Dante Wants To Do Dumb Things

I’ve watched too many movies in my life. This has led me to thinking and wishing that I could do things that would get my head busted open…if I’m lucky. I’d likely just get wrecked and have to sit in a hospital peeing into a plastic container and whining. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to try everything on this list.

Jump from one high rooftop to another while being chased by cops. I didn't do anything wrong but they think I did and have orders to shoot to kill. As I get away they can't help but marvel at my athletic abilities. Let’s ignore the fact I cant jump high. That doesn’t matter because I have a good horizontal leap. And that’s all I need to make it across a rooftop. That and not to be wearing my damned dress shoes since those make dry, regular ass ground dangerous as Florida.

Defeat a large monster in battle armed only with a knife or sword. I prefer something with fur and lots of arms. No, not your mama. I don't want something slimy. I have no problem with slimy things (I worked in a porn shop for years!) but I just don't want any ooze getting on me. Either way a monster is gonna get fucked up because I’m gonna kill it, wear it, and eat it. Why would I eat it? Because I can. I assume that the other big creatures would make me their king after this.

Beat a room of men in a fight behind closed doors. What happened in there?! You don't know. Only I know the carnage that ensued. All you heard was screaming and then silence. Will Dante emerge victorious? Of course. Just a little blood on my cheek. Not my blood though. Not sure if I have a weapon or not. I just wanna go into a berserker rage on a room full of people. That was my for real's plan on my 21st birthday. Just walk into a bar and start some shit. Its never happened and never will. I am a very cheerful drunk.

Punch someone so hard they fly. I want to hit someone so damned hard that they fly back 8 feet. They are unconscious before they even hit the ground. The next thing they know they are lying in a hospital bed with their jaw wired shut and their feelings hurt. And poop in their pants. I’ve watched boxing since I was a toddler. Its totally possible. One thing I need is for someone to be recording this so I can post it online. I have been knocked out once and knocked silly plenty of times. But it has never been recorded and I need to have me making someone defy gravity available for replay. Look at the poor fucker in this picture. You know he thought he was gonna grab that trophy, run around the field, and then get chased by security and then arrested. Look at him being Falcon Punched by a guy that looks like he's old enough to be his father.

Fly through a large glass window. I don't know what I did. All I know is that the only way to get my crazy ass out of there was to throw me head over heels out the window. I get up, brush myself off, and give them the finger. Not the pinky. Not the thumb. Oh, not even my index finger. They get the ring finger. Because I’m number one. I have a feeling that if I tried to throw myself through a window that the results would be worse. Like I'd get stuck in the middle or something.

High-speed chase. Now, years ago I was the passenger in a chase involving my brother and some gang members. That was so fucking fun! This time I want it on TV with 12 cop cars chasing me. Will I get away? Of course I will. I have tacks, 2x4, and hand grenades. And I am not afraid to use them. What am I running for? Child support. Or a family gathering. Yeah, let's go with that.

Use a sleeper hold effectively. I want to slap that hold on someone until they pass out. When they are knocked out I kick them in the balls for no reason other than to laugh at how they feel when they wake up. "He put me in the sleeper, so why do my balls hurt?" Because I kicked them while you were knocked out. My brothers used to try and put me in this move but I would always worm my way out of it. This is a dangerous ass move in real life. And the fucked up thing is that you wake up like nothing happened. "When we gonna fight?!" Its already happened.

Fight myself Mortal Kombat style. How did this happen? How is it possible that I face myself? It doesn't matter. All I know is that as I walked down the alley a figure stood at the other end laughing. It sounds eerily familiar. It's me! I kick, he kicks. I punch, he punches. I have to pull new moves out the bag to defeat him. And I have to kill him when I am done. I know me and I know I would come back for revenge at a later date.

Be kidnapped in a limo for unknown reasons. Just walking down the street and a limo pulls up. Two goons emerge and throw me in the back seat where I sit across from a man drenched in shadow. Who is he? It doesn't matter. He thinks I fucked his wife and daughter and wants my balls for wind chimes. And if movies tell me anything its that the guy will just threaten me and then release me with a punch by one of his dudes. Then I find his wife and bang her again. Ah, the circle of life...