Dante Saves You: Religious Fanatic Edition

Religion is already a scary thing. So what do you do when someone takes the belief in a higher power and turns it to 11? You fight back, you blasphemous heathen! In this special edition we’re gonna take a special look at Religious Fanatics. I’ve helped you fight all manners of aliens, monsters, crazy White women, and even prison. This time we’re gonna enter into the minds of these nutjobs.

I’ll be honest, this one will be hard. Some of these people have special powers or just bionic strength that comes from the belief in a higher power. Don’t underestimate your opponent. That’s the worst thing you can do with religious fanatics. You don’t wanna end up smitted. Smitten? Smooten? Hurt, okay. You don’t wanna get hurt.

"50 Stripes Of Gray" Part 1 of 5

Delvin sits in the waiting room with his legs crossed, willing his penis to settle. This is a two pronged will at play. One, his doctor is a very attractive woman that is close to a decade younger than him and is the exact duplicate of a comic book heroine he masturbated to as a teen. And two, because he has a urinary tract infection that has been nagging him for two months. His closest friend Gary convinced him to finally do something about his problem after growing tired of his high pitched screams as he used the bathroom every morning.

“Come on!” Gary screamed through the bathroom door. “This has gone on long enough. If you don’t take care of your cock how do you expect anyone else to?” Gary listened to Delvin stifled a scream before shouldering the door open causing Delvin to spray the faux fur rug with a frothy stream. “You’re pissing cream soda!” Gray shouted as he dodged a stream. “You need to see a doctor!”

“I’m good…” Delvin hissed through clenched teeth. “I’ll be done…in a minute…” Beads of sweat dripped down Delvin’s nose. “Its not…as bad as it…looks…”

Dante vs. Nature 14

I was looking at an article on Cracked which I wont link because that site is 10% as funny as it used to be. They had an article where they showed this fish called a Sarcastic Fringehead. Looking at it you wouldn’t think much of it. It just looks like an ugly and colorful fish. There is nothing scary about it. You might even be able to eat the damned thing. That is until it decides to open its mouth. Here’s a description of the beast.

Sarcastic Fringehead “…is a ferocious fish which has a large mouth and aggressive territorial behavior. When two fringeheads have a territorial battle, they wrestle by pressing their distended mouths against each other, as if they were kissing. This allows them to determine which is the larger fish, which establishes dominance.”

Now feast your eyes…upon horror!

Real Words Are Dead

I feel like Charlton Heston screaming at the sky in Planet of the Apes. Instead of yelling about shit being blown up I’m shouting about the further death of the human language. I feel like years from now I’ll be standing on a corner screaming in a language that is not longer spoken because I’m not an idiot. I’m guilty of making up words and damn near having my own language. Oxford’s English Dictionary releases new words that will be added and considered, like, new and acceptable words every year. I normally just shrug and shake my head when things like “security blanket” or “yadda yadda yadda” are added. But this year? This year I rage.

Graeme Diamond, chief editor of new words for the Oxford dictionary said this bullshit. “You have to show that the word has been in usage for a decent length of time and, most importantly, that the word is used and understood by a wide audience.” No, I don’t! Especially when these are the words that have been added.

Rosscast Episode 260: This Is A Happy Place

In this episode I ramble about my day, hit on everyone’s mother, talk about a guy who did something very cowardly, a Dude What The Fuck? featuring a tractor and cop cars, Bitches Be Crazy with a chick swallowing a knife, and a We Going To Hell with old people being gross. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Dante vs. Nature 13

This should be a combination of Dante Vs. Nature and Only In Florida. This poor bastard named Wallace Weatherholt who is a tour guide in the Everglades aka Satan’s Tastebuds was arrested this past weekend for illegally feeding alligator. That doesn’t seem to bad once you find out its only, like, a $500 fine. What’s really honked up is that he lost one of his damned hands feeding an alligator. Talk about getting kicked when you’re down!

Dante Learns The 2nd Amendment

The more I start to read about the Amendments contained in the Bill Of Rights the more things make sense to me. I mean, it makes sense why nothing makes sense. These things are terribly outdated and leave far too much room for interpretation. Its like the bible but more dangerous because you don’t have to believe in God to use this stuff. This entry is about the 2nd Amendment which is one of the ones we hear about the most, usually when someone feels the need to carry way too many weapons or just wanna look cool.

I’m gonna post what this Amendment says and then try and figure out how so many people get it wrong or go way too far with it. Check out this nonsense and we’ll hold hands and attempt to make sense of it.

“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.”

Dante Learns The 1st Amendment

I have lived in this country my entire life and went to school and all that nonsense. Sadly I didn't learn much in school. In all honesty I have learned more in the past three years than I did from the ages of 5-18 in the LAUSD. While listening to the news and various podcasts I realized that I don't know the goddamn Amendments. I hear about them but usually by lunatics defending their right to shoot me in the face or walk around with bazookas while talking mad shit.

I have decided that I'm gonna research each Amendment and try and figure out what they mean for the country and myself because who knows when I'm gonna be laying facedown on the pavement drenched in pepper spray with three taser prongs sticking out of my ass with eight guns aimed at me. I should probably check and see exactly what the hell the Amendments are.

Rosscast Episode 259: Sometimes There Is No Logic

In this episode I answer a Listener Question about James Holmes and his violent murder of a dozen people in Aurora, Colorado at a viewing of the latest Batman film, unsalvageable people, Charles Manson, and a clip from Joe Rogan’s podcast. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Five Things I Learned Reading Scripts

At one point in my life I was rolling Jamaican style and working three jobs. I was slanging porn, working at Petco, and reading scripts. It was a cool job where I learned a lot about what not to do when writing. Then I turned around and broke every one of those rules. I love writing and say that I am good at writing but that’s just my god complex driven opinion which makes every thought I have and write suspect. Script reading is a job that puts you in the position to dictate others future.

You write something, send it to an agency, and hopefully they like it and buy it and turn it into a film of TV show. Or likely it ends up in the hands of someone paid to read for a living and they are easily bored and toss it aside after a few pages. This happens. I read every script I was given from beginning to end good or bad because that was a luxury I could afford. I read fast and it pains me to not finish a story. Most scripts are good for the first fifteen pages and then peter out until the end. Here’s some things I learned while having that job.

Dante Saves You: Bad Cop Edition

People know that me and cops go together likes crackers and bubblegum. I have shown you how to defeat the bad guys so now its time for me to teach you how to handle who are supposed to be the good guys: Bad Cops! Now, some of these may seem like they are good cops but after reading this and with my powers or persuasion you will see things my way and probably wonder why you’re sitting there with no pants on.

Police are here to protect and serve but in movies there’s that one cop that just doesn’t give a damn about things like proper procedure and pretty much run around the city shooting at anything that loves and blowing up whatever casts a shadow. Now its time to spread your cheeks and lift your sack!

Dante vs. Nature 12

To me going into the ocean is like saying “Whatevs…” to life. It’s a deep, wet, hell on Earth that for whatever reason we keep dipping our toes into. There have been a number of shark attacks and sightings on beaches and people are acting shocked. There’s that saying “You mess with the bull you get the horns.” Well, if you go into the ocean you will get eaten by something. Look at this picture that has been floating around since last week where this kayaker was being followed by a shark in Cape Cod.

FML.

“I looked behind me and that's when I saw the shark, it was pretty much right there, I got a glimpse of it. It was a good size and it had a fin sticking out, so I just turned and paddled” Szulc said in between thanking a Jesus he didn’t believe in minutes before and simultaneously shitting and vomiting. That’s what I’m guessing happened. Sharks are something we should be talking about in the past tense. “Hey, remember those giant monsters with hundreds of teeth and cold dead eyes that use to be on the planet? No, not Gwyneth Paltrow!”

Rosscast Episode 258: Girls Have No Manners

In this episode I talk about my 4th of July, hanging with friends, NASA being stupid, girls being rude, We Going To Hell featuring a church fight, and Only In Florida that has everything you could want in a story coming out of Florida. Click here to download this and past Rosscast Shows. Enjoy!

Heidi & Dante Play Keyboard Part 2: Electric Snuggloo

Heidi and I got the microphone working so things went from awesome to impregnating!

Heidi & Dante Play Keyboard

Heidi brought her keyboard over and we had a jamfest. And by jamfest I mean I pressed random buttons and danced.