Tuesday, December 1, 2015

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 5

The night goes by pretty uneventfully. I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever. That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like someone stepped on a bag of chips.

“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You need to get that checked out.”

“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?” Someone taps on the door once and enters.

“You have three minutes” Mr. W. Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.

“That man is a living Harry Potter villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”

“I'll let you know as soon as the room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again. “The fuck is this? A sitcom?”

“I'm not doing it” Beef says as he rushes into the bathroom and closes the door. I hear the lock turn.

“And he is...?” Saucy asks.

“That's Beef” I say. “He's gay too.” Saucy stares at me. “I'm kidding. He's just fat as shit. Hey, Beef! Get out of there. I need to shit!”


“Rude!” I say and pound the door. Google enters. “Seriously?!” I say. “We need a goddamn theme song.”

“Is he hiding in there?” Google asks. Saucy and I nod. “Damn it. I need to find some place else to hide.”

“Why's everyone so scared?” Saucy asks.

“You didn't hear?” Google asks. “Obviously you didn't. You're not hiding. You know teacher has what he calls 'physical activities' planned for today, right?” We nod. “Well, what he never bothered to mention is that it is dodge ball.”

“That's not shit” I say. “I've been dodging responsibility my entire life. A ball won't be any problem.”

“He has Marines throwing the balls!” Google says. Beef whimpers in the bathroom.

“He really needs to come out of there” I tell Google. “Have you ever seen an alcoholics shit? Its like a scene out of Saw 4.” I pound the door. “Come out of there before I shit on the floor and shove it under this door!”


“That's it” I say while pretending to roll up sleeves I'm not wearing. I back myself up until I am against the wall facing the bathroom door. “I ever tell you that my grandfather was a running back for the Chico Muskrats?”

“That's not a thing” Google says.

“Guess you don't know everything!” I shout and then charge the door. As soon as my feet leave the ground the door flies open. Beef looks surprised. I'm sure I do. My shoulder meets his chest and he slams against the wall and then comes back down on top of me. “Aah...please...so much...man...on top of me!”

“Don't say it” Saucy says.

“Bit killer” I say. I manage to turn my head enough and see Mr. W. Scott holding a remote. He made the door open. “You are like a Harry Potter villain!”

“Remotes were created in 1899 by Nikola Tesla” Mr. W. Scott says. “It is not magic. Now head into the yard. It is time for physical activities. And you”, he says pointing to Beef, “are this close to finding out if my shoe can fit into your anal cavity.” Mr. W. Scott looks at me, Saucy, Beef, and Google then checks something off on his clipboard and leaves.

“He was wrong” Google says.

“Yeah” I say. “I have seen videos with people having feet in their asses. Its totally doable.”

“No” Google says. “About the remote control. Tesla did create it, but it was in 1898. Not 1899.”

“Nerds” Inky says as she passes by with Boobs, Softy, Mary, and some other chick I haven't met. “Ready to get your asses kicked?”

“I haven't had my ass kicked in hours” I say while pulling myself from underneath Beef. “I feel like this is the beginning of a new start for me.”

“You'd be kind of pretty if you didn't look like Basquiat sketch” Saucy says. Boobs laughs so Inky shoots daggers at her with her eyes. Saucy is good.

“Oh, you're the homo I've heard about” Inky replies. “Don't get used to your boyfriends pretty face. He's not gonna look the same after those soldiers are done with him.”

“Honey, any damage they do to you will be an improvement” Saucy says back. This time Mary laughs and then leaves before Inky can get mad at her. “And he is not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah!” I say, dusting myself off. “We're roommates. Maybe one day I'll start to grow on him and he'll ask me out to dinner. And then after a few dates I'll get to meet his family and they'll see how serious we are. Then while on vacation he'll propose to me on a cruise while we're alone on the deck. Not in front of thousands of people because this is about the two of us! Then we'll move in together and in the morning while he reads the paper he'll tell me about this tragic story of a girl with the face of a wombat getting hit by a bag of blue shit that fell from a plane. And when we see who it is we'll laugh at the memory of this moment and say 'Isn't that the girl from the facility?' Then we'll kiss. A deep passionate man kiss! And you'd be jealous if you saw but you won't because you're dead and covered with blue airplane shit! So jokes' on you, Alabama Hot Pocket!”

“Wow” Google says.

“That was detailed” Softy says.

“I can't help it. I'm special that way.”

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