No Awkward Hugs

I'm a good hugger. Damn it. I'm built for a good hug. I'm not bony and pointy so I won't jab you with anything (unless that's what you're into). My arms are inches longer than they need to be for my body so I can anaconda squeeze the shit out of you. A month or so ago I hugged someone and it was one of the most awkward hugs I've ever gotten and I take no responsibility for it.

This was a girl I was hugging. This was not a dating situation. I wasn't trying to get in her pants and she wasn't trying to get into mine. Just hanging out and having food. Yayness abound. We had never hugged before and I'm not a presumptuous hugger. I'm not gonna assume that since I am hanging out with someone that I'm gonna hug them. I shake hands. I'll shake the shit out of a hand. Ask Camille. When we first hung out years ago I went for a handshake, she laughed at me, and gave me a hug. I never grew up getting hugs so that much physical contact is still new to me even after years of now getting them. But it turned out I'm a natural.

So natural...

Now with this hug gone awry I started to pull the arm up for the handshake. Again, not a presumptuous hugger. She came in too close and if I kept raising my hand I would've slapped boob so I counter and bring myself down a bit because I am taller than most of my friends. Our shoulders hugged. That is the best way to describe it. I even got my back pat. It was just bizarre. I hadn't had a bad hug in so long it took me a minute to recover. If this were a boxing match the referee would've been holding my gloves up against his stomach and asking “Can you continue?” and I would've been nodding yes on wobbly legs.

Jesus take the wheel!

As the night went on and it was time to part ways I got an even more awkward hug at the end of the night. Another shoulder hug, no back pat, with a nod given on my shoulder. I started laughing as soon as we were done. I had the same reaction I had when I got a terrible blowjob like “This still exists?” There's nothing like rage quitting a blowjob.

There are a shit-ton ways to hug people. Hugging is an intimate thing depending on how you do it. Sex could be considered a 10. Head nod, like, “I am acknowledging your existence” is a 1. I like the head nod and have noticed that depending on the race of the person my head moves in different ways. If the person is Black or Latino I'll nod up like “Wassup?” in a non-confrontational way. If they are White I'll nod down like “Good day to you.” Its weird but its totally a thing.

Depending on the age of the Black person, likely a guy, that you choose to shake hands with you better be prepared for a workout. Typically known as the Soul Brother Handshake it involves a series of slaps, pulls, and pounds. Its fun if you can do it. The longest one I ever had was with a co-worker at the hospital years back that lasted a minute and I wasn't even looking at him! He cheered, some nurses got mad, and we had to leave the floor we were hanging out on. If you ever get into a SBH moment just let it happen. Your body will know what to do.

When I am hugging someone for the first time its gonna be soft. My head goes to their right shoulder, hands and arms mid-back, quick squeeze, release. With friends its the same but the squeeze is longer and there's gonna be some sorta sound attached. If its someone I like we are both facing forward, my hands are all over that ass, and kissing is involved. If I'm not quite sure how you feel about me I'll go for your neck. This has only happened twice and I didn't get slapped so that's cool.

People out there please stop giving awkward hugs.