The night goes by pretty uneventfully.
I half hoped and was half afraid that Saucy was going to touch me in
my sleep but he didn't. He was a perfect gentleman. I don't see what
his wife's problem is. She got three kids out of him. Let him touch
some dick. He's obviously given it to her in the past. But whatever.
That's their problem. It is now morning time and I'm gonna do some
physical activities with the women! Saucy is up before me and doing
stretches. I try to bend and touch my toes and my back sounds like
someone stepped on a bag of chips.
“Good God, boy!” Saucy says. “You
need to get that checked out.”
“I bet you'd like that, wouldn't
you?” I ask him. “Wait. That didn't make sense, did it?”
Someone taps on the door once and enters.
“You have three minutes” Mr. W.
Scott says and closes the door. He sticks his head back in for a
moment and checks off his clipboard then leaves again.
“That man is a living Harry Potter
villain” Saucy says. “How are you holding up, kid?”
“I'll let you know as soon as the
room stops moving” I tell him. Someone knocks at the door again.
“The fuck is this? A sitcom?”
“I'm not doing it” Beef says as he
rushes into the bathroom and closes the door. I hear the lock turn.
“And he is...?” Saucy asks.
“That's Beef” I say. “He's gay
too.” Saucy stares at me. “I'm kidding. He's just fat as shit.
Hey, Beef! Get out of there. I need to shit!”
“No!”
“Rude!” I say and pound the door.
Google enters. “Seriously?!” I say. “We need a goddamn theme
song.”
“Is he hiding in there?” Google
asks. Saucy and I nod. “Damn it. I need to find some place else to
hide.”
“Why's everyone so scared?” Saucy
asks.
“You didn't hear?” Google asks.
“Obviously you didn't. You're not hiding. You know teacher has what
he calls 'physical activities' planned for today, right?” We nod.
“Well, what he never bothered to mention is that it is dodge ball.”
“That's not shit” I say. “I've
been dodging responsibility my entire life. A ball won't be any
problem.”
“He has Marines throwing the balls!”
Google says. Beef whimpers in the bathroom.
“He really needs to come out of
there” I tell Google. “Have you ever seen an alcoholics shit? Its
like a scene out of Saw 4.” I pound the door. “Come out of there
before I shit on the floor and shove it under this door!”
“No!”
“That's it” I say while pretending
to roll up sleeves I'm not wearing. I back myself up until I am against the wall facing the bathroom door. “I ever tell you that my
grandfather was a running back for the Chico Muskrats?”
“That's not a thing” Google says.
“Guess you don't know everything!”
I shout and then charge the door. As soon as my feet leave the ground
the door flies open. Beef looks surprised. I'm sure I do. My shoulder
meets his chest and he slams against the wall and then comes back
down on top of me. “Aah...please...so much...man...on top of me!”
“Don't say it” Saucy says.
“Bit killer” I say. I manage to
turn my head enough and see Mr. W. Scott holding a remote. He made
the door open. “You are like a Harry Potter villain!”
“Remotes were created in 1899 by
Nikola Tesla” Mr. W. Scott says. “It is not magic. Now head into
the yard. It is time for physical activities. And you”, he says
pointing to Beef, “are this close to finding out if my shoe can fit
into your anal cavity.” Mr. W. Scott looks at me, Saucy, Beef, and
Google then checks something off on his clipboard and leaves.
“He was wrong” Google says.
“Yeah” I say. “I have seen videos
with people having feet in their asses. Its totally doable.”
“No” Google says. “About the
remote control. Tesla did create it, but it was in 1898. Not 1899.”
“Nerds” Inky says as she passes by
with Boobs, Softy, Mary, and some other chick I haven't met. “Ready
to get your asses kicked?”
“I haven't had my ass kicked in
hours” I say while pulling myself from underneath Beef. “I feel
like this is the beginning of a new start for me.”
“You'd be kind of pretty if you
didn't look like Basquiat sketch” Saucy says. Boobs laughs so Inky
shoots daggers at her with her eyes. Saucy is good.
“Oh, you're the homo I've heard
about” Inky replies. “Don't get used to your boyfriends pretty
face. He's not gonna look the same after those soldiers are done with
him.”
“Honey, any damage they do to you
will be an improvement” Saucy says back. This time Mary laughs and
then leaves before Inky can get mad at her. “And he is not my
boyfriend.”
“Yeah!” I say, dusting myself off.
“We're roommates. Maybe one day I'll start to grow on him and he'll
ask me out to dinner. And then after a few dates I'll get to meet his
family and they'll see how serious we are. Then while on vacation
he'll propose to me on a cruise while we're alone on the deck. Not in
front of thousands of people because this is about the two of us!
Then we'll move in together and in the morning while he reads the
paper he'll tell me about this tragic story of a girl with the face
of a wombat getting hit by a bag of blue shit that fell from a plane.
And when we see who it is we'll laugh at the memory of this moment
and say 'Isn't that the girl from the facility?' Then we'll kiss. A
deep passionate man kiss! And you'd be jealous if you saw but you
won't because you're dead and covered with blue airplane shit! So
jokes' on you, Alabama Hot Pocket!”
“Wow” Google says.
“That was detailed” Softy says.
“I can't help it. I'm special that way.”
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