Friday, July 18, 2014

Kids These Days 40

Growing up I was exposed to a lot of different candies, some of which no longer exist for social, health, or political reasons. I was watching a bunch of food clips from Buzzfeed (and have now developed a crush on a few of the women on there) and it got me to thinking about the strange Mexican candy I ate when I was a young boy. These are five of the ones that I managed to not only eat consistently but despite all the lead and asshole destroying ingredients managed to survive.

Limon. Guess the ingredients of this one. If you said salt, then you are correct! Well, with some lime flavoring. With more salt. Till this day I'm not sure what was the purpose of eating these. And I would eat packs and packs of these. Licking them off my filthy 1980's kid hands or when I felt like shortening my lifespan I would just dump the whole packet into my mouth. My heart rate would speed up, my mouth would go dry, I'd clutch my chest. This candy gave you all the side effects of a major organ failing yet I would keep on eating it. Sometimes I would mix the yellow and green packets together, raise one to the sky, and challenge god to a duel. Your move, holy man. There were some kids that would mix this with sugar. I forget what we used to call those kids. Oh, that's right. Pussies. You eat your lime salt straight or get the fuck out of my neighborhood!

Saladitos. These were just salted prunes. I would pay good money to buy a bag of salted prunes and eat the whole thing. Then I would wash it down with Kool Aid because my body refused to die. They also had these with chile powder on them which tasted way better but would run out faster and I'd be left with these. The seed was still inside so you had to make sure you weren't one of those dumb kids that just bit into things quickly. You could hold it with your fingers and peel the layer of salty prune skin that was the consistency of an old lady's knuckles or you could just pop the whole thing into your mouth and power your way through it and spit the seed on the sidewalk because that was a thing in the 80's. Seriously. The ground was filthy in the 80's. Recycling didn't even exist. It was something hobos did to buy ripple. I doubt I'd eat these if someone gave them to me today.

Spoon Tamarind. This was the delicious tamarind flavored candy but placed on a spoon for your convenience. Guess where the spoon ended up? That's right! On the ground. I would sit on my Grandmama's porch scraping this goo off of a spoon while my eyes rolled into the back of my head. This was good. After struggling to get the rubber band off and making sure you removed every bit of that plastic that is used on no other product on the planet and then go to town. This one didn't jack up your heart (as far as I know) but you would not be tasting anything else until it wanted you to. Your tongue would be coated in a thin layer of Mexican goodness. I have an ex I used to describe that way. If you were smart after you were done with the candy you and your friends could play Spoons. If you know what that game was chances are I'd put a baby in you, male or female. If someone stuck a spoon that looked like this into your face you would slap the shit out of them.

Tamarind Tube. Oh, now this was the business. I had one of these a few years ago and it tasted just as good as when I was little. After popping the top off I would either place this on a flat surface or if you were feeling powerful your bare hands and just shove it out and wrap your lips around the tip. If you were one of those kids that liked to share you would have your friends wipe their dirty ass fingers across the top and get their tamarind on. Oh, and when the pump reached the top the fun didn't stop. You would take the white part that you used to push the tamarind to the tip and then suck the leftover stuff off. And then...use your finger to remove whatever was left on the inside. This was a candy that didn't have an ending. Could you imagine if you were eating ice cream and after you finished someone tapped you on the shoulder and handed you another cone? You'd eat it and love it. Just looking at this picture makes my hands sweat. 

Vero Mango. This is the holy grail of candy. You had salty. You had spicy. You had a mango flavored center that actually tasted like mango that doubled as a knife. I'm shocked that I didn't lose half of my tongue from these things. Impatient ass kids would just bite right to the mango part totally ignoring the amazing chile that covered it. This candy, while tasty, would destroy your mouth. Your tongue would feel like you have been eating sand paper. The roof of your mouth would lose all sensation. But it was worth it just to get to that sweetness that would have you bouncing off the walls. Many children that played in traffic on 47th & Central were fueled by Mexican candy. I'm pretty sure that this candy wasn't safe for pregnant women, old people, or folks with preexisting medical conditions. I would get lazy and tuck it into the inside of my cheek not realizing that I was being eaten alive. Not sure what they ingredients in this were but I'm pretty sure “Hellfire” was one. In closing, you should try all of these at some point. For less than $5 you can get bags of all of these at the ice cream truck.

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