Dante Bitches About Cosmo Orgasm Advice

Goddamn you, Cosmo. I don't know how I always end up finding these damned articles from them and then getting mad at what is written. I found one talking about female orgasms. It is this chick bitching about guy's having orgasms and women not. I'm all for women getting their rocks off. I'm a huge fan of women having orgasms. But the stuff that is described in this article bugs me.

“The female orgasm whether clitoral or vaginal is elusive, and frequently unattainable during sex if the woman’s not feeling it. Or feeling too much of something in one place and not enough in another place, or hearing your iPhone chirp with seven new text messages, or wondering if the cat is about to jump up onto the bed and swat at the guy's balls.”

First off, if you don't wanna fuck don't fuck. You don't have to let some dude climb on top of you if you don't want. If you aren't in the mood to get some you just aren't. As for all that other stuff? Turn off your phone when you're fucking. If I am fucking someone and they answer the phone, the night (date) is over. No call is that important. I don't care of your mother is dying. Maybe you shouldn't be fucking if your mom is dying. Ever think of that?!

Oh, and if I am fucking and you let your cat in the room well then I guess I'm just not fucking. No animals in the room! Not even a pet lizard. I think I just heard someone say “Oh, grow up!” You are exactly the type of person I would never have sex with. I used to have a dog. Guess what I didn't do? Let him watch me fuck.

“Sex is thought of as 'ending' when a man comes. And many lazy dudes subscribe to this notion: if she still hasn't gotten off after the five minutes of work I've put in and I've ejaculated, I can just roll over and go to sleep, because the fact that she can't come is her fault, not mine.”

You should stop having sex with assholes. I can understand a one night stand getting away with this, but a fuck buddy wouldn't even treat you this way. Years ago I had a fuck buddy. It was awesome until it became a relationship. Even though we weren't in a relationship I cared if she came. I'm not a total dick. If you ever have sex with someone and they are done after they cum, then never have sex with them again. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have done that. Its not only men who are takers and not givers.

She didn't touch his balls once.

“You might claim that this guy does not exist. That's what you said about the Won't Go Down On You guy, and our poll proved you wrong. Being a single person who does have sex occasionally, you run into This Dude pretty often. 'This might take awhile,' you warn him beforehand. He takes this as an excuse to stop, nod sagely, and say 'I know some women don't have orgasms every time. Don't worry about it.' Now that he's framed it like you're the one who's being forgiven for your tricky, finicky genitals, he focuses solely on his own orgasm and then promptly falls asleep.”

I have heard the whole it may take a while thing. And I laugh...on the inside. I am a huge proponent of not taking old shit into new relationships sexually. That's how dick's get broken. “Oh, my man used to love when I would rub his dick like I was starting a fire!” I'm sure he did until he got with another girl and said to her “My ex used to try and set my dick aflame!” I have pretty much three signature moves. That's a wrestling term. Let's take wrestler Randy Orton for example. He has a few signature moves and two finishers.

The Garvin Stomp.

The Backbreaker.

And his finishers, The Punt Kick...

...and The RKO.

My signature moves are not known to hurt any woman that has experienced them (except that one time but all I did was what was asked of me). But there are things that certain women have enjoyed that I wouldn't dare try on others because I hate being slapped in the face. The one thing I can guarantee is that she will finish a few times before I get my one in especially since my junk if far too unpredictable (click here to read about my dick!).

You don't need to tell me it will take a while just like if I am getting something out of the oven it'll be hot. Your while can be a minute for me and your too hot can be just really warm to me because my family has a history of diabetes and my nerve ending are garbage. Let me find out for myself how long it takes. I don't need to hear about how your last lame ass man could never make you cum. That just means you make poor relationship decisions.

“Thus, this dude taking the current pathetic rate of female orgasm during casual sex as the status quo actually enhances the gap between male and female orgasm rates. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Let's call this the Orgasm Deficit. And since the new study on the low rate of female orgasm has emerged, so have myriad response pieces (by women) about how sex feels good even without an orgasm, and how orgasms are almost besides the point.”

Look at how happy she is not having orgasms!

I have heard a lot of women say that they didn't need orgasms or that they weren't sure if they had one before. This isn't the 1940's where dudes would slap their woman for asking for an orgasm. If my lady (that doesn't exist) said “Dante, give me what I want” I would rub her feet and make dinner. Or an orgasm. I'm bad at reading people. Saying you don't need an orgasm is like saying you don't want a spoon to eat your ice cream with. Can you do it? Of course. But its stupid. I have stopped a chick before I came but that was because they were bad at what they were doing. But I wont stop trying with a chick...unless she answers a phone.

“Are they? Sure, it's true, to a point. But is this just a rationalization to continue letting men off the hook and Criss Angel Mindfreak women into thinking that their own orgasms aren't as important as the man's? It's one thing to mutually call it if you're both tired and you (the lady) would genuinely rather sleep than get off but letting a guy get away with walking out of your apartment feeling great about himself after passing the buck on giving you an orgasm is a whole different story.”

Again, one night stand or just you being nasty I think it is fine to let a guy leave after he came. Fuck it. Cut your losses. He's never gonna meet your father. But if this is someone you are serious about and want things to go further than just this one sided banging then you need to let a guy know he is doing bad at this whole sex thing.

I have not always been good at it and I have still had times where I'm was like “The fuck? Am I 23 again?!” But I always have taken advice. If you have a man and have been letting him get away with getting his and not giving you yours, that's on you. Its gonna be hard for you to tell him that for the past few years you've been unhappy. But tell him.

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