cell phone that I would use it just to let someone know I am downstairs, almost there, or for pictures...of my dick.