Kids These Days 69

Sometimes there are stories that I find out about and it just makes me want to interview the perpetrator or the parents of them and just ask “How come? What can I do to make sure none of my friends kids turn out like you?” I also think there are some crimes where instead of jail I suggest an island where they are given backpacks with various weapons and they fight for survival. A “battle royale” if you will. Either way, this 17 year old girl Lestina Marie Smith is a great candidate for my island idea. She is charged with raping a man. You hear that? It was the sound of thousands of men and women rolling their eyes. Yes, it makes a sound.

So Lestina—by the way. Watch what the hell you name your kids. Anyhoot, Lestina, from Michigan, raped a guy 19 year old guy at knife point. At knife point she made him give her oral sex and regular sex. She has been charged with two first degree felony criminal sexual assault charges. If she is convicted, which she should be, she can get life in prison. Even if she gets off on one charge she can still do life. Of course ignorant ass people are questioning whether or not a man can be raped. Let me just grab some random comments from people on Facebook and the dumb shit they are saying.

Click Bait Rape Story

When I first heard about this story every single post I saw had one of two pictures of this chick with the headline saying something like “Woman arrested for raping man!” Now, when you look at that picture and that title you think one of a few things. If you're stupid you think a woman can't rape a man. You may also think that she is cute and if you have pretty much no morals you wouldn't mind being raped by her. Or if you're like me you decided to read up on this a little more and saw that this was a deceptive ass picture. This is not a recent picture!

26 year old Chantae Marie Gilman of Seattle was arrested for raping a 31 year old man as he slept after breaking into his apartment back in July on 2013. She has pleaded not guilty of course but copped to second degree assault and third degree attempted rape.

The guy that was attacked didn't know her but knew that she was someone a neighbor knew and was a known drug user in the neighborhood. Not a good thing to be known for. When he woke up with her on top of him he told her to get off and she replied “Be quiet” while pinning his arms down over his head. This is not a small woman. He was able to wriggle his way from under her as she asked for a cigarette and he threw one at her crazy ass. Less than 24 hours later called police and did the whole rape kit deal.

At the time of this assault she was eight months pregnant with her fifth child. During a police interview she couldn't remember how she got into the guys house or having sex with him. She also said she suffered from psychosis and bipolar disorder.

What People Care About This Week: Bill Cosby Rape Allegations

You ever have one of those situations in life or a series of events that happened that you had hoped was gone and no one would bring up again? I'm sure Bill Cosby does. For the past few weeks his history of rape allegations has been front and center in his life and while it was known by the public for quite some time it didn't come to the forefront again until a stand up routine by comedian Hannibal Buress where he made this statement.

“And it's even worse because Bill Cosby has the fucking smuggest old black man public persona that I hate. Pull your pants up, black people. I was on TV in the '80s. I can talk down to you because I had a successful sitcom. Yeah, but you raped women, Bill Cosby. So, brings you down a couple notches. I don't curse on stage. Well, yeah, you're a rapist, so, I'll take you sayin' lots of motherfuckers on Bill Cosby: Himself if you weren't a rapist. I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns. I've done this bit on stage, and people don't believe. People think I'm making it up. That shit is upsetting. If you didn't know about it, trust me. You leave here and Google ‘Bill Cosby rape.' It's not funny. That shit has more results than Hannibal Buress.”

Since then it has resulted in shows canceling interviews with Cosby, more allegations or various forms of sexual misconduct, the cancellation of an upcoming Netflix series, and interviews that are uncomfortable for everyone except the interviewer because this stuff gets views and attention. I think the interviews bother me because it is the perfect example of the “gotcha media” that Sarah Palin's crazy ass used to complain about.

Man Raped By Fake Romanian Angelina Jolie

A terrifying monster claiming to be an Angelina Jolie look alike was arrested for the rape and stabbing of a man in Romania. Luminita Perijoc, 31, said in court that she was on medication when she committed this shit. By the way, Erf. Be careful because “I am on medication” or “I forgot to take my medication” is the new “I was drunk and can't be held responsible for my actions.” The victim, Nicolae Stan, also 31, a cab driver was delivering wine to her home when she held him at knife point. Hmm. Sounds fishy. This all occurred in 2012 but just now wrapped up because everyone in that country is a vampire and night court moves slowly. It's all “Your honor, bleh!” this and “I object, bleh!” that. Stan showed up at Luminita's place when she whipped a four inch blade on him. I whipped a four inch blade on a girl once. She laughed at me. And by blade I mean my dick. And by my dick I mean this never happened.

So she undressed him and demanded that he go down on her. And by go down on her I mean oral sex. And by oral sex I mean he was forced fed poontang pie. I don't know about you but I am cracking myself up writing this. Anyhoot, after she got her rocks off she forced him to bone her two times. He couldn't get it up for a third session so she got made and stabbed him a few times. Listen, ladies. Not to sound crude or anything but the dick don't always work that way. Just because you're hot and even when we want to have the sex, that doesn't mean its gonna always get up. I have heard so many women say “No man has ever had a problem getting it up for me!” Read about my wangs adventures here! 

Good for you because the day it happens (and believe me, it will) you will cry tears of confusion and rage. Its science. Maybe he needed to rest a minute. Lucretia McEvil wasn't having none of that and Stan escaped to the bathroom where he was able to call police. 

Shit Just Got Real 15

You ever have some shit get so real that you pass out in court? Richard Thomas, 27, of Leigh, Great Manchester did when he found out that his life may end differently than he may have anticipated. This asshole raped a woman last year after breaking into her house while she was asleep. Many stories that have reported this leave out the fact that the victim had taken a sleeping pill and was out of it while this occurred. Thomas himself had been drinking and taking drugs the night he did this. And likely the night before and after since he has a history of drug use since he was 11. Thanks to Dashuh for sending me this story. Encourage me to write like she does, people!

Thomas was convicted of this rape even though he says that he doesn't remember doing it. He was sentenced to 5 years and four months in jail which is not even close to enough time for a crime like this. The prosecutor stated “She froze and no words were exchanged. He pulled up his shorts and left.” BBC News reports that Thomas had known that the woman he raped was sick but he didn't know with what.

Shit is about to get real real real fast.