Monday, December 28, 2015

"Rehab: The Fake Tales of a Real Asshole" Season 2 Scene 6

I step outside and hiss. Saucy hands me some shades and I put them on. Beef is trying his best not to burst into tears. I feel oddly confident. Sure, we're about to play dodge ball with a bunch of Marines but things could be worse. I could be playing dodge ball with a bunch of Marines. Wait. That didn't come out right. Softy comes over and places her hand on my shoulder.

“How's the dick?” she asks. Saucy quickly walks away.

“Average I'd say, but surprisingly adequate” I tell her. “Don't believe me? Ask my stepmom.”

“Okay...” she says and walks away.

That big ass ant is over against a wall dodging side to side against an opponent I can't see. It sees me looking and waves. I don't wave back. It shrugs and continues. My hands begin shaking so I put them in my pocket.

“Beautiful day to die” Google says and begins doing what can only be described as those old school calisthenics. “But I've led a good life. I have very few regrets. That's all we can really ask for out of life when you think about it. What's with the sunglasses?”

“They make me look threatening” I tell him while I pull them down to the tip of my nose. “Maybe this'll scare those G.I Joe rejects enough to just not even bother attacking me. Like 'Oh, shit. Look at that guy. He's wearing bomb ass shades. No way am I throwing a ball at him.' Something like that.” Joseph walks by wearing the exact same shades. “Goddamn it.”

“You use the Lord's name in vain ever again and I'm going to stick your dick so far up your ass you'll have to yawn to take a piss” Joseph says low enough for just Google and I to hear.

“That's impossible” I tell him. “Like I just told Softy over there, my dick is rather average. No way could it even begin to reach my asshole let alone go all the way up in there. But thank you. Maybe its the shades. Suddenly everyone thinks I have a huge cock.” Joseph walks away.

“After the beating its taken lately I'm sure its rather large” Google says.

“Wanna find out?” I ask him. He laughs and walks away. This guy that looks about 19 going on 40 with too tight jeans and a tattered shirt walks up and smiles. I smile back. He frowns. “Hey.”

“They say the Marines that are coming today just got back from Baghdad” he says. “About twenty five of them all hungry for blood.”


“And after they leave some Army Rangers are coming” he finishes. “I heard about you. Huge crack problem. No judgment here. I think its cool to experiment.” He looks over my shoulder and then behind himself before continuing. “Also heard you slept with your friends mom. That's pretty cool. Been better if it were your stepmother.”

“It was” I tell him.

“Whoa” he says. “That's bananas.”

“Sure is, Bing” I call him. I'm calling him Bing because he has information like Google but it isn't quite right.

“Everyone stop talking” Mr. W. Scott says as he appears two feet next to me. Bing almost falls over himself getting away. “Today's physical activities will require team work which is something none of you have any experience with. Brave men and women that actually put their lives at risk for something other than themselves have been brought in today to push you to your limits.” Beef whimpers. “The next sound to escape your lips will be a death rattle if you interrupt me again.” He checks something off on his clipboard. “In case I need to remind you, which I am quite sure I do, if any of you are injured or killed during today's physical activities this facility is not responsible. No responsibility is something you are all used to. You nothings. We will start with the women. All of you, against the wall. Men, you shall not watch. Approach the wall over there and turn your backs. Now.”

We all rush over to the wall. I am in between Happy Hands and Saucy. Saucy takes a deep breath and laughs a bit. I peek over at him. I forgot. This guy is in great shape. He's not worried. The last thing I exercised was the right to a fair trial. Happy Hands sighs and takes hold of my hand. I snatch it away.

“I need support” he says.

“I'll touch anything but your hand” I tell him. Saucy laughs. “Jealous?”

“You're not my type” he says.

“What?!” I ask. “What's that supposed to mean?!”

“Speak again and you will feel aches in parts of your body that you did not know you had” Mr. W. Scott says in my ear. “Now let us begin! Thank you brave men and women for your service not only for this undeserving country but these rejects from hell. The women against that wall are not American citizens. Not today.” Fuck. He's saying this with his daughter being one of the people he's talking about. “They are the enemy. They are the faceless devil that hides in the desert. They who have killed your fellow brothers in sisters, whose blood stain the very deserts you have left behind. Show no mercy.”

“Sir, yes, sir!”

“Destroy them.”

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