Dante vs. Nature 9

I live in the mean city. The streets. Its rough here in the city what with the crime, the murder, the lack of women in West Hollywood, and the dangers of slipping on a used condom. But one thing I don’t have to worry about too much is fucking Mother Nature losing her grip on reality and unleashing beasts upon me.

But every so often nature does go off its rocker and I have to see a wild animal. They’re small in size but still make their presence known in various ways. Some its through sound. Some its through actions. And some fly overhead and shit on everything in their path. I give you…city nature!

Skunks.

"I juz wantz tu cuddls!"

“Skunks (in the United States, occasionally called polecats) are mammals best known for their ability to secrete a liquid with a strong, foul odor. The most notorious feature of skunks is their anal scent glands, which they can use as a defensive weapon. Skunks have two glands, one on each side of the anus. The Centers for Disease Control recorded 1,494 cases of rabies in skunks in the United States for the year 2006, about 21.5% of reported cases in all species.”

"I'm gonna fuck your day up. Promise."

Polecat my ass. The only thing I call polecats are strippers. And even they smell better than these sumbitches. You cant drive near Griffith Park without smelling these punk ass things. They get crushed more often than a midget doing BBW porn. And why spray ass juice as a weapon? Oh, that’s right. Because they are blind ass shit! They see ten feet. That’s. It.

Squirrels.

That tingle was your heart exploding from too much goddamn cuteness.

“Squirrels typically have slender bodies with bushy tails and large eyes. Their fur is generally soft and silky, although much thicker in some species than others. The hind limbs are generally longer than the fore limbs, and they have four or five toes on each foot. Their paws on their fore feet include a thumb, although this is often poorly developed.”

Even in squirrel form they're still nerds.

People like to act like these are baby cats or something. No. They are rats with cuter features. It’d be like, I don’t know, putting feathers on a pig. Yeah, it’d look better but it would still be a damned pig. The squirrels over in UCLA are no joke either. They’re as aggressive as dudes at clubs in Hollywood. And picky about what you give them!

Feral Pigeons.

Open wide!

“Feral pigeons (Columba livia) are derived from domestic pigeons that have returned to the wild. The domestic pigeon was originally bred from the wild Rock dove, which naturally inhabits sea-cliffs and mountains. Feral pigeons find the ledges of buildings to be a substitute for sea cliffs, and have become adapted to urban life and are abundant in towns and cities throughout much of the world.”

"Oh, you gon' give me yo conebread!"

Fuck these things in the neck. That’s not a suggestion. It’s a threat. A strange one, yes, but apropos. I finally searched online and saw what a baby pigeon looked like since I never saw one in real life. Ugly as all get out! And they synchronize shitting on people. I say wipe every one of them out…but no one listens. When his thing says they are “abundant” it means “there are millions more of these damned things than there needs to be!” And we all know that "feral" is just Spanish for "kill without guilt."