Sunday, December 6, 2015

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 3 of 3

Click here for previous Check Your Privilege.

“I mean, honestly, who really cares about Johnny Panic anymore? Yeah, about ten years ago when he was a cute teenager flying through the air kicking tanks and saving old ladies as they crossed the street while an 18-wheeler barreled towards them we cheered him on but today he shtick is played. Yeah, he's rich. Yeah, he's hot. But I'm sick of seeing his face. I'm not the only one right?”

“Who is this ass-rascal?” I ask Ronica. We're sitting on the couch watching this chick talk mad shit about me. And the audience is applauding. Applauding, I say!

“Her name's Aphrodite Malone” she tells me. “She used to be a big time blogger, still is sometimes, but about a month ago they gave her a talk show.”


“People think she is funny” Ronica says. “I've read a few of her posts. I don't find her funny at all. She just complains about everything and other bitchy people cheer her on. Like now.”

“Do you remember when Panic thought his best friend died in that plane crash? What did he do? Did he publicly mourn the loss of his best friend since childhood? Nope. He started a reality show to see who could be his new best friend!” The audience boos.

“That was a good show” I say.

“Meh” Ronica replies.

“All those guys were tools” Zazz says.

“When'd you sneak into the room, Frito Bandito?”

“I've seen this girls show a few times” Zazz says. “She's pretty funny. Aimee thinks she is too loud.”

“I agree with Aimee” I say. Milly floats into the room with Aimee right behind her holding the tether. Milly blows bubbles with her tongue and laughs. “I agree with Milly too.” I start making bubbles. Milly laughs and makes more. Now we're both doing it so loud the windows begin to vibrate.

“Stop that” Ronica says and we do. “Johnny, why are we still watching this show?”

“I just wanna see what else this hater has to say about me.”


“Burn the image of every single person in that audience into my head so that if they are ever in trouble I don't save them by accident.”

“You can't pick and choose who to save” Zazz says.

“Says who?” I ask. “I do it all the time. Right now there are thousands of people that need my help but I'm sitting here watching TV.” That didn't come out right. “That didn't come out right. What I meant to say was...I...I don't have the time to save the world. I need rest, damn it! Let the police help people! Am I right?!”

“You know a cool trick you can try?” Zazz asks. “Whatever the first thing you think to say pops into your head, just say the second.”

“Sometimes the second is worse than the first” Ronica says.

“Just like wives!” I say. I raise my hand for a high-five that will never come. “So...yeah. We should get something to eat. I'm starving. You all hungry?”

“We ate an hour ago” Ronica says. “You're acting weird. Why are you acting weird, weirdo?”

“So I say we all should boycott any Johnny Panic related products! No shirts. No shoes. No pants. No drinks. No food. Nothing! Anyone that sponsors him will see just how powerful we, the consumers, truly are!”

“Oh, that's not good” Ronica says.

“Its the opposite of good” Zazz says.

“Its ass” I say. “It hot, swampy ass.” I stand and begin pacing. “Ronnie, call my people. We need to handle this!”

“I am your people” she says. “Anything you need to release to the public will go through me before anyone else.”

“Okay” I say. “I need to meet with this hooker.”

“Does this mean something...different here?” Aimee asks.

“No” Zazz says. “He's just being a jerk.”

“A cool jerk!” I say. “I want to have a chat with this Alabaster Mansfield.”

“Aphrodite Malone” Zazz and Ronica both say.

“Exactly” I nod. “I think once she meets me she'll see that I'm not as bad as she thinks. And if she does I'll just prove her right. Introduce her to the clouds above Earth.”

Even though Ronica is my hot ass lady and my baby mama I tend to forget how much she does for me and our business. Because that is what I am. A business. Yeah, I've saved the planet from an alien invasion, disgraced a president on national television, and battled a few super powered freaks created by the government. But I am a brand as well. And this Agamemnon Mason is going to ruin a huge chunk of it.

I'm not trying to save the world and be broke.

Within an hour Ronica had set up a live debate between me and this chick. Ronica and Zazz thought it was a terrible idea to have me on live television but Agatha Morehouse said she wouldn't talk to me any other way. Two days later we're arriving at the studios in Burbank and waiting. I hate waiting. Her people that claim to agree with her and want to boycott my shit ask for autographs but I have Zazz hold them all back. I'm making him earn those paychecks he doesn't cash. The hell he think he is anyway? Jay Leno? After keeping us waiting for 45 minutes she shows up.

She's not as bad looking as she looks on TV. She has bleached blond hair. Black eyebrows. Glasses she don't need. About 5 foot 7 but 5 foot 10 with her yellow heels. Her skirt is dark blue and her blouse is red. Looks terrible. Ronica must sense that I am about to say something because she speaks before I can.

“Its so nice to finally meet you” Ronica says.

“Let's cut the bullshit” she says.

“Oh, no you didn't...”

The Long Hard Chat coming soon.  

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