Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Sh!t I Wish They Taught In School

Being a grown up sucks and can be a bag of dicks if you do it wrong. But it rules sometimes. Like when I can sit up in bed eating a bowl of cereal at 1am without anyone talking shit. But for the most part its a terrible series of tragedies that come one after another. If you are an adult and don't know someone with cancer, has had a childhood friend die, or been in a car accident I wonder how you can read this blog post from your shack in the woods.

This post will have nothing to do with giving tips on how to be an adult. Its just a list of shit that I wish they had taught in school. I mean, you would think that a prison that they make you go to from the ages of 5 to 18 from 7am till 3pm would take at least one day out of the week to explain to you how the world actually operates. Trust me. All the shit I learned about Prohibition, The Civil War, and the periodic tables don't mean shit to me unless I'm watching Jeopardy.

Mind you, not everyone has the issue that I'm gonna write about. If that is the case you can just move along now. Seriously. I won't hate you. I'm sure Buzzfeed has a totally interesting article about cats or some show that social justice warriors love. I'll be here talking to the rest of the uncivilized world about a few things they never bothered to cover in school.

How To Do Taxes

How in the fuck was this not covered?! This isn't something that you get to opt out of like car insurance in the 80's. As an adult you have to pay this shit or they take all your money or put you in a cage for years. Yet not one teacher ever pulled out a W2 and said “This is going to be your most hated enemy once a year for the rest of your living life.” Hell, even after you die taxes you left behind are a problem for your living relatives.

But seriously, how was this never taught in school? No matter how much you make or what you do this is something that you have to do. Correctly. For years I was doing my taxes wrong and getting happy when I got $300 back and confused when others got thousands. Turns out I was doing them wrong and the IRS has no obligation to say “Oh, dude. You totally have thousands owed to you.” You have to pay people to pay the people that take money that you were paid and if you don't pay or lie to them you pay even more. Oh. And you even pay taxes on unemployment. Welcome to adulthood!

How To Find A Job

You should have seen my half-assed resume when I was in school. I applied to The Wherehouse and the hours I had as available were ridiculous. It was like “I can work from 4pm till about 7:30pm because I don't want to get home too late and I still need time to play video games. And I can't work on weekends because...reasons.” Life isn't like in the movies where you walk into a shop, grab the help wanted sign, and then get hired. They want experience. What the fuck is experience?!

My problem is that I was being picky. I wanted certain hours. I didn't want to work weekends. I didn't want to work far. Your first job isn't about what you want to do. Its about getting enough money so that when school is over you can get the fuck away from your parents because they like to burst into your room while you're listening to music because they think you're on drugs but they're the ones on drugs and all I wanted to do was be left alone with my near suicidal thoughts! Sorry about that. My first job was mopping up shit and piss at the hospital and serving patients food. So yeah.

How To Buy A Home/Rent An Apartment

I was lucky(?) enough to be able to move in with a girlfriends family for two years a few months after getting out of high school. After her mother decided that my presence was no longer needed I had to find a place to live. Fast. I had already started looking for an apartment but was having no luck. Either the landlords were shitty or the places were trying to charge $1,200 for a single with a hotplate. There was no class that talked about the process of renting an apartment let alone buying a home. No talk of leases, renters rights, or fucking renters insurance which I didn't know existed until my fridge died and cooked all the food inside I had just purchased.

How Insurance Works

This year I got insurance after not having any for about seven years. Even when I had it I didn't use it. But fast forward to earlier this year and paying $950 for a root canal in cash I realized that I needed the shit. Later this year I got real insurance and not that Obama Care shit and went to the dentist. $1,400 later I realize that my insurance didn't cover what I needed done. Also, when I called about glasses I found out that getting glasses was not covered. Insurance is bullshit unless you are really poor or very rich. Or have, like, a good job. That helps too. But don't assume that because you have insurance you still can't go broke trying to fix a problem. 

How To Adult

Merriam-Webster defines adult as “fully grown and developed; mature and sensible: not childish.” By that definition I am not an adult. I'm grown fully but not developed. Still waiting on that chest hair. Mature to an extent. Very childish. In school it was more about teachers surviving the day trying to control animals than it was about creating responsible humans that would one day be in some sort of control of society. To me being an adult meant going to college, getting a job, having kids, then dying. There was fun involved but it had to revolved around your kids.

Fuck that.

I learned that most of what I did learn in school only worked socially meaning how to interact with a lot of people I didn't like. At work for example. I learned nothing about responsibility, finance, or my future in school. Lots of people go to college and universities and end up not even working in that field because there are no jobs or it was a bad choice to begin with. To me being an adult meant having enough money to be left alone when I wanted it. I've been good about that the last few years. But I know that soon I have to get a real job and have real duties. As for the kid part? Don't see that happening. Hell, gotta have a woman first! Teach that in school!

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