Liquor Is Quicker

I was a late bloomer in every sense of the word. I got tall late. I drank late. I smoked late. I partied late. Not that its really a bad thing. By the time I had just started drinking everyone else had been doing it by their mid teens. I started all of this at 22.

The first alcoholic drink I ever had was some strawberry champagne. It tasted horrible. I then graduated to Mike’s Hard Lemonade or Smirnoff Ice. These things have 5% alcohol and after two of them I would be lit. Yeah, I was that much of a lightweight. Next came Corona’s, Heineken’s, and Bud. The funny thing with regular ass beer is that all it does it make me have to piss a lot or horny. I had wine a few times with mixed results. Sometimes it tasted so bad it did nothing since I couldn’t finish the glass. Other times it made me so mellow and all I would do is wanna sit and ramble about life or hours. It was the verbal equivalent to my blogs. Then one day I met hard liquor.

One day at a bar, The Short Stop in Echo Park, I had been waiting forever to get a damned drink. Thankfully the bartender, an attractive chick that was always getting hit on, spotted my big Black head and asked what I wanted.

“Gin and tonic!” I shouted/mumbled as I am ought to do.

She handed it to me and I tipped her too much. Yes, I had a reputation for being very polite and tipping well without ever hitting on her. And so the gay rumors continue. Anyway, I get to a table and watch everyone dancing. At this point I had finally danced, usually with the pack of females I ran with (gay…?), but that night they were busy hooking up and had no interest dancing with their “safe” friend. I had one sip and it was like that episode of The Simpson’s where Homer eats that baking soda out of the fridge. Why had I been wasting time with beer, wine, and all that other crap? Liquor is quicker.

From that day on I would get nothing but hard drinks. Not all places made good gin and tonics so I started thinking of all the crap I heard in moves. Vodka on ice. Martini. Red Bull and vodka. And then I met my new best friend, Jack Daniels. I had that with an old pal Coke and it blew my mind! I swore by it and that’s all I would get. One day I had Bailey’s with Jaegermeister (my friend Heidi turned me on to this) and it tasted so good I forgot I was drinking two strong ass things combined. I got lit.

A while ago my lady told me about something called Bacardi 151. She said it was crazy. I was like, “Please. I do shots of vodka. Seven being the most in a sitting. One night I drank two cups of vodka, three beers, a pint of Jack, and two cups of sangria. I can handle anything!” Mind you, I threw up that night but I blame that on hearing an ex’s voice. So she buys this 151 and I took a sip and my lips burst into flames. This stuff was made with the sweat from the Devil’s taint I tell’s ya! 75% proof. One shot and you’re cool for the rest of the night.

One cool thing about my drinking is that I don’t get hangovers. Even on that night where I threw up I got home in a cab, threw up blood, and woke up fine a few hours later and ate some cereal. I ask people what hangovers are like and it sounds like my headaches in junior high. Whatever. I can handle it if it ever happens. Booze can be fun to drink but make rules for yourself. My rules are:

1. No drinking while upset.

2. No drinking after a bad day.

3. Be mindful of who you drink around.

Rockets.