There are a lot of things I'm not good
at handling. Someone getting more attention than me, birds, and dirty
pillowcases. I mean, honestly. How hard is it to wash a damned
pillowcase?! That is one of the few things that separate us from the
animals yet there are millions of people that wash them maybe once a
year. If that. Oh, and another thing I'm not good at handling is
drugs. Oh, you should see me when I'm on drugs. Well, you probably
did. It was impossible to miss it. Shit was all over TV. I tried my
best to not let anything crazy happen, but as the French
say...whoops.
So I was hanging out with Toro and
Zazz. Zazz as you know is my best friend and has problems with his
food intake. Toro is this awesome ass guy I met years ago in Spain.
He is a normal guy but is really strong. Not as strong as me because
that's impossible but strong for a, like, person. He fights crime
when he feels like it and bangs all kinda models because he can. One
day while chilling in Australia, like we do, he told me about this
crazy ass stuff that the native people smoked. Zazz, of course, said
it was a bad idea.
“Remember when you smoked that pot
Josh Hartnett gave you and flew to the South Pole looking for Santa
Claus?” he asked. Of course I remembered.
“Of course I remember” I tell him.
“There wasn't shit there let alone Santa. Another lie my mother
told me…”
“Well” he continued “this stuff
is supposed to make you have visions.”
“True” Toro said. “This stuff is
muy powerful, Johnny. I'm not sure if you can handle it” he said
with a smile. Son of a bitch knew that I hated challenges. Zazz
sighed because he could see what Toro was doing. And I could see that
Zazz could see what Toro was doing for me to see. I was being
Inception'd!
“I'm gonna smoke all of it!” I
shouted. Before they could snatch it from me I used my powerful lungs
and inhaled the entire thing in moments.
“Breathe it out slowly…” Toro
warned me. I nodded and slowly spent the next four minutes expelling
smoke. I felt like the world's sexiest choo-choo train.
“You're an asshole” Zazz said.
“What if we want to have visions?”
“Why would you?” I asked him. “You
already know what Denny's looks like at 3 in the morning.”
“You promised you weren't following
me!”
“Anyways” I say. “I think I saved
you two a lot of trouble because I'm not...feeling…” I felt the
world flip upside down. Now, in hindsight I realize that what I did
was irresponsible. I'm in no way telling the kids of the world to do
drugs. But hopefully if they don't do what I did and do what I
should've done then they will do what they do when they don't do what
I did. Because what I did was insane.
“You okay?” Toro asked me.
“Your name means bull!” I shouted
at him. He started laughing. “I get it! And you, like, run through
things...like a bull!” Zazz reached for me and I grabbed his wrist
making him scream like a girl. “And Zazz! You name is ass...with a
Z. It doesn't make sense.”
“I think you should try and sleep
this one off” Zazz told me. Well, he told me that's what he said
because at this point I don't remember anything except waking up in
Africa. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I felt like I had to do
something so first I dug a hole about ten feet deep and eight feet
wide. Toro says that I told them that it would be where our new
clubhouse would be.
“We can have a bathroom right here!”
I said while pointing to a small rock. “And a living room over
there with a tasteful comforter. Nothing too big. Oh! And here's
where the baby's bassinet can go with...” At this point in time I
hadn't even had a child yet. The ground started to feel like syrup so
I started to fly.
“No!” Zazz shouted at me like I was
a bad dog. “You do not fly!”
“We can all fly, Zazz!” I tell him.
“All you have to do is believe! Do you believe?!” Before he could
answer I launched him into the sky and started singing “Rich Girl”
by Hall & Oates. “Look at him, Toro! He believes in himself!”
“You need to go get him, Johnny”
Toro said.
“But he looks like he's having so
much fun...” I moaned.
“Johnny...”
“Oh, okay” I said and flew up to
grab Zazz. He ended up passing out either because he's a scared
little woman or the lack of oxygen this high up. Either way he was
fine...ish. “You know what's weird?” I asked a passed out Zazz
and Toro. Toro shrugged. “Zebras. I fucking hate zebras.”
“No one hates zebras” Toro says.
“They are like cute ponies with stripes.”
“Stupid ponies...”
“Don't do anything craz--”
That's the last lucid thing I heard.
There's footage of an “unidentified object” slapping The Learning
Channel's satellite out of the sky. This “object” then landing in
the plains of Africa where tourists were able to capture footage of
yours truly getting into a shouting match with zebras. Someone did a
transcription of the conversation if you wanna read it.
Johnny Panic: What's your deal,
anyway?!
Zebra: (zebra sounds)
Johnny Panic: You a horse or something?
With your stupid stripes.
Zebra: (confused zebra sounds)
Johnny Panic: No, you shut up! I'm an
American! I'll say whatever I want!
Zebra: (zebra inches closer)
Johnny Panic: Don't get any closer or
I'll bonk you!
Zebra: (angry Zebra sound)
Johnny Panic: What you say 'bout my
mama?!
Zebra: (hiss)
Johnny Panic: Bitch, don't make me ball
this! (Johnny Panic raises hand and makes fist)
Zebra: (raises on hind legs)
Johnny Panic: I'm standing my ground!
(Johnny Panic slaps zebra causing it to land 200 meters away,
screams, then flies off)
I ended up landing back in Australia.
Zazz wouldn't talk to me for a day or so because of the whole
launching him into the atmosphere. He couldn't stay mad at me when I
put a makeshift Denny's in his backyard for the weekend though. Who
says I'm not the world's best friend? Liars. That's who. I ended up
having to issue a public apology to Africa which was weird because I
did it in zebra speak. Its easy to do. Just imagine you're the
dumbest creature on the planet.
Click here for previous Johnny Panic.
No comments:
Post a Comment