Dante Teaches Men How To Be Men

Towards the end of the year I started seeing all these blogs and articles pop up telling men how to be men. Most of them were written by women which isn't surprising at all. You tend to hear the term “Be a man!” being tossed around and when you stop and look at the woman saying it, chances are its a very unhappy woman. Think about that for a second. There is not a strong, happy, or smart woman that will ever say those three words out loud. And in case you're wondering, there will be tons of generalizations made in this.

You may be asking yourself “Dante, how do you keep your legs looking so sexy?” or “Dante, what qualifies you to talk about how to be a man?”One, I walk everywhere. And two, I have a penis. Seriously. I do. It actually exists. Something I will never do is tell a woman to be a woman. Know why? Because I don't like getting slapped.

The lists telling men how to be men tend to be about how men need to treat women or how men need to dress. Or they are made by women who have a habit of dating bitch ass dudes who were raised by bitch ass father's or the women themselves had bitch ass father's that treated them badly so all they do is find these guys, date them (or Cthulhu forbid have kids with them!), and then think that all guys are like that. These women come at guys with preemptive strikes against them and their manhood. I have taken hits for men I've never even met as a boyfriend and that shit is never cool.

I've decided to compile my own list of ways for guys to learn how to be a man. Some of you may agree, many of you won't. Either way hopefully you will see yourself in this list and you're already doing some of these things or you are a woman reading this and see that being a guy isn't all about making more money and having the ability to piss wherever we want.

Pick Up Your Shit.

If you are over the age of 10 there is no reason why anyone should still be picking up or cleaning after you. Maybe when you were a kid mommy picked up after you, but at some point she should have stopped and you should have looked at your living space and realized that you were a fucking pig. Guys with dirty rooms tend to grow up to have dirty ass homes. If someone is making a surprise visit it shouldn't take you more than half an hour to get it presentable for others. Start small. Begin keeping the bathroom clean for a start. No one should be wiping a man's piss or shit up unless its their job and even then its still not cool. That used to be my job.

Besides having a house that you can be halfway proud of you will start to feel better. When your room or house looks like shit you will feel like shit. Even if the mess is really big just by doing something you will feel better. I have not always been as clean as I am now. I used to not brush my teeth, fuck flushing, ass wiping was for people who didn't have games to play outside, and lotion was for women. Then when I was 9 years old a switch flipped when I got out of bed. I used to never make my bed. But this day I looked at it, made it, made my brother's bed, and started just taking better care of my appearance. No matter how shitty other aspects of your life may be, just knowing that at least your house is clean will make you better than most people.

Learn To Control Yourself.

This means sexually and with drug use. Sexually, just because a woman is trying to put it on you does not mean that you have to do it. Before you start taking your pants off or before she does it for you because she's just a nice person that way think of what happens afterward. Those questions that you ask the next day need to begin to be right now questions. Do you plan on having a relationship with this person? Is this person with someone else? Are you using protection? Is she (or him)? Why are you even having sex? Is it just because you're hard? Or is it because you're drunk and/or high? There have been quite a few times where I stopped myself from messing around with someone because at least one of these questions popped into my head.

With drug use if you have to get high every single day then perhaps what you are using is not working or you need to consult a doctor. If your life is so hard that you need to constantly escape it through drugs then you need to either cash out or make drastic life changes. I remember smelling weed at work years ago and saying “We work in reality TV! This isn't hard!” Life is weird. We only have a short amount of time here. You really want to spend the time you have here stoned? I'm not saying that everyone should stop getting high. Knock yourself out. Literally. But when you start to get antsy because you haven't gotten high in a day or hours you have far larger problems. Learn to just deal with shit. Reward yourself with getting high later.

Drinking Is A Privilege Not A Right.

There is nothing worse than a guy that can't handle their liquor. We all know that one guy that drinks and becomes this person that you'd never hang around with. The one that gets hammered and wants to fight, yell, or fuck anything that has a hole. Just because you are 21 (or 18 in some places) does not automatically mean that you know how to drink responsibly. There is no instruction manual for getting drunk. And not everyone handles being drunk the same way. Some can have two beers and the next thing you know their shirt is off and women are keeping a safe distance. Then there are people like me that can drink a bottle of Jack Daniel's and carry on conversations with people. May not recall them later, but still.

I think I should add a set of rules I gave myself before I had my first drink at 22. Never drink when I feel bad. Never drink because a day was rough. Never put myself in a situation where a fight may happen when I am drinking. So far each of these have worked. I come from a family that has a history of alcoholism so even though I don't have the ability to have a hangover I know not to push it because though I may be shitfaced I can still function. And do I need to remind you not to drink at work, you fucking toddler?

Be Able To Carry A Conversation.

I am surprised when I come across people that don't know how to talk. If you have only one thing to talk about and are surrounded by people who have two and neither are yours, you're screwed. Though I don't get out all the time I still manage to be able to carry conversations with a lot of different types of people about a lot of things. Gossip, movies, politics, religion, some sports, and porn. I have been stuck (yes, stuck!) with a guy that couldn't talk about anything but one thing. That shit is torture. After he is done talking about that team he likes, that thing he did in college 20 years ago, or his job...that's the end of the conversation.

And by the way, guys, your job isn't interesting unless its interesting. We all know what is interesting. Thankfully I have worked in occupations that come with lots of stuff to discuss (porn shop, reality TV, pet stores, hospitals, moving corpses). But if you sit at a desk and don't talk to your co-workers your job is boring and you shouldn't bring it up at parties. If someone asks what you do just tell them and talk about something else. Hopefully something interesting. Otherwise be the quiet dude that listens to people who have things to talk about. Not everyone is the life of the party.

Hold Doors Open For Everyone.

Women aren't the only ones that need doors held open. Its cool that I see a lot of guys doing this more and more, but you young dudes are seriously slacking in this. Just because you can't possibly fuck this dude doesn't mean he won't appreciate having a door held open. Plus, it only takes a moment to do it. And since guys aren't used to this the way women are they will smile and say thank you.

Stop Trying To Be Your Dad/Grandfather.

The days of coming home, kicking your shoes off, ignoring the kids, and waiting for dinner to be made are dead. Or should be. Some guys look back at those days as great and wish that they could do them all over again. I bet you there are some that feel the same about slavery. It turns out that these poor women were married to these fucking cavemen and stayed with them for us, the children. That doesn't fly anymore. As a man you shouldn't even want to be with a woman that will do everything you want and ask her to do. You should want a woman that is actually your partner and a good person. No, it won't hurt if she has great lips. But still. You aren't your dad. And why would you want to be? He's kind of a dick.

Wash Your Ass.

Look at your nails. How are they holding up? A grown ass man should not still be chewing his nails. I'm not saying you should be heading to the salon every month or anything, but clean your goddamn nails. Keep them clean. Seriously. Look at them! Do you think a woman wants your sharp, jagged nails inside of her?! If your lady had jacked up hands I bet you'd say something. It works both ways. And make sure you use lotion. I get made fun of because I hate being ashy. Whatever. It doesn't feel good. You shouldn't be okay with having dry, cracked skin.

Also, handle your crotchal region. You can't be one of those guys that demands a woman takes care of herself down there and turn around and have Sasquatch dick. Handle it. Make sure you wash your ass properly, too. If you don't you're just being rude. While you're at it please keep your toenails clean. I know this may sound like a lot of work but it wouldn't be if you had started years ago.