Words With Dante

There are certain words I don’t like for a multitude of reasons. Some are words that are too difficult to write and others are just stupid sounding to me. You should know by now which words I enjoy because no matter how much I sit here and type there are words you will continuously see from me. Click here to see some of them.

Below is a list of some words that make me squint in annoyance or just flat out bug the shit out of me. Hopefully you wont expect to find logic in these because, well, this is me we’re talking about.

Time For Breasts!

A couple weeks back Time Magazine had an image of a 20-something year old mother breastfeeding her 3 year old son on their cover. There’s only two reasons why they would do something like this. They need more people buying the magazine or they want dudes getting excited about seeing titties on the cover of a nationally published magazine.

“They’re just breasts!” some woman that doesn’t know any better is saying right now. Let me tell you ladies something. Dudes love looking at boobs. It doesn’t matter if a child is hanging from the end of them. We will CGI that kid right out of the way and imagine we’re there. Hell, breastfeeding is its own category in porn!

"Teenage Dirtbag" Part 2

Camaro rarely read newspapers or watched the news on television. It would have been redundant seeing as how his aunt Stacy would give him full detailed recaps of what he already knew first hand. So as the sun shone through the kitchen curtains he stirred his tea and slowly ate his oatmeal (plain, no sugar no fruit) as Stacy read aloud.

“’Student’s were shocked to arrive to school today’” she began. “’Instead of the daily grind of homework, cramming for tests, and finding a date for prom they were greeted with smoldering ash and dozens of questions.’ Who writes this kind of garbage? ‘One badly shaken student, Harriet Thornburg, was quoted as saying, ‘This is the worst day of my life!’” Stacy laughed until she started coughing. She looked over at Camaro who stared at her unblinking. “Isn’t Harriet the girl you’re dating?”

“I have seen her on multiple occasions outside of school, yes” Camaro replied. Stacy waved her hand at him in a “Continue…” motion. “Elaboration is not necessary.” Stacy sighed.

“You’re no fun” she said as she placed the newspaper on the table and ruffled his hair. “How did the mission go?”

Five Things I Learned Working At A Mailroom

George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?

Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.

George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman: Sometimes.

Jerry: Why is that?

Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming. There's never a letup, It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more, but the more you get out, the more it keeps coming. And then the bar code reader breaks. And then it's Publisher's Clearinghouse day!

That’s a quote from Seinfeld in case you were wondering. I’ve worked a few jobs and each of them was very different from the other. From selling porn, moving corpses, to working at pet stores. I like to think that I retain information from each of them that helps me in the next. Yeah. I like to think that.

Till this day my favorite job has been the mailroom. I know that sounds weird but it was a very mentally fulfilling job that I was supposed to temp at for two weeks and ended up being at for nine months. It was located downtown on the 55th floor aka The Basement In The Sky. Here’s some things I learned while there.

Five Things I Learned Working At A Porn Shop

This is an update from my WeHo blog. First off I need to thank Josh Smith for giving me this idea. I have made a list of five things that you may or may not know about porn shops. Some of them are bad and some of them are…fucking terrifying. So the next time you head to grab some porn (which means you don’t have the internet and makes me wonder how you are reading this) think of these five things.

People have told me that they think its a lot of fun and that I must see some really interesting things. The word "interesting" is never used in a good way. So, yes, working in a porn shop is very interesting.

Dante Rages Against Bicycles

I hate people on bicyclists. No, not all of them. Many of them. Most of them. Why? I’ll get to that soon enough. I just need to point out that I don’t drive nor do I ride a bike. I know I’ll have to drive at some point and I plan on getting a bike for work. But before any of that happens let me bitch.

I know that we’re all supposed to share the road. Supposed to. Of course that doesn’t happen. There’s an order to this as there is with anything in life. I as a pedestrian know that I’m at the very bottom of this totem pole.

Future Fail: How Come I Ain't Got A Space Shuttle?!

You know why Balok is laughing? Because its 2012 and we ain’t got no flying cars. Seriously, that is some depressing ass shit right there. By this point I should be all futurized. I know someone is saying “You don’t even want a cell phone so how can you complain?!” to which I’ll reply “Shut your hole, Susie! Men are talking!”

Plus, how you don’t know that the fact that technology wise we aren’t where we were promised we would be hasn’t scarred me? Maybe I don’t trust it since it lied to me in the form of movies and television and magazines. Right now all’s we have are monkey ass space shuttles that look like a nuclear bomb is going off when they launch.

Dante Saves You: Being On A Spaceship Edition

I know I’ve tried to teach you how to fend off all kinds of things ranging from killer clowns, to monsters, to aliens. But at some point you may end up on a spaceship. Whether its by choice or not doesn’t really matter. Your ass is now on a spaceship and you need to know how to survive on it.

When I think of spaceships three types come to mind. Small ones, big ass ones, and fucking Earth Rapers. I’m gonna show you how to behave and even win if you happen to end up on one of these sons of bitches. Most of you will make it back to Earth. Like…the important parts of you. Meaning your genitals. Its time to save you from Being On A Spaceship!

Dante's Ugly Green Outfit

I was talking to Munkey earlier about bad outfits that we have worn and the repercussions involved in such activities. Wow. That sounded way fancier than I planned. I mean, you’d think I passed English class flawlessly writing sentences like that. I should’ve thrown in a “verily!” or two. Anyhoot, bad outfits.

One day my mother got me and my brother some windbreakers. You know. Those kind that old women wear when they’re power walking or super cute girls can get away with wearing. That’s it. No one else can wear these and seem right in the head. So of course I wore one to school. I believe I was about 11 or 12 when this nonsense occurred.

Dante Is A Bad Hostage

The image above is what we usually picture when we picture terrorists. Especially in 80’s films. Now they come in all shapes and sizes to represent equality and all that business. I was just reading this article about this poor bastard that was captured by a group and has begged President Obama to rescue him and give in the demands of his captures.

As always the line given back is “We don’t negotiate with terrorists.” I like to imagine myself in a lot of random ass situations that will never happen. Being a slave. Being a cop. Or this time being held hostage. Now, I know I’m not a good bargaining chip as comedian Dave Chappelle once pointed out. But for the sake of this blog let’s imagine that I was captured and ended up on the radar of the media and in turn the President.

Dante Doesn't Like Rihanna

Rihanna performed on Saturday Night Live yesterday. And it continues to puzzle me that she gets called to perform live. She isn’t good. This isn’t a case of me just not liking certain things which I do all the time. I hate sand, Ugg boots, and flat asses in yoga pants. I don’t like Rihanna because there is nothing about her that makes a good performer.

Yeah. This is performing.

Her dances are awkward. I know its supposed to be sexy. There’s a girl wearing very little and aiming her vagina at me while making sounds come out of her mouth. But whenever I look at her I can feel the giant question mark popping up over my head. She’s not good at what she allegedly does. Am I the only person that feels this way? I cant be.

Dante Saves You: Super Powered Nuts Edition

In previous Dante Saves You blogs I’ve tried to help you against aliens, monsters, psychos, and even vampires. This time I’ll try to help you against the one thing you’d think you wouldn’t have to worry about: Super Powered Nuts.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Dante, your eyebrows look great! Surely you must pluck them!” or “Heroes are here to save us, so why would we need you to save us from them?” to which I’ll say “Have you seen a movie lately?!” Heroes almost always do as much harm as good. So sit back and let me try to save your monkey ass life.

Five Things I Learned Working At A Hospital

In a previous blog (click here to check it out) I talked about things that you may not know form working at a pet store. In this one I want to talk about working in a hospital. Now, this is something that runs in my family. My grandmother did it, my aunts did it, my father does it, my brother did it, and I even found out a few years back that my mother did it. That is a mental image I cherish for all the wrong reasons.

I know there are people that work in hospitals and have a great time and love their jobs and go home all like “I saved someone’s life today” or “I just made someone feel less pain.” And that’s groovy. Though I did have some nice experiences at the hospital it was a daily exercise in not beating people up.

Kentucky Fried Parenting

Some mother in New Jersey named Patricia Krentcil is in trouble for allegedly taking her 5 year old daughter into a tanning booth. Now, in NJ that shit is illegal until you’re 14 but this mother is like “Fuck law!” and wants her red haired child to get a tan. Do I even need to begin to say how dangerous that is for a red head?!

Nothing like a mother that looks like a Double-Down sandwich.

Krentcil says that, yes, she brought her daughter with her but that she didn’t get a sunburn from that since she is lying and saying she never let her use the tanning booth. “I tan, she doesn't tan” Krentcil said on NBC. “I’m in the booth, she’s in the room. That's all there is to it.” Lies! All lies! Especially seeing as how a teacher asked what happened after seeing scars on the girl and she said it was from tanning. Krentcil says it was from gardening.

"Prettier Than You" Episode 9

In this episode Pretty Ricky answers questions provided by Trixie. Click here to see past "Prettier Than You" shows.