Johnny Panic: With Great Power Comes Absolutely No Responsibility

A while back my best friend Zazz told me about trying to be a more responsible person. I laughed at him because he had more credit card debt than anyone I knew and I knew and still know a lot of people. I mean, come on. I'm Johnny Panic. But he brought this responsibility shit up because I stopped a robbery Downtown and he said that I caused more harm than good.

“That doesn't even make sense” I told him. “You are making no sense. Nonsense. You're being nonsensical.”

“I never should've given you that word of the day calender” he sighed.

“Because it would indubitably bite you in the ass?” I asked him.

“Look” he said while we stood around watching workers repair the giant hole in the ground I made to stop an armored truck from driving off with a lot of cash. A lot for most people but pocket change for me. Because, well, you know. “You aren't even listening are you?” Zazz asked.

“Of course I was” I tell him. “I wish Small Wonder was back on the air, too.” I smile and he shakes his head at me. “You know what ever happened to the chick that played the robot? She was hot. You think she's dead? Or on drugs? Yeah. Drugs for sure.”

“I was saying that you cost the city about $60,000 in damages to fix this hole while there was only $50,000 in the armored car.”

“Truck.”

“What?”

“It's an armored truck” I tell him.

“What difference does it make?!”

“A big difference” I say. He just stares at me. People get lost in my eyes sometimes. I did once. Didn't eat for two days. “If the police called and said 'Hey, Sexiest Man Alive six years running? There is an armored car that was stolen' I would've let this armored truck just drive right by me because I would've been looking for a car. Not a truck.”

“I like to think you're smarter than that” Zazz says.

“And I'd like to think that Cheeto's will bring back their bacon flavor but sometimes we don't get what we want” I say. “We get what we need.”

“Are you quoting Rolling Stones at me?”

“I don't read that magazine” I remind him. I don't know how many times we've had this talk.

“The band, not the magazine” he says.

“There's a band with the same name as the magazine?” I ask him. “That seems way too confusing.”

“The point of all of this is that you need to start being more careful when you help” he tells me. “You can't make more damage than you're trying to stop.”

“I don't get it.”

“Okay” he says and sighs like a little old lady. “The money in the armored truck for instance, right?” I nod. “What they were trying to steal cost less than what it is costing the city to repair the hole you made when you decided to dive bomb into the ground. Understand?”

“I think so” I lie to him. I was thinking about this reporter I saw on the news earlier this morning that had on a sheer black top and white bra.

“You're thinking of that reporter again, aren't you?”

“Yes” I say. “But I'm listening. So what you're saying is that instead of making a hole in the ground and costing the city money, I should've just killed those guys instead?”

“That isn't even close to what I'm saying!”

“Then speak English!”

“Stop breaking so much shit, you lunatic! Sheesh!” Zazz sweats when he screams. It's funny. “You're not a goon! You can't just break things because you can! It isn't cool!”

“Are you hungry?” I ask him. “You tend to get upset when you're hungry. Being fat and all.”

“I'm not fat” he says. “Don't laugh.”

“I'm not laughing” I say as I turn away from him because if I keep looking at him sweating and obviously hungry I'll start laughing. “Zazz? I promise to stop breaking things so much.” I would hug him or put my hand on his shoulder but he is sweating.

“Yeah, you will” he says. “Just try not to break so much stuff.”

“Starting with your mother's heart.”

“Yes” he says. “Starting with my mother's—what?”

“You know what my favorite Rolling Stone's song is?” I ask him as I lift from the ground. “The one about the green submarine.”

“That's the Beetle's and its a yellow submarine” Zazz lies to me.

“Now who's being ludicrous?” I ask him.

“I'm burning that calender as soon as we get back home.”

Click here to read Johnny Panic: Panic In K-Town.