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“I mean, honestly, who really cares
about Johnny Panic anymore? Yeah, about ten years ago when he was a
cute teenager flying through the air kicking tanks and saving old
ladies as they crossed the street while an 18-wheeler barreled
towards them we cheered him on but today he shtick is played. Yeah,
he's rich. Yeah, he's hot. But I'm sick of seeing his face. I'm not
the only one right?”
“Who is this ass-rascal?” I ask Ronica. We're sitting on the couch watching this chick talk mad shit
about me. And the audience is applauding. Applauding, I say!
“Her name's Aphrodite Malone” she
tells me. “She used to be a big time blogger, still is sometimes,
but about a month ago they gave her a talk show.”
“Why?”
“People think she is funny” Ronica
says. “I've read a few of her posts. I don't find her funny at all.
She just complains about everything and other bitchy people cheer her
on. Like now.”
“Do you remember when Panic thought
his best friend died in that plane crash? What did he do? Did he
publicly mourn the loss of his best friend since childhood? Nope. He
started a reality show to see who could be his new best friend!”
The audience boos.
“That was a good show” I say.
“Meh” Ronica replies.
“All those guys were tools” Zazz
says.
“When'd you sneak into the room,
Frito Bandito?”
“I've seen this girls show a few
times” Zazz says. “She's pretty funny. Aimee thinks she is too
loud.”
“I agree with Aimee” I say. Milly
floats into the room with Aimee right behind her holding the tether.
Milly blows bubbles with her tongue and laughs. “I agree with Milly
too.” I start making bubbles. Milly laughs and makes more. Now
we're both doing it so loud the windows begin to vibrate.
“Stop that” Ronica says and we do.
“Johnny, why are we still watching this show?”
“I just wanna see what else this
hater has to say about me.”
“And...?”
“Burn the image of every single
person in that audience into my head so that if they are ever in
trouble I don't save them by accident.”
“You can't pick and choose who to
save” Zazz says.
“Says who?” I ask. “I do it all
the time. Right now there are thousands of people that need my help
but I'm sitting here watching TV.” That didn't come out right.
“That didn't come out right. What I meant to say was...I...I don't
have the time to save the world. I need rest, damn it! Let the police
help people! Am I right?!”
“You know a cool trick you can try?”
Zazz asks. “Whatever the first thing you think to say pops into
your head, just say the second.”
“Sometimes the second is worse than
the first” Ronica says.
“Just like wives!” I say. I raise
my hand for a high-five that will never come. “So...yeah. We should
get something to eat. I'm starving. You all hungry?”
“We ate an hour ago” Ronica says.
“You're acting weird. Why are you acting weird, weirdo?”
“So I say we all should boycott any
Johnny Panic related products! No shirts. No shoes. No pants. No
drinks. No food. Nothing! Anyone that sponsors him will see just how
powerful we, the consumers, truly are!”
“Oh, that's not good” Ronica says.
“Its the opposite of good” Zazz
says.
“Its ass” I say. “It hot, swampy
ass.” I stand and begin pacing. “Ronnie, call my people. We need
to handle this!”
“I am your people” she says.
“Anything you need to release to the public will go through me
before anyone else.”
“Okay” I say. “I need to meet
with this hooker.”
“Does this mean something...different
here?” Aimee asks.
“No” Zazz says. “He's just being
a jerk.”
“A cool jerk!” I say. “I want to
have a chat with this Alabaster Mansfield.”
“Aphrodite Malone” Zazz and Ronica
both say.
“Exactly” I nod. “I think once
she meets me she'll see that I'm not as bad as she thinks. And if she
does I'll just prove her right. Introduce her to the clouds above
Earth.”
Even though Ronica is my hot ass lady
and my baby mama I tend to forget how much she does for me and our
business. Because that is what I am. A business. Yeah, I've saved the
planet from an alien invasion, disgraced a president on national
television, and battled a few super powered freaks created by the
government. But I am a brand as well. And this Agamemnon Mason is
going to ruin a huge chunk of it.
I'm not trying to save the world and be
broke.
Within an hour Ronica had set up a live
debate between me and this chick. Ronica and Zazz thought it was a
terrible idea to have me on live television but Agatha Morehouse said
she wouldn't talk to me any other way. Two days later we're arriving
at the studios in Burbank and waiting. I hate waiting. Her people
that claim to agree with her and want to boycott my shit ask for
autographs but I have Zazz hold them all back. I'm making him earn
those paychecks he doesn't cash. The hell he think he is anyway? Jay
Leno? After keeping us waiting for 45 minutes she shows up.
She's not as bad looking as she looks
on TV. She has bleached blond hair. Black eyebrows. Glasses she don't
need. About 5 foot 7 but 5 foot 10 with her yellow heels. Her skirt
is dark blue and her blouse is red. Looks terrible. Ronica must sense
that I am about to say something because she speaks before I can.
“Its so nice to finally meet you”
Ronica says.
“Let's cut the bullshit” she says.
“Oh, no you didn't...”
The Long Hard Chat coming soon.
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