Today I have managed to survive 35
years on this planet. I was gonna write something about how the human
body changes and is renewed every seven years like we're some kinda
crazy ass human snake hybrids but it turns out that that isn't
exactly true and I'm not gonna waste a moment of these 35 years
trying to figure out exactly what it means. I'd rather stare in the
mirror willing my facial hair to grow faster.
In these Fives Things I Learned To Be
Happy About In 35 Years I'm gonna touch on a few personal things. Its
not gonna have shit to do with former girlfriends, my penis, or jobs
I've had. I have covered that stuff in great deal in previous blogs
already. I'm 35 and too old to be talking about my penis anyway. No
one's every said “Give me some of that decades old dick!” It'd be
cool if they did though because, well, I have one. My penis is old
enough to run for President! Okay. Enough of that.
This may not seem like such a big deal
to some reading this but to me it is. When I wake up I am surprised
every single day. No, I don't jump out of bed celebrating it like
some cartoon character. But I do acknowledge how strange it is that I
am still alive and relatively well. I mean, I've managed to make it
all these years and I still have all my limbs, most of my mind, and
all my teeth. That shit is crazy. Me. Dante. Is still alive. With a
mouth full of teeth. The fact that I'm my height and weight is reason
enough to celebrate!
I am three years older than my brother
when he died and that is something I never imagined happening meaning
him dying and me living this long. I think that's one of the reasons
why I never made long term goals. To me life is something that needs
to be taken one day at a time. This whole being alive thing is cool.
I know there are people that hate life and are depressed for whatever
reason. If its not caused by some chemical imbalance or the death of
someone very close then find a way to get over it. I live in a world
where porn is free, a magic box allows me to hear any song I want to
listen to, hot women like being my friend, and I have the ability to
eat Lucky Charms with coffee and orange juice when I want. Life is
good even when it isn't.
2. Its Good That I Don't Have Kids
This isn't an insult to any of you that
have kids. Kids are great...because they aren't mine. But I was just
talking to a friend today about how awesome it feels to leave a
gathering of children and know that I don't have to deal with all of
the responsibilities that come with caring for another human being.
Do I have to ability to raise a responsible adult? Fuck no. Look at
me. No job, no car, no life goals other than ones that are terribly
self centered. I'm a delicious mess and I love it because if I fall,
no one falls with me.
When I was around 18 my mother was
already asking me when I was gonna have kids already. In my family
people start very early, like, right out of school. There have been a
couple of women I would have liked to have kids with but looking back
thank Cthulhu it didn't happen. The way I live is fine for me, but
not a child. I don't know where I'd put all my knives and shit if I
had a kid. And I'm sure as shit not sharing my cereal!
3. Being Single Feels Fine
Thankfully I've never gone crazy from
not being in a relationship. I enjoy my own company and can and do
stay alone for days at a time only talking when someone gives me a
phone call or washing dishes using Golum's voice to sing “Juicy”
by Notorious B.I.G. Yes, I do that. I have told my best friend about
my criteria for a woman for me and I think its is ridiculously simple
but she says it isn't. The problem is that the women that fit these
things are very far away, taken, or have absolutely no plans to have
me heaving on top of them. Sober.
When a relationship ends for me I
notice that I write way more. Depending on how it ends I am happier
than I was because I sit back and think of how the relationship went
and how it made me feel. 9 times out of 10 I go “Yeah, its good
that's over. Now where's my Pretty Ricky wig?!” I think I have
spent so much of my life wanting chicks I couldn't have that when I
don't have one its a comfortable level of “Meh” so it can't bring
me down. It'd be like me getting mad at being sleepy. I know this
feeling so there's no need to get mad.
4. I'm Happy I've Never Been Arrested
“What about that time those cops had
three guns aimed at your face and handcuffed you, Dante?!” I wasn't
under arrest. I was a suspect in an armed robbery. That's very
different. Its funny but ever since I was a kid I assumed that there
would be a situation where I'd end up in jail. Presumably for hitting
someone harder than I planned because repressed rage. Seriously, I
thought that someone would push me too far and I'd be pulled from
their unconscious body screaming “Why didn't you love me, father?!”
Somehow that didn't happen and I can celebrate 35 years on this
planet never knowing what it is like to be locked up firsthand.
I already know that I'm not a good
candidate for jail. For one I can't pee in front of other people let
alone take a shit in a crowded room with no door. I enjoy ironing a
lot and I can't do that there. The not having sex (if I'm lucky) in
jail doesn't bother me since I have a thing where I tend to go two
years at a time without having sex. But who's to say that if I got
locked up for three years I wouldn't just lose my shit? I don't know.
I have no desire to test it either. I could be like a pig released
into the wild. So by 2016 someone better get up on this before I
break the world in half. With my dick.
5. I Turned Out Okay...ish
I'm not perfect which goes without
saying. If my arms looked as good as my legs I'd have it made. But I
turned out alright. I somehow managed to make some really good
friends. I'm not a criminal and I haven't killed anyone physically.
Spiritually I'm sure there are some causalities. I have managed to
continue drawing since I was a child and have lots of little hobbies
that are fun that I can share with friends. I am available most times
for them to talk to and I actually listen. I make people laugh after
funerals (and sometimes during). I'm okay.
After my brother died I really believed
that I would never recover from it. I'm still not 100% even after 13
years but I am better than I thought I'd be. I can laugh at stuff and
talk about him without sliding into depression. Every time I pick up
a pencil and draw I think of him which is cool. After 35 years and
all the nonsense that I have witnessed, been involved in, or fell
into my lap I am okay. For now. By next year I'll be knocking on
heavens door and ready to punch holes in walls. With my...
Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.
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