Dante Makes Alternative Fuels

We’re running out of shit to use in terms of fuel. Well, that’s not really true. There’s fuel in places but its near beaches where people don’t want drilling or its in places that are far and thousands of soldiers have to be sacrificed to do it.

"I'll be damned if we're going back to $4.50 a gallon!"

I’ve decided that we need to do away with fossil fuel. And cars powered by electricity aren’t as popular as they should be because, well, they don’t go “Vroom!” Some of these may seem weird to you but not after I explain each one. Because then, my friends, you will understand why I am not employed by the government.

Children’s Tears. There is a lot of this shit just being wasted every day. Instead of letting these kids dry their eyes we need to be wringing their shirt sleeves out and pumping them into machines that can extract the fluid for fuel. Kids don’t remember half of the terrible shit that happens to them in those formative years because if they did nursing homes would quickly become punch camps. I hate to tell you this but your father has dropped you on your head more times than he can remember. You could even make a fun game out of it.

"Let's play Dreamkiller!"

Once you get past all the annoying noise that accompanies crying running vehicles on tears becomes a very logical step in fuel alternatives. “But I don’t have a kid for fuel” you say? Then borrow a neighbors! There are kids all over the place and they cry so easily nowadays. Just say that the internet is down for a week. You’ll have fuel for days!

Shit. Okay, I get it. You don’t want to deal with loud screaming kids. So what you now have to do is poop. That’s right. Just poop. You do it every day. Hopefully. If you’re not you should get to the doctor or you’re just full of shit. Get it?! Full of sh- -okay. But seriously, imagine if you could bag up your HuDoo (Human Dookie) and drop it, or pour it, into your car. You’d never have to worry about having enough gas to get somewhere. One small trip to McDonald’s would ensure a trip across the entire U.S.

The McRib is back!

The downside to this is the smell. There’s nothing me and my cabinet have come up with to help that. I’m not even sure where shit even goes after its flushed down the toilet. Orange County? Barstow? Either way as long as I don’t have to see it I don’t care. But why not slide a log into your gas tank?

Arguing. People do it all the damned time so why not bottle it up somehow and use it to make cars go? Have you ridden with someone who was stuck in traffic or just got cut off while driving? If you could take that and put it into a car you would immediately see the divorce rate drop because it would be cheaper to stay married and save gas money than to go to court and suffer through a messy divorce. Yeah, your kids would be upset but then you’d just use their tears for more fuel!

This kid's a goldmine!

Just think of the money and stuff you’ll save from your family getting into battles. I’d head over to my parents place and just sit there with a bucket collecting free fuel for friends. If I want more fuel than I can handle I’d just drive in circles through Korea Town listening to friends scream at everyone that lives there.

Bitch Slaps. This one is just fun for everyone. Could you imagine how fun it would be to slap people for fuel? Just walk up to someone and “Fwap!” Next thing you know gas for a week. This would get a lot of anger out of people as well, because we all have at least four people we can think of in seconds that we’d love to slap the shit out of. Hey, that means even more fuel! Face it, there's lots of people out there in the world that really don't get the bitch slaps that they rightly deserve. Look outside. I'll wait. Bet you saw a few people that could easily get you enough fuel to get home.

"As soon as you finish I'm heading to HR!"

I slapped my cousin when I was little and now all I can think of is that fact that I wasted perfectly good fuel. Slap a kid with bowel control issues during an argument and you, my friend, and you have just won the award by most environmental human ever.