Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Dante Saves You: Evil Witch Edition


Witches are a fascinating thing. You have good ones, bad ones, hot ones, ugly ones. You even have people that think that because they wear all black and look miserable that they are witches. One time a witch came into the porn shop. I don't think I've ever mentioned this on a blog before. Note: into. Not, like, in. She brought a big, expensive book to the counter and said “You're going to give this to me for free.” I raised my eyebrow at her and she did the two finger point like from The Color Purple. Which funny enough was the color of the bruises all over her arms.

I realized that I was dealing with a crackhead or someone who thought they were a witch. And she didn't realize that I am a magical creature that crackles with sexual energy. So I stare at this broad and she repeats her line and I say “No, I'm not.” She points harder at me and I smile. She calls me weird and leaves. Of course my coworker only heard the part about me being weird. I told him I knew something was wrong because a girl was in the porn shop. So taking this story I can easily teach you how to defeat some witches in this Evil Witch Edition!

Endora From Bewitched


Don't be fooled by her looks. Even though she appears to look like Mrs. Rooper on a bender she does possess a lot of magic. Most of it is used to fuck with people and make them look silly, so she is pretty much a dick with power. Like a politician. (ba-dum-bum!) I bet she pops up in your house during sex and watches. She just has that look about her. She'd probably do some shit to you and you wake up naked while she is laying next to you smoking a cigarette and smiling. So how do you take down this mother-in-law from hell?

Solution


Report her to the police. Yeah, she is your wife's mom but fuck that. This woman can't just pop up in our home whenever she feels like it just because she has powers. Or you can just put your foot down and tell her to stop disrespecting you. Maybe she'll turn your foot into a cat in protest. In that case you kick her in the stomach with your cat-foot and get a divorce. No vajayjay is worth this level of stress.

Melisandre From Game Of Thrones


If the fact that she worships some old ass fire god wasn't enough to get you to stay away from her I don't know what is. She also has one of those hard to say names so she probably stays in a perpetual bad mood because everyone calls her Melissa or Andrea. Oh, I forgot to mention that when you have sex with her a smoke monster comes out of her hot box. Yeah. That happens. But she's hot so like me you're willing to take that risk.

Solution


Stay away from her. You see a chick wearing all red that also has red hair chances are she's up to something. Its the old times and this woman is as smooth as a marble statue. She is practicing some dark shit to not have to shave her legs. Her limbs should look like she's wearing a full body sweater. I would imagine she can be defeated by an arrow or sword like everybody else. Or slut shaming.

Mombi From Return To Oz


She witch works on levels of crazy that make Courtney Love seem like a saint. She collects the heads of hot chicks and will wear whichever one she wants and just stares at herself. Her normal head has that big crazy 80's style which when you see now makes you cross the street to avoid trouble. She's in the land of Oz where nothing is even close to normal so how can we beat her?

Solution


Stay the fuck out of Oz! There's no reason to want to go to this place. You think The Wizard Of Oz is weird? Return To Oz has caused children to go to therapy! Every single thing is alive and crazy and you think its a good idea to go anywhere near a woman that rules the place? Just stay away. If you do end up there and make it out, don't tell anyone unless you wanna end up getting electroshock therapy. Your friends from Oz start trying to contact you in the real world just burn your ruby red slippers and go outside and play in the cornfields. Fuck those weirdos.

Nancy Down From The Craft


You remember that girl in high school that wore fishnets on her arms and legs, all black, dark lipstick, and kept to herself or hung out with other like-minded freaks? Even underneath all that nonsense you could tell that she was fucking hot. Okay, I need to digress for a second. Fairuza Balk is fucking cute. I have had a crush on her since she was in the movie mentioned in the last paragraph. For over 30 years I have liked her. There. I said it. Anyhoot, there were the strange chicks that thought they were witches, but they weren't. They were just uninteresting people that dressed to be interesting. But what if they did have powers?

Solution


I would say be nice to her but this chick is beyond unhinged. Before she got her magical powers she was already taking skinny dips in the crazy pool. So being nice won't work on her. Your best bet is to pretend that you're into whatever she is into. Witchcraft? Sure. That sounds like fun. We should mess around with that...and each other. Wa-pow! You just made a new fuck buddy. “But I'm a girl...” some of you just said. Hey! Do you wanna live or not?!

Wicked Witch Of The East From Wizard Of Oz


This evil green monster was actually minding her business being more of a nuisance than anything else in Oz. Then one day you decided to land on top of her sister with a house, let some munchkins trick you into stealing her sisters shoes, and trying to fight her. All she wants are her shoes back. She doesn't want to fuck up your reality or anything. She just wants the shoes. Next thing you know a talking lion, scarecrow, and robot want your help. Ugh! Everyone is so needy here!

Solution


Water. For real. That's it. Not sure why she would have a bucket of the one thing that could kill her in her room but she does. So all's you gotta do is toss it on her, watch her melt to death, and you're the hero. Yay...?

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.

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